How Do You Say “Escandalo” In Chinese?

Zhang Ziyi is an international film star who starred in dozens of movies including Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Hero, Memoirs of a Geisha, House of Flying Daggers and of course the crowning achievement in her career: Rush Hour 2. But if these reports are true, Zhang Ziyi will best be known as the greatest and most lucrative pussy peddler who ever lived. I know you’re thinking to yourself, “But Michael, aren’t the Kuntrashians the biggest whores in history?” They might be the biggest, but they aren’t the best. Do they have a top shelf pussy that has a $1 million price tag on it? Pimp Mama Kris and her bottom shelf heffa whores can stay down as Zhang Ziyi’s Fortune 500 coochie queefs diamond dust at them from the top.

Yahoo! Singapore says that there are several reports in China that claim 33-year-old Zhang Ziyi was forced to cancel an appearance at the Cannes Film Festival to promote her new movie Dangerous Liaisons, because the Chinese government refused to let her walk out the exit door while they investigate the two-person prostitution ring she was allegedly involved in. The reports claim that Bo Xilai, China’s former Minister of Commerce, handed over almost $950,000 to get down with Zhang Ziyi for one night in 2007. Bo reportedly had sex with her 10 more times from 2007 to 2011. Every fuck time transition was allegedly arranged by businessman Xu Ming. Xu Ming was Zhang Ziyi’s pimp and sold her five-star chocha to various rich and powerful men for at least $900,000 a pop.

Now here comes the part that makes Zhang Ziyi the J.P. Morgan of ho shit. One report claims that over the course of 10 years, Zhang Ziyi made 700 million yuan (US$110 million) from sexing on China’s elite. My calculator tells me that if Zhang Ziyi charged $900,000 for one date, she only had to drop her ‘gina on a john’s peen 12 times a year. Zhang Ziyi is a true entrepreneur and I know I’ve said this before about everybody, but this time I really mean it. Zhang Ziyi is my HERO. That’s if this is true, but Zhang Ziyi says it isn’t.

Zhang Ziyi’s rep issued a statement where they denied all of this and demanded an apology from the paper that opened up this scandal:

“We read this outrageous report in the Hong Kong’s Apple Daily. It sent stone-cold chills down our spines and has left us with a feeling of deep sadness. During the last month, Zhang Ziyi has been busy working day and night on the set of ‘The Grandmasters.’ Why should this devoted and responsible actress have to suffer this kind of slander and defamation? Friends have advised us to release a short statement and not take this seriously. The more you argue, the more you will stir up. It would be better to step aside until people lose interest and the lies disappear. The innocent will always be innocent.

But this time we don’t want to be silent. If we leave these lies to spread, what is completely untrue will be at risk of becoming a half-truth. This time, we are telling those rumor-makers that we will respond. We will prove our side of the story; we’ll seek legal justice; we’ll find you in the darkest corner and go after you.

We will seek justice for Zhang Ziyi by taking legal action against Apple Daily and against any other media publishing these false reports. “

First of all, that was a really hot statement. Take note, American publicists, that’s how you write an official response. Put some drama into it so people really pay attention. A statement should sound like it was written by a dude who used to write for the Batman comic books.

Second of all, these reports could be lies, but then again a true ho never tells. If it isn’t true, I hope Zhang Ziyi sues the bitches responsible and collects $110 million. If it is true, then I better see Zhang Ziyi’s vagina on Forbes’ Celebrity 100 next year. Because people should pay homage to you when you make Demi Moore’s Indecent Proposal character look like a common food stamps hooker. I mean, who wouldn’t want to say, “Here’s my account and routing number. I’ll open my pussy as soon as my Swiss bank gives me the green light.”