That looks is supposed to be “starving seaman stranded in the ocean” but it’s more “tweaker after a meth lab explosion.”
When Chris Hemsworth was in the middle of shooting that Moby Dick movie In The Heart Of The Sea (Side note: Moby’s Dick – In The Heart of My V would sort of be a good name for a straight porn parody), he said that he was on a crazy diet to lose some muscle. You know, because when you’re stranded at sea and there’s no Pret a Manger or 24 Hour Fitness around you, you’d probably get skinnier than a shrimp’s dick.
“We couldn’t go away for a month and get skinny, we had to do it while we were shooting. At one point, a day’s rations were a boiled egg, a couple of crackers and a celery stick. I reckon about 90% of our conversations were about our favourite foods and what we would eat when we finished the film.
I was skinnier than ever before, but at least we were losing weight together – the bond we formed was incredible. It reminded me of being on a football team growing up, where you’d do anything for each other. You don’t often get that on set.”
Yeah, that bond sounds real incredible. It was a bond built on lies! They may have felt like they were in it together or something, but they were all lying to each other. Because if one of them was 100% honest, they’d say, “Fuck this shit, we’re not winning any Oscars. My friend on The Revenant set said that Leonardo gets raped by a bear. I’m out. I’m going to Chipolte.”
And here’s Thor and his wife Elsa Pataky at the Spanish premiere of In The Heart Of The Sea in Madrid today.
Liam Hemsworth and Luke Hemsworth showed up to the L.A. premiere of Vacation (aka that reboot where Marky Mark’s rubber dick from Boogie Nights makes its triumphant return on Thor’s crotch) yesterday to support their middle brother Chris Hemsworth. What’s the equivalent of Maury in Australia? Whatever it is, Luke should go on it, because I’d bet that he was the product of his mom’s affair with a miniature Mark Hamill impersonator.
If we played a game of Fuck/Marry/Kill with the Hemsworth brothers, it’d be easy for me. I’d fuck Luke Hemsworth. I’d marry Chris Hemsworth, because then I’d get sexing from him more than once. (“Ha, like married people fuck.” – you “Good point.” – you) And I wouldn’t have to kill Liam Hemsworth. He’d throw himself into a fire as soon as I flashed my b-hole at him.
Here’s more of the Hemsworth brothers last night. I guess Luke didn’t get the memo that they were all supposed to dress like Wall Street bankers unwinding at happy hour after a long day.
Before we get to that sexy Australian slice of lamington cake on the right, we need to talk about why in the HELL does Scarlett Johansson look like the low-budget love child of Miley Cyrus and a Spartan cheerleader?
The 2015 G’Day USA Gala (I literally just pictured an all-Bloomin’ Onion beauty pageant, because I am dumb) was held in Los Angeles on Saturday night. ScarJo was there to present her Avengers co-star and who People tells me is the sexiest man alive Chris Hemsworth with the Excellence in Film award, and during her speech, E! says she told a story about how the sight of a sleeping Thor on an airplane gave Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, and herself a case of the horn-horns:
“Chris decided to take a little cat nap. He collapsed into a giant perfect heap, his lion’s mane gracefully falling around his prominent chiseled features. ‘My, God,’ proclaimed Ruffalo, ‘what a specimen.’ Evans added ‘It’s incredible—the man is perfect even when he’s drooling.’ [I] just stared hoping that some of his stardust would drift my way.”
She then went on to say some stuff about Chris Hemsworth that sounds like it was copy+pasted from a user named TwelveInchHammer69 on a Thor/Loki fanfic site:
“He’s all at once sensitive and ferocious, otherworldly and grounded, is shockingly handsome and is surprisingly approachable. He is every man and like no man you’ve met before. He is versatile despite his physicality, which makes him a grade A movie star.”
She then added (she didn’t) “True story: when shooting wrapped on Avengers: Age of Ultron, I snuck into the makeup trailer and stole Chris’ Thor wig. I keep it in a drawer beside my bed and smell it whenever I need to get in the mood, and sometimes I put it on my French husband’s head while he’s asleep and pretend I’m married to Thor. Too weird?”
Here’s more of ScarJo looking like an ice dancer from Planet Zorg, as well as Chris and his wife Elsa Pataky, who no doubt spent the evening reminding all the horny hos that Thor is taken.
