Martin Lawrence Celebrated Independence Day Together

So it looks like Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence aren’t exactly as done with each other as we thought. After supposedly calling it quits for the 1,407th time, People says that JLaw and The Melancholy Scarf reunited in New York City for Independence Day and spent a romantic weekend together. Damn, again with these two? This is getting to be some Groundhog Day Dick nonsense.

A source says that Martin Lawrence were spotted strolling around Central Park on Friday, and it didn’t appear to be the kind of walk that would lead to JLaw’s apartment so she could give him a cardboard box full of his crap that he left there.

“They were walking arm-in-arm, in a hurry it seemed. It looked like they were dressed for date night.”

Just because they were all gussied up doesn’t mean they were dressed up for date night. JLaw and Chris Martin are rich. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they wear $2,000 worth of couture while picking up condoms and Doritos at CVS. But “date night” wasn’t the only time Martin Lawrence was spotted this weekend.

Just saw Jennifer Lawrence and the dude from Coldplay riding their bikes lol!

— Chef Bol (@Nick_Bun) July 4, 2015

“The dude from Coldplay.” Jonny Buckland, Guy Berryman, and Will Champion just turned to their significant others and swore it wasn’t them. I’m sure one of them doesn’t believe it and is suspiciously smelling his dick for pizza at this very moment (pizza works like pineapples, right?).

JLaw really did the Fourth of July dirty. Independence Day is America’s freedom from England, and this is how she celebrates? By surrendering her coochie to Chris Martin again? She could have at least waited a couple days and given her katniss a full weekend of freedom. It’s what Uncle Sam would have wanted.

Pics: Splash

Chris Martin And Jennifer Lawrence Are Done, Again

Looks like another spot just opened up on The Goop Troop’s Hawaiian family vacation. UsWeekly says that after almost a year of unconfirmed fucking, Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence have packed what was left of their maybe-relationship into a box and drove it to Savers. RIP Martin Lawrence. On the upside, the real Martin Lawrence can drop that NaeNae, because today is the day he finally gets his name back.

An “insider” (Gwyneth Paltrow using a fake phone voice and desperately trying not to let out a dry cackle of glee) claims they split up because JLaw has been working non-stop and they never saw each other. The same insider also wants you to know that America’s former sweetheart has been spending a lot of time with her panty-dropping ex, Nicholas Hoult, adding that “they’re on great terms now, and their families have stayed close.” JLaw and About A Boy are currently filming X-Men: Apocalypse together, which might explain why they’re spending so much time together. Or maybe they want to start banging each other again. Who knows? Get whatever you want to get, girl. Get Nicholas Hoult, get that hot as fuck bodyguard of yours. Get it all! The world is your all-you-can bang penis buffet.

No word on whether or not their decision to end shit had anything to do with Chris Martin getting caught working his mopey magic on Kylie Minogue last week in London. Did anyone hear a story about Jennifer Lawrence screaming the words “FUCK THAT TWO-TIMING ASS!” while angrily tossing Chris Martin’s collection of scarves onto the street at 3am?

Jennifer Lawrence Might Get Dragged Into A Hawaiian Family Vacation With Gwyneth Paltrow

That’s the face of someone who just realized they’re about to spend an entire week stuck on an island with a person who will definitely ask if the ice in their Mai Tai was made from artisanal hand-collected volcanic water that was filtered through the petals of an organic molokai flower.

Even though every time Gwyneth Paltrow calls up Jennifer Lawrence for a girl-hang, it probably goes straight to her machine, she’s still trying to make friends with her ex-husband’s new girlfriend. An “insider” tells Radar that Goopy is planning another beach vacation with Chris Martin and their kids, and this time she wants his girlfriend to come too. Radar says she’s also inviting her secret-not-secret boyfriend, American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk, and they’re all going to Hawaii. I think that might be the first time a week in Hawaii has ever sounded like a total nightmare.

“Gwyneth recognizes it’s time for Jen to meet the whole family, and she wants Chris to be there for Brad’s first proper bonding experience with the children. The plan is to spend a week together in Hawaii, as soon as all their schedules permit, but definitely before the end of summer.”

Of course, the insider says Jennifer Lawrence is “dreading” it, but she can’t talk Chris Martin out of it, because he’s still “spellbound” by Goopy. Spellbound? Um, are we sure that’s not just the result of a lack of oxygen to his brain from one of his scarves being tied too tight?

At the very least, JLaw could always make the best of a bad situation by trying to sneak SPAM into Gwyneth’s vegan palm leaf wraps and laughing when she asks “Oooh, what’s in this? It’s delicious!”

Here’s Goopy’s pre-sunrise beach cardio pilates partner with a whole bunch of hair extensions on her head walking from her car to her apartment in NYC yesterday.

