Kween Kanye Opens The Door For No One (And By “No One,” I Mean Kim Kartrashian)

Concrete Loop posted this video of Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West in Paris yesterday morning and they think that it’s extremely ungentlemanly-like for him to not help her knocked up fame whore ass out of the car and then stand in front of the door and wait for her to open it. Um, are they forgetting that this is Kanye? I’m surprised he didn’t make Kim pull her pregnant Gossamer-looking ass out of that car, run to his side and open up his door. I’m also surprised he didn’t make Kim rip her red dress off and lay it on the ground for him to walk on so he won’t dirty the bottoms of his precious shoes. So this is Kanye being extra, extra polite.

But really, if Jay-Z was in that car with Kanye, Kanye would’ve ripped that door open and carried his true love to that store and opened up the door with his mouth. And he would’ve serenaded Jay-Z the entire time. This is what Kim gets for not being Jay-Z.

And to answer your question, yes, I asked myself “What has become of me?” as I analyzed the door-opening manners of two fame sluts.

I Hit It First: The Video

After watching Ray J’s trolltastic video for his musical love letter to Kanye West called “I Hit It First” and after looking at pictures from the Kartrashian’s big fat fame whore holiday in Greece, I don’t know who’s trashier and more desperate for attention?

Ray J makes a case for himself by making a video that is devoted to reminding all of us that his horse shoe dick made Kim Kartrashian the highest paid fame whore on the ho stroll. Ray J should’ve spent less of the video’s $500 budget on luxury car rentals and more on getting a better Kim klone, because that Kim look-alike is lacking. I mean, look at how the Kim klone moves around on that bed. The real Kim has never moved that much in her life. If the Kim klone really wanted to do an authentic Kim K impersonation, she should’ve laid lifeless on that bed like a garden slug that’s just been tasered. And really, nothing is more desperate than using a desperate Kartrashian for attention.

Then there’s the Kartrashian’s vacation in Greece. All of the Kartrashians (sans Kanye and Lamar) are currently terrorizing Mykonos while filming their shit show there. We should never forgive Mother Nature for this, because she had the chance to create a giant whirlpool to hell underneath the Kartrashians’ yacht and she didn’t do it.

All of these pictures are the definition of shameless from Kourtney Kartrashian thinking it’s okay to wear this outfit in public to Kim K acting like she knows how to operate a camera to Pimp Mama Kris openly dancing with the tortured creature she turned into a bumbling wax Chucky Doll.

And to answer my own question in the first paragraph, I don’t know.  I’m not going to try to answer that one. Instead, I’ll stare at this picture and try to figure out who’s winning the battle to the biggest, Kim’s bump or ass?

Teen Mom Farrah Is Getting Nearly A Million Dollars For Her Backdoor Sex Tape

The extremely private “sex tape” that Teen Mom Farrah made with help from a professional porn star, a professional porn crew, a professional porn director, three fluffers, a butt waxer, an anal bleach artist (it is an art!) and a few enemas is coming to your favorite torrent site any day now. Farrah, who’s probably the only dumb shit who is dumb enough to believe that her sex tape isn’t a planned porno, is now hundreds of thousands of dollars richer, because Vivid bought her porn debut for high six figures. High school guidance counselors can now tell students that college is overrated. Why waste your time in college when you can get famous by popping a kid out of your cooch and get rich by popping a peen in your ass on camera. It’s really a foolproof plan since the world’s biggest fool, Farrah, managed to pull it off.

TMZ says that other porn companies put offers on the table, but Teen Mom Farrah eventually went with Vivid and I’m guessing she went with Vivid, because her team of consultants and master negotiators (aka her dad and daughter) told her to. Vivid paid close to a million dollars for the 70-minute-long porn that also stars James Deen and they’re calling it “Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom.“

Farrah is going to be broke again in about five seconds, because she’s going to spend all that money on plastic surgery, booze, funding her career in musical terrorism and bikinis. But when her checking account gets as empty as her head, she can sell that picture above to Summer’s Eve, because if that isn’t a douche ad I don’t know what is. Summer’s Eve can use that picture to sell their new line of butt douches. Don’t want no poop noodle!