Zoe Saldana Would Like To Thank The Media For Invading Her Privacy By Reporting About The Babies In Her Womb
Anybody with the sense of sight who has seen recent pictures of Zoe Saldana could see that her body is currently leasing out space to a growing fetus who will hopefully inherit its father’s stunningly, luscious mane. So most of us let out a collective “duuuuuurrrrr” when UsWeekly said that Zoe Saldana has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! and we even “meh’d” when E! News said that two babies checked into her uterus. UsWeekly was basically just stating the obvious. But Zoe Saldana is disgusted and grossed out by the media violating her life by reporting a piece of information that her publicist probably gave them so she’d get attention days before her big summer movie comes out. How dare they! Zoe slapped at the media on Twitter yesterday and quoted former Polish President Lech Walesa while doing so.
"I believe that any violation of privacy is nothing good."~Lech Walesa. I would like to thank all the fucking media for invading our privacy
— Zoe Saldana (@zoesaldana) July 24, 2014
Since we’re on the subject of “thank yous,” lets all give thanks to Zoe Saldana.
My stomach would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating it and bringing it pain by making me laugh so goddamn hard when she starred in totally natural and not-at-all choreographed photo-op pictures with noted beard whisperer Bradley Cooper.
Nina Simone’s daughter would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating her wishes by doing blackface to play her mother.
The entire wig industry would like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating them and making them look bad by wearing that busted, 2 cent Rosemary’s Baby wig.
And finally, I’d like to thank fucking Zoe Saldana for violating my eyeballs in a good way by introducing them to her hipster Fabio-like husband who could make my nipples pass out by flipping his gorgeous hair in the wind. Thank you, fucking Zoe Saldana!
Here’s some pictures from last night’s London premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy including some of Zoe Saldana’s fetus dome. But don’t look at it! Don’t look at the bump that’s obviously grow growing babies in it. Don’t look at it and shut your trash mouth, we’re not supposed to talk about it!
And a single tear was wiped away from the collective faces of obsessive internet fanboys everywhere (in case you’re wondering, that tear smells like generic brand Mountain Dew and basement). But they also didn’t name their babies Turkmenistan Daffodil and Uzbekistan Amaryllis (FYI: Michael K’s tears smell like Flaming Hot Cheetos, lube, and the giant novelty jug of vodka from BevMo). No, Elsa Pataky announced on Instagram that she and Thor Hemsworth named their 4-day-old twin boys Tristan and Sasha. No middle names? Quickly nerds! Start an online petition! There’s still a chance we could get Thor and Loki!
So Chris and Elsa’s three kids are named India, Tristan, and Sasha, which means they’re either huge fans of melodramatic CW shows about affluent Malibu teens, porn stars not named Nikki, or unisex haircuts from 1998. Either way, if they ever decided to open a fancy faux-boho clothing store that sells $400 spirit beads to rich bitches to wear at Coachella, they should have no problem registering Tristan & Sasha India as the business name.
Brace your ovaries (and if you don’t have ovaries, get ready to grow some), because we might soon get pictures of a topless Chris Hemsworth cradling two twin newborns who are half the size of one of his “snake swallowing an alligator” biceps. Because TMZ said yesterday that his Elsa Pataky, wife and the mama je’e (it’s been TOO long since I’ve typed that) of their 2-year-old daughter India Rose, was in the middle of getting two twins pulled out of her body at Cedars Sinai in L.A. yesterday. I’m picturing Chris Hemsworth in his Thor drag pulling each baby out with one hand before biting the umbilical cords off with his teeth and shushing their cries by softly singing a Nordic lullaby into their little baby ears. There’s not many details except for this riveting detail from TMZ:
It’s ultra-high security in their hospital suite … we’re told 2 security guards are standing at the door. Chris is strolling the hallway and is being escorted with a guard.
Chris Hemsworth’s contract with Marvel probably states that he must name his second and third born Thor and Loki (I hope), but if it doesn’t and they’re sticking with the countries in Asia and flower theme, I hope they name their twins Turkmenistan Daffodil and Uzbekistan Amaryllis. Or if that Fashion Police dude was right about Elsa’s beer belly, then she totally gave birth to a keg and a 12-pack.
UPDATE: Thor’s rep tells UsWeekly that Elsa gave birth to twin boys. I’m still pulling for the names Turkmenistan Daffodil and Uzbekistan Amaryllis.