Pics: Splash

File Under “Why?”: Gillian Anderson Recently Asked Chris Martin Out On A Date

That’s literally the exact same face I make any time someone tells me they think Justin Bieber is “just misunderstood.” And I’m not sure why she’s making it, but Gillian Anderson might find herself making that same face during a post-fuck conversation in the future that starts with the words “Wanna see my scarf collection?” According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail), there’s a pretty good chance that might happen, because Scully recently asked Chris Martin on a date. Today I learned: insomnia is very real and those who suffer from it will do anything to cure it. No! Maybe she just really likes drowsy singing types?

A “source” (Scully’s hot baldy boss Walter Skinner, I hope) said 46-year-old Gillian and 38-year-old Chris Martin are an “unlikely combination” but have “definite chemistry.” Sure, but what about…you know…Chris Martin’s girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence? Maybe she’s cool with it because she’s a hard-core X-Files fan from way back who has always dreamed of a three-way with Scully.

Of course, neither Gillian not Chris Martin’s people have yet to comment on their possible date. But I’m sure the truth is out th-NO ALLISON! You got this far without making a hackey X-Files joke, you don’t have to start now.

In the meantime, don’t expect to see Chris’ ex-wife (or as she probably calls herself, his former executive espousal consort) Gwyneth Paltrow getting jealous and rushing to one-up him by smug-arming Fox Mulder into a quickie marriage. Comic Book Guy’s culinary-world cousin Mario Batali told the NY Daily News that he doesn’t think his pal Goopy will ever get married again. Oh, that’s sad. I was really hoping to find out what Goopy-sounding snobby person term Gwyneth would invent for her second marriage. You’re right – it wouldn’t be a marriage; it would be a later-in-life union of elevated souls or something.

Chris Martin And Jennifer Lawrence Are Still Doing It

Sidenote: it looks like everything Chris Martin is wearing in the picture above was pulled by his stylist from a Chris Martin starter kit. I have never seen him look more Chris Martin-y. The only thing missing is a summerweight scarf and a bottle of Xanax for when he needs to feel more alert (when you’re a human nap, everything works like an upper).

You would think that the first thing you’d want to do upon returning home from a conscious uncoupling anniversary vacation with Gwyneth Paltrow would be to dive head-first into a pile of Frito Pie or wrap yourself in a 100% polyester polar fleece blanket (I’ve heard saying the words “polar fleece” in Goopy’s house will get you slapped with a lifetime ban), but Page Six says he hauled ass to New York City to kill those Kate Hudson rumors by taking Jennifer Lawrence on a date in Central Park.

A source says they had lunch at Tavern on the Green and then walked through Strawberry Fields holding hands. Then on Sunday, People says Martin Lawrence met up at New Jersey’s Teterboro Airport and flew somewhere. Or maybe they just fucked in first class while the pilot drove aimlessly around the tarmac for a couple hours, who knows? Either way, this shit sounds like an episode of The Bachelor.

People’s source adds that Chris Martin talks to JLaw daily while she’s away filming Joy in Boston and that they are still ‘going strong’. “Is that a challenge?” thought Kate Hudson’s musician-snatching coochie.

Here’s the lady half of Martin Lawrence leaving her hotel in NYC on Saturday.

Pics: Splash

Gwyneth Paltrow And Chris Martin Celebrated The One Year Anniversary Of “Conscious Uncoupling” In Mexico

Yes, its been a full year since Gwyneth Paltrow strapped herself to a Snob’s Choice™ imported rocket and blasted herself into the stratosphere of better-than-you smugness, aka the time she announced she was “conscious uncoupling” – not divorcing, because divorce is for trashy poors who make less than $20 million a year – from Chris Martin. And to celebrate such a milestone, Page Six says they hopped aboard a luxury steel air yacht (Goopy doesn’t do pedestrian shit like airplanes) and flew down to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with their kids.

Although something tells me Gwyneth wouldn’t call it an “anniversary”. Anniversary is too common. I’m sure when Gwyneth called up the $10,000 a night resort in Mexico to book their vacation and they asked “Are you celebrating anything special this week, Ms. Paltrow?“, she replied “As a matter of fact, yes. We’re acknowledging the spiritual maturity through enlightened choices that took place during the 584 million miles the Earth orbited around the Sun. Please ensure our room contains a bottle of organic kelp-filtered Champagne-style essence and make the towels look like two swans kissing.”

I think the person I feel the worst for has got to be the bartender working their swim-up bar. Imagine waking up every morning for a whole week knowing you’re about to spend the day making hand-pressed (at the request of the guest) cocktails and that you’ll be tipped in $200 white t-shirts.

Not to mention I’m sure they had to listen to her tell the story of conscious uncoupling at least ten times a day. “It’s so crazy! We’re totally best friends! We are like such such good friends now! Have I mentioned that we’re still best friends? Hey, where are you going? I need another vodka and lime leaf!“