And Here’s The Audio Of A Pissed-Off Bristol Palin Right After That Trashy Alaskan Fight

Sadly, there’s no video from the actual fistfight between Alaskan teen mom sweetheart Bristol Palin and the owner of the house where she got into a messy drunken brawl with her Ski-Doo Crew, but I’m sure you could watch a video of two racoons fighting over a trash can and it would be basically the same thing. Until then, please enjoy the audio of Bristol giving a statement to the police. Don’t worry, it’s just as messy! It has to be – it’s the Palin way!

During the conversation, which was recorded by Anchorage police and obtained by TMZ, Bristol bring the drama by drunkenly crying that it all started when some old lady walked up and pushed her little sister, which triggered Bristol to hiss “Oh fuckin’ hell no“, aka the redneck equivalent of “Oh here go hell come“. Bristol then gets out of what she calls “the limo” (I assume “the limo” is a nickname for their nicest truck), but before she can find the bitch responsible, a dude knocks her to the ground in her camo-print “thong dress”(the Slut Dress has an Alaskan hillbilly cousin, I see), the proceeds to call her “you slut, you fuckin’ cunt, you fuckin’ this” and drags her ass across the grass by her feet. “Aw, Todd did the same thing on our wedding night.” – Sarah Palin.

But the thing Bristol seems most upset about isn’t that her 5-year-old was in the car the whole time (he was, again – it’s the Palin way) or that her glamorous-sounding thong dress was damaged. It’s that someone made off with her $300 sunglasses! HER $300 SUNGLASSES! Now how will she hide the hangover in her eyes every morning?

And in case you want to see the injuries Bristol sustained, here are the police pictures after the brawl. All I really care about is whether or not the camo-print thong dress is okay! Will it require any stitches?? Pray 4 camo-print thong dress!

Pics: TMZ

Sarah Palin Defends Her Family After Trashy Hot Alaskan Brawl

Seen above bringing the glamour by shoving six Bump-Its in her hair before posing with Willow and Bristol, Sarah Palin did something she never does, keep her lips shut, when the story about her family’s Jerry Springer-approved messy brawl at a snowmobile party in Anchorage came out. Over a week ago, bloggers in Alaska reported that the Palins were involved in a 20-person drunken brawl that ended with Bristol Palin repeatedly punching the owner the house and Sarah Palin screaming, “Do you know who I am?!” The Anchorage PD confirmed that the trashy brawl went down and said that the Palins were there, but didn’t say anything else. A few days ago, the pride of Alaska (Correction: The FORMER pride of Alaska. The new, real pride of Alaska is Charlo Greene.) FINALLY broke her silence and wrote a Facebook post where she slobbered out a stream of pride for Bristol Palin and waved a shank at the liberal media for trying to bring down her family. Take it away, Mama Grizzly!

I love my Bristol! My straight-shooter is one of the strongest young women you’ll ever meet. I have to say this as a proud mama: right up there with their work ethic and heart for those less fortunate, my kids’ defense of family makes my heart soar! As you can imagine, they and my extended family have experienced so many things (liberal media-driven) that may have crushed others without a strong foundation of faith, and I’m thankful for our friends’ prayer shield that surrounds them, allowing faith to remain their anchor. Thank you, prayer warriors! I love you!

See this from Bristol:
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/bristolpalin/2014/09/my-parents-divorce/

– Sarah Palin

“Work ethic.”

Sarah Palin defending Bristol Palin’s messy ass tells me that during that brawl, Sarah held down that house owner and screamed, “Whoop that trick, honey! Whoop ’em,” while her pride and joy punched him in the face several times. Now that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is in danger of ending (no, it isn’t), TLC should beg the Palin family to star in another reality shit show for them, because us Americans need our weekly dose of pure hillbilly class.

Pic: Facebook

Tripp Palin Might’ve Called His Aunt Willow A “Faggot” On His Mom’s Reality Show

Someone is actually watching Bristol Palin’s dried shit bomb of a reality show “Life’s A Tripp” and just had to share this touching and moving Palin family moment with the Internet by uploading it to YouTube. Before Bristol spits out the only true she words she has ever said (“I’m doing a terrible job disciplining Tripp.“), she nearly laughs her second face off after her 3-year-old kid calls Willow Palin a faggot for not letting him swim in the pool. What’s kind of funny is that if faggot didn’t mean what it means, Faggot would definitely be the first name of one of the Palins.

But wait. Life’s A Tripp’s showrunner tells Gawker that he was in the room when this scene was filmed and Tripp didn’t launch the word faggot from his mouth, he used the other f-word.

Life’s a Tripp showrunner Matt Lutz wrote in to say that Tripp’s bleeped expletive was “fuck” and not “faggot.” Lutz says that he was in the room at the time, and that he has reviewed the raw footage several times.

I believe Matt Lutz. If Tripp did call Willow a faggot, then that busted-brows piece of dumb trash would’ve given him a gold star in excellence for learning her favorite word instead of egging him on by laughing. If Tripp did use the fuck word instead of the faggot word, then all of us should give him a gold star in excellence. Because saying “I hate you! Go away, you fuck!” to a Palin has made him the official voice of the people!

And Now, Here’s Bristol Palin’s Thoughts On Obama’s Thoughts On Gay Marriage

The entire nation already halfway exhaled when Kim Kardashian FINALLY gave her thoughts on Obama’s thought son gay marriage and now we can exhale all the way, because fellow reality show whore Bristol Palin has FINALLY given hers. The authority on whoresome wholesome family values and “traditional” marriage took a break from trying to get on The Choice (I’m guessing that’s what she’s up to these days) and wrote a blog for Patheos about how Obama’s daughters need less Glee in their lives and how statistics show that children who grow up with a mother and a father do better in life. That’s Bristol’s way of politely telling her son that since a single mother is raising him, he’s screwed and he’d be better off being raised by the pieces they chiseled off of her jaw to make way for her new chin.