And yes, it terrifies me that Farrah looks a little Cheryl Burke-ish in the face in that picture.

The Full Trailer For The Bling Ring Is Here

And here’s Hermione Granger doing a spot-on voice impersonation of Alexis Neiers in the trailer for Sofia Coppola’s Pretty Wild: The Movie (aka The Bling Ring), which features a blink-and-you-miss-it semi-cameo from Dlisted’s grey bars. I don’t know if Emma Watson is a shit actress or if she’s a genius actress for perfectly capturing the soulless, vapid, empty Adderall bottle personality of Alexis Neiers. And like I said before, I will throw my 4-inch little brown Bebe shoes at Sofia Coppola if Nancy Jo from Vanity Fair doesn’t get a shout out. TWENTY NINE DOLLARS!!!!

Justin Bieber Abandons His Monkey In Germany

I don’t know who’s going to need more therapy: me for looking at a picture of a monkey humping a stuffed animal while looking at a picture of Justin Bieber on an iPad or that monkey when he realizes that he once humped a stuffed animal while looking at a picture of Justin Bieber on an iPad. Definitely the monkey. Spending that much time with Justin Bieber really messes you up and leads you to some dark, scary places. You can see the trauma in the poor monkey’s eyes.

Last month, Justin Bieber’s dumb ass brought his living and breathing toy, Mally the monkey, into Germany without the proper documents. Officials put Mally into quarantine and told Justin that they wouldn’t release his monkey unless he gave them the right papers. Justin shrugged, crawled out of Germany without Mally and told authorities he’d be back. The Biebs lied. HuffPo UK says that Justin’s people have told German authorities that he’s not coming back for Mally so they should just find the monkey a home. Karl Heinz Joachim, the head of the center where Mally is staying, said:

“There are a great many suitable places that have offered to take Mally and integrate him with their own capuchin monkeys where he would be much more happy with his own kind.

A baby monkey was never going to be suited to be on a world tour even if he is travelling by private jet. He should be out in the wild climbing trees and learning from other monkeys if he isn’t to have serious psychological problems later in life.”

Serious psychological problems LATER in life? Has Mr. Joachim seen the picture above? Poor Mally is suffering from serious psychological problems NOW. But this is the best thing for Mally. If Justin raised Mally, that monkey would develop a serious coke addition to deal with having Justin Bieber as a mommy and then he’d eventually have to share a room with Lindsay Lohan in rehab. That ain’t the life.

And we should probably consider putting Justin Bieber into quarantine before somebody makes the mistake of spilling water on him and he multiplies into a dozen spoiled brats who abandon their pet monkeys in Germany.

Yup, Pimp Mama Kris Has Got That Right

While wearing a dress the color of the tears you shed when you see another Kardashian post, Pimp Mama Kris appeared in a cloud of black smoke at the E! Upfronts in NYC yesterday and she brought along her iPhone with her official title on it. I’m not taking “Queen of Fucking Everything” to mean that she’s the Queen of Everything. That title already belongs to Richard Simmons and all the heads of state were there when he had it tattooed onto his ass lips, so that makes it official. I’m taking it to mean that she will fuck absolutely everything for a dollar or for a blurb in (insert the name of every single magazine that exists on the planet here).

If there was a dead giant hissing cock roach lying in a puddle of dried dog piss and you told PMK that a quarter will fall out of it if she humped it, she’d slather Zestra all over her parts and get to it. If you told PMK that E! will give her family another spin-off show if she 69ed with Lucifer, she’d shrug and tell you that she’s been there, done that, but she’ll gladly do it again. If you promised PMK everlasting wealth and fame if she sold her entire family into the hands of the head of an underground sex slavery ring, she’d grab a price label gun and immediately shoot a $3.00 tag onto Khloe’s forehead.

So yeah, PMK and her entire family are the Queens of Fucking Everything. PMK is finally telling the truth about something.

Here’s the Queen of all Whores and some of her hos at the E! Upfronts last night.