With the holidays approaching and the election over, this should be a time for Rudy Giuliani to finally catch his breath, tuck in his shirt, and start the arduous process of his annual exsanguination where his body is drained of the previous year’s fetid humors and replaced with fresh fluids painstakingly collected from veins of young virgins he keeps in his basement (Don’t worry, it’s totally legal, they signed something!). However, his boss has him working overtime trying to undermine the will of the American people and he’s malfunctioning.
According to The Daily Beast, some sort of black bile started oozing out from Rudy’s hairline during a press conference deemed Too Hot To Air by CNN, MSNBC, and Fox Business. They don’t think we can handle the truth! Sorry, wrong movie. Rudy’s favorite legal movie is My Cousin Vinny, which he feverishly referenced as proof of voter fraud as he sweated out his Just For Ghouls.
During a press conference that was deemed too crazy for CNN, MSNBC and Fox Business anchor Neil Cavuto—all three of which declined to air it unlike Fox News, Newsmax, and OAN—Rudy Giuliani attempted to lay out the Trump campaign’s case for overturning the will of the American people and keeping the current president in office. It didn’t exactly go as planned.
“Did you all watch My Cousin Vinny?” Giuliani asked at one point. “It’s one of my favorite law movies, because he comes from Brooklyn,” he explained, before deciding it would be appropriate to ask out a scene from the 1992 film.
He started to explain the scene in question, in which a witness claims to have seen the alleged crime at the center of the story. Then, in an exceedingly poor imitation of Joe Pesci, Giuliani barked, “How many fingers have I got up?” The woman gets it wrong because “she was too far away” to see.
“These people were further away than My Cousin Vinny was from the witness,” he added, referring to Republican poll watchers. “They couldn’t see a thing!” From there, he randomly started accusing Joe Biden of committing “crimes” without laying out evidence or specifics.
Here’s Rudy letting us all know that he got his law degree by sending a postage-paid return envelope containing a cashier’s check for $200 to The Vincent LaGuardia School For Real Legal Eagles.
Then what’s left of his brain started leaking out of both ears.
— Brian Bresnehan (@icecold_brez) November 19, 2020
Personally, I don’t buy Rudy’s claims of widespread election fraud, but if it’s true, I’m glad our country’s very best and most capable legal mind is on the case! Who needs 12 angry men when one will do just fine. It’s only our democracy at stake.