It took me a while to figure out Bristol’s piece wasn’t from The Onion, because it’s that good. It’s just too easy. It’s like a monologue from GCB. Clear your throat before you get into this, because you’ll need to make way for all the HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAs:

So let me get this straight – it’s a problem if my mom listened too much to my dad, but it’s a heroic act if the President made a massive change in a policy position that could affect the entire nation after consulting with his teenage daughters?

While it’s great to listen to your kids’ ideas, there’s also a time when dads simply need to be dads. In this case, it would’ve been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her friends parents are no doubt lovely people, that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage. Or that – as great as her friends may be – we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home. Ideally, fathers help shape their kids’ worldview.

In this situation, it was the other way around. I guess we can be glad that Malia and Sasha aren’t younger, or perhaps today’s press conference might have been about appointing Dora the Explorer as Attorney General because of her success in stopping Swiper the Fox.

Sometimes dads should lead their family in the right ways of thinking. In this case, it would’ve been nice if the President would’ve been an actual leader and helped shape their thoughts instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee.

So Bristol, the daughter of someone who ran for VP, is telling us NOT to listen to the daughters of the President? Oh Bristol, don’t listen to 99.9999% of the commenters on your blog calling you a fucking idiot. You’re a comedy genius and the show you say is gaying up America should hire you as their head writer. Keep bringing on the funnies, bitch!

Kyle Massey Says Bristol Palin’s “Your Mother’s A Whore” Showdown Was Set Up

Kyle Massey, the Webster on growth hormones who did Dancing with the Stars with Bristol Palin, is telling people that he thinks her bitch battle royale fight at Saddle Ranch with the dude who called her mother a whore was about as natural and organic as the parts that were glued onto her new face. Kyle and his brother co-star in Bristol’s reality shit show called “SEE! I’m Not Racist!” and sources tell TMZ that he thinks the producers planted the Stephen Hanks, the Palin hater, at the bar to do something no reality show does: inject fakeness into it for maximum dramatic effect.

Both Stephen Hanks and the producers are denying the fight was staged, but Kyle doesn’t believe them, because he says it’s a little strange that there were so many cameras at the bar. But Kyle says that Bristol has been nothing but genuine with him so he doesn’t think she was in on the fakery. Kyle Massey is also scrubbing the dirt off of his precious Son of Disney skin every night, because what he thought was going to be a good clean scripted show turned out to be a sleazy reality show.

Kyle’s daddy George Papadopoulos better spank a clue into him if he actually thought that he was starring in a scripted show with a trick who has the acting skills of a broken urinal lying in the back alley of the Saddle Ranch. In Bristol’s acting debut she made a wooden door look like a living thing that feels human emotions, so who is going to give her an acting job? And Sarah Palin casting Bristol in the role of “Trig’s sister instead of his mother” doesn’t count!!! (Yes, I’ve been reading Days of Our Palins again).

It doesn’t matter if that stupid fight was staged (it was) or not, because even if Bristol’s shit show opening featured Marcus Bachmann tipping his spout at a T-dance, bitches still won’t watch this mess.

And real or not, Stephen Hanks still owes us whores an apology, because what did we ever do to him?

Okay, Which One Of You Called Bristol Palin’s Mom “A Whore” To Her Face At Saddle Ranch Last Night?

With her reality show’s camera focused on her renovated face, abstinence advocate and idol to wholesome teen mothers everywhere Bristol Palin rode the mechanical bull at Saddle Ranch in West Hollywood last night. (Cut to Bristol on the cover of Life & Style in 10 months holding her miracle mechanical bull baby.) But the real ride went down when Bristol hopped off her future baby father and got an ear full of sweet poetry coming from a probably drunk ho who is fluent in the official language of Dlisted. The Palin-hater shouted into the bar that Bristol’s mother is a Whorah Palin whose whore lying whore ass will rot in the whore layer of whore hell. Dude might’ve thrown a “bitch” in that flood of WHORES, but all I really heard was a magical hummingbird singing my favorite song.

Because Bristol has a reality show to sell and needs some exciting footage to be cut in between scenes of her assembling her new face every morning, she confronted the whore word thrower and their conversation went something like this:

Bristol: What did you say?
Palin Hater: Your mother’s a WHORY WHORE WHORE WHORE WHOREFACE WHORE. She’s the fucking devil, dude.
Bristol: Oh, is she? What did she do wrong?
PH: She lives, she breathes. If there is a hell, she will be there.
Bristol: Why is that?
PH: She’s evil.
Bristol: Is it because you’re a homosexual?
PH: Pretty much. And why do you say I’m a homosexual?
Bristol: Because my vagina does not want to make child with you and my vagina usually wants to make child with all men. Because I can just tell you are. And that’s why you don’t like my mom.
PH: No, that’s not why. Your mom is evil.
Bristol’s backup: How old are you?
PH: FORTY SEVEN YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!
Bristol’s backup: Okay, then leave her alone.
PH: Why? She came up to me.
Bristol’s backup: You said it first!

Bristol asked her hater to give her one reason why her mother is a whore and he mumbled out a few words that sounded like “whore lying devil whore devil whore.” It ended with Bristol doing some mocking gay mannerisms dance like the dim bitch she is before her hater said her mother ran Wasilla into the ground and she’s nothing but a white trash bitch.

Why watch clips from the Republican debate when I can watch this masterpiece of two attention whores battling it out instead. You know, I was almost sliding over to Team Whore Caller, but he needed to say the word WHORE one more time. Team NOBODY.

via TMZ