As if COVID-19 hasn’t been enough of a bitch, now Costco is discontinuing the sale of their legendary half-sheet cakes in what many are speculating to be the massive wholesale chain’s attempt at discouraging social gatherings. Personally, I’m about ready to take a stand here and throw a massive HOW DARE YOU? at the bakery lady at my local store. Costco is wrong for this and has a lot of explaining to do.
A quick dive into #Costco on Twitter left me at an absolute loss for words. Half of the tweets are about slobbering pigs refusing to wear masks while inside. The other half represent mostly degenerate losers like me who are going to have to find another place to go to buy cheap, sugar-fueled, half-sheet cakes with seven inches of icing (the only number of inches I care about).
“Big achievements deserve a celebration! Share the love with your grad by picking up a round 10” cake at the bakery. Please note: Half-sheet cakes are currently not available to order or customize.”
Those sneaky fucks! Trying to hide the memo in a barely related page (10” cakes are NOT sheet cakes), under a READ MORE sign! That is some diabolical shit.
As a result of customer pushback, a Costco representative released a statement to Yahoo Life:
“Currently we are not selling our 1/2 Sheet Cakes at any US locations and as of right now, we have no immediate plans to bring back. We are focusing on our smaller 10” White & 10” Chocolate Cakes that seem to be resonating with our members.”
But many weren’t buying it. In fact, many seem to think that the only logical explanation for the discontinuation must be that TOO BIG cakes mean TOO MANY people eating them. Great, just what we need: more conspiracy theorists (and these ones are mostly maskless and hopped up on frosting). That shifty COVID––ruining everything!
Costco has yet to make any additional announcements. However, from a PR perspective, they should really write an apology, in icing, onto a sheet cake and send it to me for talking THIS MUCH about Costco on a gossip site.