Rudy Giuliani Says He Was “Assaulted” By An Employee At A Staten Island ShopRite

June 27, 2022 / Posted by:

Breaking News: Terror On Staten Island — America’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani was savagely attacked at a Staten Island ShopRite over the weekend when a store employee nearly decapitated the 78-year-old civil servant with a mighty blow to his back with what appears to have been an open palm. However, given the severity of Rudy’s imagined possible injuries, the man was probably concealing some sort of nuclear thruster device which transformed what appears on video to have been a collegial “how ya been, buddy” type slap on the back into a terrifying, blood-curdling near-death experience, prompting Rudy to have the man arrested and charged with felony assault of someone 65 or older. Rudy was mercifully uninjured, physically at least, but the scars of being called … * TRIGGER WARNING**

… a “fucking scumbag” in front of an end cap display of beef jerky will haunt him for the rest of his days, limited as those may be. It’s dangerous out there for senior citizens, even ones with God-like neck muscles that just don’t quit. The New York Post reports that Rudy was at ShopRite to campaign for his son, New York State gubernatorial candidate Andrew Giuliani, aka Fucking Scumbag Jr. Forget your hat, hold on to your literal head because this video of Rudy’s attack will have you stepping forward a few steps, which can be deadly if you’re not in as good of shape as Rudy. Yes, it’s that shocking.

Sure, an enormous swath of the American population recently had their fundamental human rights to bodily autonomy stripped from them by the highest court in the land, but that doesn’t mean what happened to Rudy should be dismissed or belittled. He could have died! NYP reports:

Rudy Giuliani was slapped by a worker at a ShopRite on Staten Island on Sunday while campaigning for his son, leaving the 78-year-old former New York City mayor shaken, the ex-pol told The Post.

Giuliani said he had just gotten out of the men’s room at the store on Veteran’s Road and was being greeted by a bunch of supporters when he was suddenly hit from behind — an incident caught on surveillance video obtained by The Post.

“All of a sudden, I feel this ‘Bam!’ on my back,” Giuliani said. “I don’t know if they helped me not fall down, but I just about fell down, but I didn’t.

“I feel this tremendous pain in my back, and I’m thinking, what the — I didn’t even know what it was,” he said. “All of a sudden, I hear this guy say, ‘You’re a fucking scumbag,’ then he moves away so nobody can grab him.

Here’s Rudy’s assault with commentary proving once and for all that it’s Rudy’s world and we’re all just living in it.

I’m sure in subsequent Supreme Court proceedings over this matter, the video will be enhanced and annotated in such a way that it will be clear as day that Rudy’s assailant is not simply trying to alert him of a piece of toilet paper that was stuck to his back when he returned from the bathroom. Fun Rudy Fact: He has multiple anuses, many of them are located on his back. Sadly, the shock waves from this violent attack on public discourse weren’t limited to disturbing Rudy’s precious cerebral fluids. The woman standing next to him in the video took on some decidedly UN-friendly fire.

Sweet Jesus, not even our women are safe in this country. But as Fucking Scumbag Jr. reminds us, his dad is “tough as nails.”

And if you think Rudy’s going to take this kind of violence laying down, you’ve got another thing coming. Fun Rudy Fact: Rudy never lays down, he sleeps hanging inverted from the rafters of his subterranean lair.

The former federal prosecutor told The Post he felt it was his duty to call the cops — likening the decision to his tough-on-crime policies as mayor.

“I say to myself, ‘You know something? I gotta get this guy arrested,’ ” he said. “I talk about ‘broken windows’ theory all the time. You can’t let the little things go.

“I’m like, ‘I’m gonna get this guy arrested as an example that you can’t do this. And I said, also, in New York, we don’t prosecute people anymore And one of the reasons I brought crime down is I didn’t ignore stuff like this.”

Thank God we have brave men like Rudy out here standing up for our rights to live in a free and just society where some random asshole you’ve never met can’t just walk up to you and tell you where to shove it. Nine random assholes may be able to dictate what I can and can’t shove into my own body, but because of patriots like Rudy, they can’t come up to me at ShopRite and tell me to my face.

Pic: Stefani Reynolds/CNP/startraksphoto.com

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