Bristol Payless Flip Flops

The Patron Saint of Unwed Mothers, Bristol Palin, dropped a bomb in her book “Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far” that the suave and charming Levi Johnston stealth ninja’d in and “stole” her virginity in the night. Basically ho got so drunk on wine coolers (Really? Fucking wine coolers??) that she woke up with a not-so-fresh feeling the next morning and no idea what had happened till she heard Levi bragging to his friends outside of the tent. That Levi, so dapper.

Since that scenario caused a lot of people to pull the date rape card on Levi, Bristol decided to clarify her shit a little on GMA. She basically flip flopped and said “I’m not accusing Levi of date rape or rape at all. But I’m just looking back with the adult eyes I now have and just thinking, ‘That was a foolish decision.'”

Translation: Okay, maybe it wasn’t all Levi’s fault that I was a drunk slut. Accountability: get some. We all did stupid shit as teenagers and I know her babydaddy is a worthless piece of trash, but own your shit ho. I’d like to cry “rape” for some of the embarassing “oh no I di’int” shit I’ve done under the influence, but I just cried on the inside as I did the walk of shame like any normal slut does. Suck it up, hillbilly.

The Tale Of How Bristol Palin Lost Her Virginity

Excerpts from Bristol Palin’s autobiography titled Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far (Working Title: Northern Sexposure) are starting to leak like the broken condom that turned her into America’s most famous knocked up teenager, and it looks like we’ve all got something in common with her! We all got our cherry plucked (or ass cherry plucked in some cases) while completely tanked on life’s classiest semi-alcoholic syrup: wine coolers!

Bristol writes that during a camping trip with Levi Johnston and their friends, she got hit by the drunk stick from drinking wine coolers and when she woke up the next morning, her hymen reside was all over his peen. Bristol didn’t remember a thing. If only Paul Revere was there to wake Bristol up and warn her that Levi was a comin’. Cut to Whoopi Goldberg saying, “It wasn’t RAPE rape.” UsWeekly has a piece:

Palin says she woke up alone in her tent, with no recollection as to what happened. Johnston, meanwhile, “talked with his friends on the other side of the canvas.”

When she confronted him about their sexual encounter, Johnston, now 21, told Palin what she wanted to hear: they wouldn’t have sex again until they were married.

But, Palin writes, they became intimate again shortly after. When she learned she was pregnant in 2008, Palin was on birth control pills prescribed to treat her cramps; it took eight home pregnancy tests to convince her that she was expecting.

Palin’s parents, to her surprise, were incredibly supportive. They also reminded her to stay focused on the future, particularly her continuing education. Johnston’s reaction was less comforting. “Better be a fucking boy,” he told her.

After Bristol birthed out Tripp, she found out that Levi was plugging his Alaskan pipeline into several whores. They broke up for good when Bristol found that Levi put a baby in another girl and named him Bentley, which was Tripp’s original name. And of course, Levi has his own book coming out next month with his side of the story.

So basically, before Bristol got jaw surgery turning her into the image of what Punky Brewster would look like if she was adopted by the Kardashians, she was Quinn Fabray from Glee? That means Levi Johnston is like Puck! Well, if you replaced Puck’s looks, body and swagger with old moose meat, douche icicles and rocks. Who knew that Bristol’s teenage life was produced by Ryan Murphy?

Bristol Palin Did Not Get Plastic Surgery

Bristol Palin has a really good reason for why she now looks like a silicone jar filled with an Audrina Patridge/Heidi Montag swirl. Bristol didn’t get the tip of a dildo inserted into her chin and a wet vac didn’t suck the baby making fat out of her neck. Bristol tells UsWeekly that she had corrective jaw surgery last December and it changed her face. “Corrective jaw surgery” is the new “deviated septum!”

Bristol had an improper bite (“That explains everything!” – Levi’s peen) and underwent surgery to correct it. Bristol wore braces as a kid to correct her overbite, but dentists have always told her that she would have to get surgery sooner or later. Bristol lost 5 pounds from only eating liquid foods for a couple of months. If you don’t fee like straining your face muscles for the likes of Bristol Palin, feel free to print out a “bitch please mask” to wear while you read what she has to say about her new face.

“It’s not plastic surgery. I had corrective jaw surgery. Yes, it improved the way I look, but this surgery was necessary for medical reasons…so my jaw and teeth could properly realign…I don’t obsess over my face. I am absolutely thrilled with the results. I look older, more mature and don’t have as much of a chubby little baby face. I wouldn’t get plastic surgery unless I got in an accident or something terrible and got disfigured.”

