There Were A TON Of Herpes Reports During Coachella’s Two Weekends

April 26, 2019 / Posted by:

Coachella may seem like a good time to the pretentious crowd: a bunch of wildly popular and some hip, completely-unknown musical acts, festival pictures, day drinking, getting fucked up, fancy celebrity-studded pool parties–but some of us know better. Unless you’re a VIP or standing in one place for hours so you get a good spot, chances are you won’t see or hear very much of your favorite acts. Those pictures all look the same. Day drinking is fun until it isn’t–it’s a fine line. And the pool parties? Listen, there is nothing for you at those pool parties except for annoying mess and apparently HERPES. Yup, herpes is in full attendance at Coachella, at least it was this year, as The New York Post reports that Coachella this year coincided with a herpes outbreak of sorts, which makes sense since I mean, John Mayer and Paris Hilton were there.

The perfectly-named website, HerpAlert, is a handy source for people who love to have unprotected sex and hate having to physically go to a doctor to check if that’s skin irritation or an incurable disease. It allows users to send in pictures of their… concerns, and get clinical evaluation feedback and receive prescription treatment for their new friend herpes in the span of just a few hours! Everything in the future is streamlined! Even STDs.

Normally in Indio, California the site does about 12 diagnoses a day, but between April 12 and April 21–AKA: Coachella weekends, one and two–they counted a whopping 250 herpes cases a day. That means about 1,105 total infections in Indio, Palm Desert and Coachella Valley, the surrounding towns of the festival grounds where a lot of the guests end up staying during the weekend. The previous record for herpes alerts was 60 cases in a day during Oscars weekend.

The Oscars will get any Hollywood-gay riled up enough to raw dog their neighbour, so I think the gays can take credit for that one, but Coachella? I didn’t realize that flower crowns and music you don’t recognize makes people so horny? At least we know why there was a reported 15% decrease in arrests this year: everybody was too busy boning. And they’ll always remember that time they got laid at Coachella… every time they take their Valtrex.


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