Kelly Osbourne Takes It Off

If Kelly Osbourne’s skin was covered with molten Tang and she had tits the size of Cisco Adler’s slinky nutsack, I’d almost mistake her for England’s finest rose JODIE MARSH! And that is a comparison that every woman lives to hear. Blame it on the welfare weave and the “I wish this cig was your peen” look.

Ever since DWTS, Kelly has been dropping the chunk and now she’s so skinny that you just want to stick her ass in the mouth piece of your clarinet and play a song. It’s like all the weight traveled up to her head. Bitch looks like a delicious candy apple on a stick.

And what is one of the first things you do after you lose a bunch of weight? Put on sparkly ho shit and shake your pussy for every lord, of course. That’s what Kelly Osbourne did last night with the Pussycat Dolls, Robin Antin, Carmen Electra and Mya. And Mya really needs to settle down, because she’s starting to resemble that Giuliana DePandasass creature and that’s not a good thing.

And Now It’s Carmen Electra’s Turn….

Here we go again. A new totally staged clip featuring Carmen Electra, some dude and some ho has “leaked” onto the internet. The clip is basically the welfare version of McSteamy and the Noxzema Girl’s non-sex tape. It features Carmen guzzling on a champagne bottle, dancing around like a post-seizure chimp on No-Doze, making out with the other skank and unzipping the pants of the dude filming this mess (teaser for part two, I’m sure). And just like the McSteamy tape, there’s NO dick.

Not even the tip! What is wrong with this world?! Suddenly bitches have a case of the shies and want to keep their dicks to themselves. Are we pilgrims all of a sudden? Shit, I’m sure even the pilgrim dudes proudly waved their dicks around when they got to Plymouth Cock Rock.

Anyway, I’m sure Carmen Electra will clutch her pearl necklace (smearing it), put her hand on the bible and cry about how she can’t believe that someone she thought she trusted would do something like this to her. Then she’ll hire a pretend lawyer and file a pretend lawsuit. In the end, Carmen will consent to the tape, because she’s “so tired of fighting.” Blah blah blah blah… Same old whore song and dance.

Wake me when Spaghetti Cat’s “sexy tape” leaks.

If It Weren’t For Nicole Sullivan…..

….this shit from Funny or Die would be 100% unwatchable. It’s a group of useless dumb whores trying to bring the laughs.

If you’ve got a serious case of the boreds, take a crack at this. Actually, if you’re bored, go arrange your panties by color, scent and skid (or period juice) mark size, then watch this shit. Wait. No, don’t watch it yet. After you finish sorting your genital covers, go to your bathroom mirror and successfully recreate all of Ty Ty Bank’s “275 smiles.” After that, slowly pluck out every last one of your pubic hairs to make a pair of Passover mittens for your bestest Jewish friend. Wait, but only if your pubic hairs are kosher. FINALLY, when you’ve conquered all those things, you can watch this video, because that means you’re bored-er than bored.

Carmen Electra Wants Moooore Wire Hangers!

When I think of wire hangers. I think of Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in a facial mask and housecoat. I also think of old timey DIY abortions done in some seedy halfway house. Well, Carmen Electra thinks of sexy times! Of course she does.

Unfortunately, Carmen wouldn’t say exactly how she uses wire hangers while busting nuts, she only said, “A little pleasure, a little pain. It’s all about fun.”

It sounds like all pain, no pleasure. I’m on Team Crazy Crawford, because I can’t stand wire hangers. I buy the cheap plastic shit at KMart, but it’s still better than evil wire hangers. If my lovah pulled out a wire hanger, I’d call 911. Spank me with a plastic or huggable hanger, but keep that wire shit away from me!

Furthermore, if you need a wire hanger to feel anything “down there,” then it’s time to stick your privates in a Fed Ex box, wish it luck and send it on some much-needed time apart. You’ll tell your privates it’s a vacation, but it’s really going in to get tightened, rotated (clockwise) and re-locked. Jiffy Lube is having a post-holiday special. They sent me a coupon.

Source

(Thanks Alex)

Carmen Electra’s Truly Stupid Workout Video

Carmen Electra has a workout video out called Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease: In the Bedroom. It should’ve been called Carmen Electra: I’m A Dumb Whore. Seriously, if I’m going to be writhing around in a bed like that, I want to be getting one of the holes plugged. I hate to be crude (actually I love it), but it’s true!

The only workout that this video is going to bring involves the hand of a straight douche on his dirty peen, because no woman or gay in their right mind is going to do this stupid crap. She looks like she’s trying to push a fart out.

Below is Carmen in bed with Ellen Degeneres the other day. I’m not sure this is what Ellen had in mind when Carmen told her, “Let’s get in bed and workout!”

Source: Hollywood Rag

Dr. Rey’s Instant Crap!