IMPROVED?! Okay. Bristol then went on to say that she suffered from chronic cold neck so she got extensions to correct that condition. Bristol’s doctors also diagnosed her with overactive lungs, so she’ll have to get breast implants in the future to control that. IT’S A MEDICAL CONDITION!

That being said, Bristol’s surgeon fucked up and he should do the surgery again. The doctor didn’t correct anything. I mean, her jaw is still moving.

Did Bristol Palin Chop, Lipo And Rotate Her Face?

Over at Gawker, they have a comprehensive gallery of 20-year-old Bristol Palin’s old face of 2010 and the new face she’s been flaunting all through 2011. One of their “before and after” comparisons is this picture of Bristol in Nov. ’10 paired with a picture of Bristol in April ’11. The Bristol Palin of 2010 looks like Bristol Palin, and the Bristol Palin of 2011 looks like what you would get if JWoww’s face came off on Snooki’s face after they fell asleep on each other in the sauna. Or what you would get if Jay Leno put on an extra-tight Soleil Moon Frye skin suit.

Maybe Bristol lost all that Dancing with the Stars weight and the extra chunk gathered up in her chin. It happens. Maybe one of those Wasilla meth shacks is really an underground chin installing center. It happens too. Whatever the case may be, the result is the same: BRISTOL HAS GONE HOLLYWOOD! Bristol used to look like every other wholesome Alaskan teen who regularly gets caught humping her teen boyfriend on an RV. And now Bristol looks like someone you should be ordering mango Jell-O shots from at the Hawaiian Tropic Zone. It happens too too.

The only real offense I see here is the assault with a deadly tweezer she committed on her eyebrows. Bristol needs to add “her brow hairs” to the list of things that should not be plucked before marriage. This is the word of the lord.

Here’s a few of my own thrown together before and after pictures, but get your Det. La Toya magnifying glass out and click here to see more.

Kate Walsh Helps To Take Down Bristol Palin

Aaaand we all co-sign dude’s side-eye. America’s favorite role model Bristol Palin was supposed to collect a $17,000 check to speak about abstinence at Washington University in St. Louis next month, but she has pulled out (too easy) after some students threatened to drop a protest on her ass. HuffPo reports that Kate Walsh joined the fight when one of the students asked her to Tweet her support. Kate re-Tweeted their message and added her own little face slap to Bristol:

Welcome to the Idiocracy! RT @elliekirsh: @katewalsh please join students at Wash.U. to boycott Bristol Palin’s speech on abstinence. What does she know about college or abstaining?

The president of the advisory committee said that this decision to cancel the event and keep Bristol’s mouth closed was completely mutual. Philip Thomas, the student who started the protest, tells Radar that their problem isn’t abstinence, it’s that Bristol doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about. Philip said, “It’s not necessarily in opposition to the ideas that are being presented. People are getting so angry because of the opposition to Palin’s lack of expertise and the high cost she is charging.”

Bristol Palin talking to college students about keeping their panties on makes no sense. If I had to listen to Bristol go on about how we should all keep our legs closed until God blesses us with marriage, I’d probably want to hump on the closest person or thing. I’d slap a condom on an armrest, lube that bitch up and I pray I don’t get splinters on my prostate. However, if Bristol talked in detail about how her and Levi’s genitals Eskimo kissed daily, I’d immediately dry up and close up shop for the season.

But I still can’t blame Bristol for trying to make a dollar. Hell, I wish I got paid $17,000 an hour to talk about all the fucking (or lack thereof) I did when I was 17.

P.S. – Kate Walsh is in danger, girl. Mama Grizzly is going to huff, puff and blow her house of reason down!

Too Easy: Bristol Palin’s Dating A Pipeline Worker

Bristol Palin called into KWHL’s The Bob & Mark Show on Friday to freshen up her cup of relevancy and talk about all sorts of things like changing Tripp’s last name to Palin (“Yeah, I’ve asked Levi to do it many different times, just get it out of the way, just sign over his parental rights, but I don’t know if he will or if he wants to right now.”) and her new life in Arizona (“I’m thrilled. I love the town that I live in.”)

Bristol also admitted that the rumor about her rubbing her moose pie on a new piece under her bear fur comforter is true. Bristol’s got a new man! By the way, “Bristol’s got a new man” are the 5 words our government needs to hear in order to spike the public’s water supply with birth control pills.

Bristol said this about her new 20-year-old pipeline worker boyfriend:

“Yeah, you know what, I’m seeing a guy and he’s really great and Tripp loves him and we’re having a really good time and we’re really good friends. Yeah, we can go with that.”

Well, let’s hope this one insulates his pipe before he lays it down. Or else Tripp will get a half-sibling named Falll.

via People