Our modern day Aphrodite, CoCo, has been growing her daughter, Chanel Marie, in her pink diamond-encrusted womb for a little while now and with every day that goes by, I’m more and more surprised that she hasn’t given us the true definition of pregnant elegance by doing a naked photo shoot for Hustler yet. But today, she did gift us with a tiny ounce of pregnant elegance by Instagramming this picture of her wearing the latest from Frederick’s of Hollywood’s maternity collection while posing with David Tutera. You know, David’s the one from My Fair Wedding on WE tv and also the one whose ex accused him of being a hooker whore-loving dick addict. That one.
Never mind that David Tutera has morphed into the villain from LazyTown, CoCo is once again showing the masses how it’s done. If you currently have a CASE OF THE BABIES and you’re not dressing like this, burn all your maternity clothes and immediately buy several completely sheer turtleneck gown things. This is the only maternity look you need.
David Tutera, the star of one of my favorite shows to hate watch My Fair Wedding, and his partner of 10 years Ryan Jurica threw down in a messy, trashy divorce battle a few months ago and as they were chocking each other’s throats, their unborn twins were growing in a surrogate’s womb. Ryan accused David of being a dick-obsessed dick addict (who isn’t?) who just couldn’t keep his mouth and other parts off of hooker dick. Dick is to David as crack is to Lamar Odom, basically. Since Ryan wasn’t working at the time, he asked for spousal support and the two were fighting for custody of their unborn chirrun. But they have stopped brawling for now and agreed that each one of them should take a twin. A baby for everyone!
The fraternal twins, a boy named Cedric and a girl named Cielo, were born on June 19th. David told People (via The Daily Mail) that Cielo, his biological daughter, is living with him and Cedric, Ryan’s biological son, is living with Ryan. TMZ says that Ryan and David each jizzed on an egg and the eggs were implanted into the surrogate at the same time. The eggs are from the same surrogate. David tells People that he hasn’t spoken to Ryan since their twins were born and he feels like he’s mourning the loss of Cedric, but he hopes that they can start talking again for the sake of their twins:
“It would be so unfair of me if I were to say Cielo can’t see her brother because of what happened between Ryan and me.”
Ryan told People that he agrees with David and wants Cielo and Cedric to be in each other’s lives.
Ryan and David’s custody arrangement is temporary, but it will be made permanent when they agree on a final settlement.
Yeah, I know Cielo and Cedric have different fathers, but a set still shouldn’t be broken up. Think of how shitty this world would be if Brenda Walsh and Brandon Walsh never grew up together. We wouldn’t have Sweet Valley High if Elizabeth and Jessica’s parents broke their asses up as babies. Well, the good news is that in 11 years, Cielo and Cedric will meet each other at summer camp, figure out they’re twins and HIJINKS will ensue when they try to bring their parents back together. The bad news is that they’re both going to look like Lindsay Lohan.
When the news came out that wedding planner David Tutera of WE’s My Fair Wedding filed legal papers to legally quit his husband of 10 years Ryan Jurica and get full custody of the unborn twins that are growing in a surrogate’s womb right now, I knew shit was going to get messy and it has gotten really messy. Ryan brought David’s love of whores into it and I love a scandal that involved man hookers.
TMZ says that two days before David filed papers in L.A., Ryan filed his owner papers in Connecticut and said that their 10 year marriage died, because David is addicted to leased dick. Ryan claims that they went to a therapist and tried to make it work, but holding onto their relationship was kind of hard when David would come home smelling like random ass, cum and musky balls. David refused to get help for his sex addiction and wouldn’t stop paying for dick.
Just like David, Ryan wants full custody of their unborn twins. Ryan says that David made $1 million a year and he made $0 a year, so he needs cash to live. Ryan also claims that David is the one who eventually ended things and it made him drown his sorrows in a whole lot of the sweet nectar. Getting dumped drove him to the edge, so he spent some time in rehab.
TMZ also found out that Ryan has been arrested once for DWI and once for being a drunken mess in the past 5 months.
Now, every time I watch My Fair Wedding, I’m going to think about how David probably bounced on some hooker dick in the bathroom of the reception hall during the ceremony. Whenever a bride asks David what that white stuff on his cheek is, he can no longer get away with saying that it’s just a little wedding cake frosting.
And these two are going to be new parents to newborn twins. They’re almost like the gay version of Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller. PAGING, Denise Richards! You’re going to need to take care of these twins too for a while.
I love to drunk watch David Tutera’s My Fair Wedding on WE, because it makes the dead organ that is my heart beat for a second when he tells a bride that the wedding dress she bought is tacky trash and it makes the dead organ that is my heart beat for two seconds when the bridesmaids tell the bride that the dress she picked out for them is tacky trash. Well, now David is going from designing weddings to designing his own divorce party, because he has quit his husband of 10 years Ryan Jurica. David and Ryan are expecting twins via a surrogate this summer, so they’re fighting over two unborn babies too. The Kramer vs. Kramer drama of it all!
TMZ says that David and Ryan got married in Vermont in 2003, but they live in California, where same-sex marriage isn’t recognized, so they filed for a domestic partnership. David wants the domestic partnership shredded to a million pieces the same way he shreds all those tacky wedding dresses. David doesn’t want to pay Ryan any spousal support and he also wants full legal and physical custody of their twins. David is willing to give Ryan visitation rights, but that’s it. And David wants Ryan to pay for all the legal fees related to their split.
David is coming at a bitch hard, so I’m guessing Ryan did something major to set him off. Maybe Ryan’s peen wandered over to a side piece, or worse, maybe Ryan told David that one of his wedding centerpieces was ugly. Whatever the case may be, this is going to get messy, because I’ve seen Jason Bateman and Adam Lamber’s wax love child fight with brides. He does not play. David and Ryan are going to fight at the foot of the surrogate’s coochie when those babies come out. They’re going to push the doctor out of the way and try to snatch each twin away. Put the cameras on them, WE!