Category: Coachella
Coachella Will Be Back In April 2022
Get ready to dust off your flower crown and find a new molly hook-up because Coachella has announced its return. While herpes simplex-2 had a few years off thanks to Coronavirus shutting down the music festival circuit, the time has once again come to drop drugs and pulse your body to music you’ll forget about within fifteen minutes. Living the dream, baby! But not anytime soon, you’ll still have to wait a year. But hey, get hyped regardless: Vanessa Hudgens’ favorite holiday is officially coming back!
Every Flower Crown Has Wilted Over The News That Coachella Is Not Happening This Year
The cooch of every music festival-loving hipster breathed out a sigh of relief on Friday because they learned that this year, they wouldn’t be stuffed with baggies of molly their human smuggled into Coochella. Because it was announced that the Coachella and Stagecoach musical festivals will not see the light of 2021 because county officials don’t want coronavirus to be a parting Coachella gift along with herpes, drug-associated heatstroke, and suffocated down-low parts from wearing coochie cutters for three days straight.
Coachella Is Not Happening This Year (Duh)
Sorry to all those C-list influencers hoping to score an invite to Coachella through some fizzy-water endorsement deal. It’s been decided that Coachella is definitely not happening this year, so pour one out for Vanessa Hudgens. I hope she survives this devastating trauma. And when/if Coachella does come back next year, the company who runs it, Goldenvoice, is thinking of selling fewer tickets. That means a lot of no-name Instagram types just saw their free invitations go up in smoke. Pray for them and the flower crown industry too!
Vanessa Hudgens Celebrates Coachella On The Weekend It Was Supposed To Happen
“Why are you so obsessed with me?” said the whole of the Coachella Valley. Seriously, straight guys, get yourself a girl who loves you as much as Vanessa Hudgens loves making a spectacle of herself in public.
Back in March, the Coachella Queen made a giant ass out of herself during an Instagram livestream by putting on her lab coat and switching topics from makeup to the coronavirus. Vanessa said that staying in quarantine for months is ridiculous and that people dying, while terrible, was also “inevitable”. Basically, it sounded like she was pissed that COVID-19 was responsible for canceling her favorite outdoor music venue––or, basically, the place where she gets a giant check.
Elon Musk Dragged Coachella On Twitter
Yesterday I felt a great disturbance in the world. As if millions of voices cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Those cries belonged to influencers everywhere, who threw their Native American headdresses and flower crowns across their twinkle light-adorned bedrooms in a fiery rage. Because Coachella 2020 has been delayed until October. Officially. All because of that stupid coronavirus!
But there’s one person who’s glad Coachella is postponed. And that’s Grimes’ (confirmed!) bionic baby daddy, Elon Musk. Elon hit Twitter to share his pressing POV.
DragCon LA Has Been Cancelled And Coachella May Be Postponed Until October Due To The Coronavirus
Cancel culture just got very real. Last week, South by Southwest was cancelled along with a slew of big name tech conferences. Not to mention the school closures, travel restrictions and numerous events around the world that have also been affected by the spread of coronavirus, government name: Covid-19. And today, even though it’s not until May, DragCon LA has been cancelled due to fears of the spread of the virus. It’s been #cancellT!, “out of an abundance of caution”, and won’t be back until 2021. That’s bad news for any enterprising spooky queens who were planning a sickening Covid-69 lewk this year. However, things aren’t quite so dire for people who bought tickets for Coachella (yet). According to Billboard, festival promoters Goldenvoice are trying to reschedule the festival from the weekends of April 10th and 17th, to the weekends of October 9th and 16th when Covid-19 will, hopefully, be unavailable to headline. And just in time for white girls in Native American headdresses season!