Category: Chris Martin
The Time Beyonce Turned Down A Chris Martin Song Because It Was Awful
The day after Beyonce made Rudy Giuliani clutch all of his pearls over her “shocking anti-police” performance and Coldplay nailed their “Up with People on Valerian” impersonation at the Super Bowl, Rolling Stone released their new issue with Chris Martin’s face on the cover. During the interview with Rolling Stone, Chris called his divorce from Goopy Paltrow “weird” and “wonderful” (those two human “ughs” deserve each other) and he also talked about his ex-wife’s bestest friend in the entire world Beyonce for a little bit.
Gwyneth Paltrow On Chris Martin: “He’s Like My Brother”
During a recent interview with Glamour to remind everyone that you’re still a poor (no, it was to promote her new organic makeup line), humanoid lavash cracker Gwyneth Paltrow was asked how the conscious uncoupling situation is going with her ex-husband, Chris Martin. Obviously things between Goopy and The Scarf are great, because Goopy doesn’t do shitty awkward divorces. Apparently things are so super great between Gwyneth and her ex-husband, their relationship status has ascended from exes to siblings.
“We spend a lot of time together. He’s been away for two weeks [promoting his album]. Last night he got in at midnight and slept here so he could surprise the kids in the morning, we could all have breakfast, and he could take them to school. So…we’re not living together, but he’s more than welcome to be with us whenever he wants. And vice versa: I sleep in his house in Malibu a lot with the kids. We’ll have a weekend all together; holidays, we’re together. We’re still very much a family, even though we don’t have a romantic relationship. He’s like my brother.”
Somewhere in a house without platinum-plated bidets that spray caviar-filtered spring water into your poo hole, Gwyneth Paltrow’s real brother is like “Hold on…am I being replaced? This is totally because I brought store-bought stuffing to Thanksgiving dinner, isn’t it?” (“Yes, it is, you disgusting monster” replied Gwyneth).
Gwyneth also humblebragged that she wrote a couple lyrics for and sang back-up on the latest Coldplay album. I don’t care if you’re religious or not, now is the time you get on your knees and pray that Chris Martin does his sister a favor and lets Goopy sing backup for Coldplay during the Super Bowl Halftime Show. There’s nothing I want more than to see Gwyneth bust out her signature uptight white girl dance moves.
And in case you want to see what a person who went 3 hours without an organic pressed juice looks like, here’s an over-it Gwyneth hauling ass through the airport with Brad Falchuk last week.
Pics: Wenn.com
Beyonce Went Desi And Some People Weren’t Happy About It
Just in case you missed it, Beyonce and Coldplay dropped a new music video yesterday. So before we start, quick question: When you think about India what comes to your mind? Whatever it is, after today, it will surely change. Now, once you think about India, you’ll think about Beyonce wearing traditional Desi garb, henna tattoos and the weave from a Hindu temple dyed blonde.
Why? Because “Hymn for the Weekend,” off of Coldplay’s new album, “A Head Full of Dreams,” is filled with so many Indian cliches you’ll be amazed that Amandla Stenberg hasn’t produced an angry rant video about it.
Filmed mostly on location in Mumbai, India (the Beyonce parts obviously weren’t) by director Ben Mor, the video comes a week before Beyonce and Chris Martin, along with that band he’s in, are set to perform during the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show on February 7. Throughout the video, Our Modern Day Virgin Mary follows Chris like a stubborn STD that just won’t go away even when he’s trying to do as the locals and get into Holi. She’s on a billboard, she’s on a movie screen, she’s EVERYWHERE.
As the New York Daily News points out, some people on Twitter accused them of cultural appropriation:
“Are we gonna discuss how Beyonce dressing up as an Indian woman for the Coldplay video is cultural appropriation, or no?”
“Beyonce’s appropriation was unnecessary imo. If it was someone white it would’ve been [racist]. I think there’s a difference.”
On the other side, some fans don’t necessarily view it as cultural appropriation but more-so appreciation.
“Beyonce did nothing wrong…y’all really gotta learn the difference between appreciation and appropriation”
If Beyonce really wanted to showcase her love of Indian culture she should have taken notes from her husband, Jay-Z and call Panjabi MC to do a track with him. Somewhere in Mumbai, a discotheque is still listening to “Beware of the Boys” and it’s 2016, honey. Hell, I still listen to “Beware of the Boys.”
Chris Martin Takes A Day Off From Eating Every Week
When Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow “consciously uncoupled” I joked that he probably immediately ran to Arby’s where he paid two employees to stretch out his mouth hole with their hands as another employee shoved delicious horsey-sauce covered beef ‘n cheddar sliders down his throat. I thought that when Chris and Goopy broke up, he also broke up with eating like a snobby bird. But nope, Chris Martin is Goopy with a dick.
Coldplay Is Doing The Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show
And now you know what Chris Martin’s face looked like as he lived out his wet dream fantasy by furiously fucking a Whopper minutes after his marriage to Goopy Paltrow ended.
Sadly, Left Shark isn’t headlining its own Super Bowl Halftime Show next year. Nearly every website on earth says that Coldplay is headlining the Halftime Show on February 7, 2016 at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, CA. That decision makes sense. Pepsi is sponsoring the Halftime Show again, and they know that when you fall into a coma while watching Chris Martin warble out songs, you’ll need to wake yourself up by injecting gallons of their stuff into your veins. Pepsi, I know your game!
Coldplay’s new album comes out tomorrow and Beyonce, Noel Gallagher, Tove Lo and even Goopy Paltrow sing on it. So any of them could join Coldplay on stage. UsWeekly says that Bruno Mars, who did the Halftime Show in 2014, is going to be involved somehow.
While I am looking forward to seeing Goopy Paltrow fill with rage as Chris Martin steps out of a giant replica of Jennifer Lawrence’s pussy before singing that song he wrote about boning her, the Super Bowl people should’ve done something extra special. I mean, it is the 50th Super Bowl. They should’ve brought back the greatest Halftime Show performers in history: Up With People!
Pic: Wenn.com
Goopy Paltrow And Chris Martin Still Do Brunch For The Sake Of Their Gooplings
While working a freshly shined Corinthian leather tan that can only be achieved when your suntan assistant uses a bamboo spatula to gently smear organic coconut oil on your body right before the sun star crosses the meridian, Goopy Paltrow did an interview type thing at the BlogHer15 conference (via The Independent) in NYC on Friday. Goopy mostly talked about the greatest comedy site on the Internet, GOOP, but since GOOP talk makes most people bust into a 4 step yawn, she also gooped at the mouth about how things are going with her first ex-husband Chris Martin.