Category: Elderly
Nadya “Octomom” Suleman’s Octuplets Celebrated Their 14th Birthday
If you woke up feeling fresh, renewed, and youthful this Friday morning, I’m sorry to issue this reminder that we’re all pretty much elderly and hurtling toward rapid decay. 2009 was a much simpler time. We were introduced to the subculture of strange hair and tackiness when Jersey Shore premiered, Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift’s MTV VMA award acceptance speech, and we looked on in horror as Nadya Suleman emerged as Octomom when she gave birth to octuplets through shady fertility means. But as time moved forward, our guidette bumps deflated, Kanye became immeasurably more of an asshole, and Nadya recently posted on Instagram that her octuplets just turned 14 and look like they’re thriving, despite some people expecting the worst (see: allegations of welfare fraud and past CPS visits).
Rudy Giuliani Says He Was “Assaulted” By An Employee At A Staten Island ShopRite
Breaking News: Terror On Staten Island — America’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani was savagely attacked at a Staten Island ShopRite over the weekend when a store employee nearly decapitated the 78-year-old civil servant with a mighty blow to his back with what appears to have been an open palm. However, given the severity of Rudy’s imagined possible injuries, the man was probably concealing some sort of nuclear thruster device which transformed what appears on video to have been a collegial “how ya been, buddy” type slap on the back into a terrifying, blood-curdling near-death experience, prompting Rudy to have the man arrested and charged with felony assault of someone 65 or older. Rudy was mercifully uninjured, physically at least, but the scars of being called … * TRIGGER WARNING**
Carrie-Anne Moss Was Offered A Grandma Role When She Turned 40
Justine Bateman is promoting her new book, Face: One Square Foot of Skin. It’s about how society treats women as they get older. Which is… not so great. Justine asked her buddy Carrie-Anne Moss to moderate an online conversation about the topic on behalf of New York’s 92nd Street Y. The pair discussed Hollywood, plastic surgery, and the pressure to “fix” their naturally aging faces. Carrie-Anne, now 53, said the day after her 40th birthday her agent actually sent her a grandmother role. What in the Gilmore Girls hell?!
Stan Lee’s Former Manager, Keya Morgan, Got Charged With Elder Abuse And Other Dark Crimes
It’s being reported that dearly departed comic book legend and cameo King, Stan Lee‘s former business manager, Keya Morgan has been charged with allegedly abusing Stan who died at 95. He’s been charged with five counts in a Los Angeles court and a warrant has been issued for his arrest. Welp David Eason: Keya just took your place as evil asshole of the moment. Heat’s off of you for this week… at least from social media.
95-Year-Old Stan Lee Denies He’s Being Abused
Yesterday we learned that Kevin Smith had extended an invitation to Stan Lee to live with him, far from all the alleged elder abusers. Several reports had recently come out insinuating that Stan Lee was surrounded by money-hungry, blood-stealing abusers, and that there was serious cause for alarm. TMZ says that everyone can calm down, because yesterday Stan Lee released a video assuring everyone he’s not being taken advantage of.
Hell Hath No Fury Like A Bored Crackie
Our Lady of Perpetual Sluntbucketry Lindsay Lohan has allegedly run out of people her own age to alienate and piss off and has moved to the younger crowd. A source told Page Six that Lindsay won’t get the hint that Morgan O’Connor, the 18-year-old model she was reportedly using for her supply wrapping her cougar flaps around doesn’t want anything to do with her crackie ass.
“She finds out where Morgan is, then shows up and causes problems,” an O’Connor source told the paper. “Morgan’s modeling, he’s going to the gym, working for charities — he’s got stuff to do. He doesn’t want to be around Lindsay or her –behavior.”
Excuse the fuck outta you, anonymous source! The Lohans also have stuff to do. Ali wants to sing again, Lindsay is this close to a lucrative book deal and Dina is busy holding a loaded gun to make sure I got all that down.
The source also said Lindsay crashed a party Morgan threw at the Dream Downtown hotel for his friends, the Rich Kids of Instagram crowd (yeah, I don’t know who the fuck they are, either). She allegedly started bitching Morgan out and demanded all the girls leave, but someone stepped up to play the Bon Qui Qui character in this production of Heartbreak Whore-tel and called security.
“They honestly didn’t know what to do — they assumed it was Lohan’s room,” the source said, as after that, the Mean Girls star “called her dad and locked herself in a bedroom, and wouldn’t come out.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You have to have money or available credit to get a hotel room, don’t you? This bitch could go to rehab for 25 to life and still not be able to sort her shit out. Lindsay, you are 47 27 years old. You do not lock yourself in a room and call your daddy because your pretend boyfriend would rather get his dick stuck in the treads of an escalator than have anything to do with your crazy ass. Get a fucking hobby that doesn’t involve scaring kids, drugs, acting, singing, drugs, alcohol, drugs or keeping your cringe-worthy self in the public eye.
(Pic: Instagram)