Every Flower Crown Has Wilted Over The News That Coachella Is Not Happening This Year
The cooch of every music festival-loving hipster breathed out a sigh of relief on Friday because they learned that this year, they wouldn’t be stuffed with baggies of molly their human smuggled into Coochella. Because it was announced that the Coachella and Stagecoach musical festivals will not see the light of 2021 because county officials don’t want coronavirus to be a parting Coachella gift along with herpes, drug-associated heatstroke, and suffocated down-low parts from wearing coochie cutters for three days straight.
The 21st Coachella festival in Indio, CA was originally supposed to go down during two weeks in April 2020 (Stagecoach was also scheduled for April 2020). The headliners were supposed to be Rage Against The Machine, Travis Scott, and Frank Ocean (with Megan Thee Stallion, Thom Yorke, Danny Elfman, Lana Del Rey, FKA Twigs, and Lil Nas X also performing). But then COVID-19 came along and both festivals were pushed to October 2020. HA! Remember those Sweet Summer Child Days when people thought coronavirus would be a bitch of the past in a few months. That didn’t happen and every festival goer had to trash the autumn leaves crown they were working on for PumpkinSpiceChella, because both Coachella and Stagecoach were pushed again to April 2021.
When Glastonbury in the UK was officially shit-canned for 2021, there was talk that Coachella and Stagecoach were going to reschedule for October 2021. But that’s not happening, because Dr. Cameron Kaiser, the Riverside County Health Officer, made molly and coke dealers bawl by announcing that Coachella and Stagecoach have been canceled:
Due to the pandemic, Public Health Officer Dr. Cameron Kaiser today (Jan. 29) signed a public health order canceling Coachella Valley Music and Arts, Stagecoach Country Music festivals planned for April 2021. We look forward to when the events may return. https://t.co/YAIn8uTea9
— Dr. Cameron Kaiser (@RivCoDoc) January 29, 2021
Dr. Kaiser added that the “order is intended to reduce the likelihood of exposure to COVID-19. If COVID-19 were detected at these festivals, the scope and number of attendees and the nature of the venue would make it infeasible, if not impossible, to track those who may be placed at risk.”
The Annual Dumping Of Dollars Into A Homophobe’s Pockets hasn’t announced new dates yet. And as of now, the Governors Ball Musical Festival is still set for September 24-26 in NYC and EDC Las Vegas, which is scheduled for May 21-23, hasn’t canceled its dates yet. They’re probably praying that millions of coronavirus vaccines will magically fall from the sky and into arms so that it’ll be like New Zealand here by the spring.
To paraphrase noted COVID-victim sympathizer Vanessa Hudgens, Coachella getting canceled is terrible, but, like….inevitable??? And my thoughts and prayers are with Vanessa’s neighbors this weekend because she’s probably blasting some Travis Scott while twirling and crying over being hit with this devastating news again. Why won’t anyone think of Vanessa Hudgens!