And Every Twihard Just Melted Into A Puddle Of Sparkly Misery

In case you haven’t looked out your window recently, the streets are filled with mental health professionals in white coats chasing down Twihards carrying burning cardboard cutouts of Kristen Stewart while calling her a sparkle vamp-hating slut whore tramp skank harlot. Because UsWeekly has pictures in their next issue of KStew sucking on the face of Rupert Sanders on July 17th. No, Rupert Sanders is not a weird name for a lesbian who really gets into getting her coochie lips bitten repeatedly. Rupert Sanders is a dude (pause for you to compose yourself after learning that KStew actually cheated with a man) who directed her in Snow White and is married with two kids. Oh, Rupert, you nasty slut, you just couldn’t resist the allure of a trick who always looks like she’s trying to push out a burp and a fart at the same time.

People also has this story and my guess is that Kristen Stewart’s people ran to them after finding out UsWeekly bought the pictures. So they tried to soften things and make it sound like she just jumped on the peen for a quick second. This is what People’s “source” said about Cheatlight: Breaking Rob:

“Kristen is absolutely devastated. It was a mistake and a complete lapse in judgment. She wasn’t having an affair with Rupert. It was just a fleeting moment that shouldn’t have happened. She never meant to hurt anyone. She’s a good person who just made a bad choice.”

They should’ve just said that Kristen’s lip biting problem has gotten so out of control that she now bites the lips of other people and that’s why her mouth was on Rupert’s mouth. That is a believable explanation! But seriously, we all know what’s going on here. Since that Twatlight mess is ending in November, that means RPattz and KStew’s contract ends in November too. So they came up with this cheating scandal. I see you, bitches!

So because of this, Sienna Miller needs to hold her applause and not welcome Kristen Stewart into the Home Wrecking Whores of the World Club just yet.

And will somebody please put Nutty Madam on Suicide Watch.