The Queen’s Corgis Are A Bunch Of Gangsta Bitches

Princess Beatrice’s 11-year-old Norfolk terrier Max is laid up in the Royal infirmary with a jacked up ear and shank marks on his face, because he was straight jumped by The Queen’s gang of not-the-one Corgis. Yeah, go ahead and add “The Queen’s Corgis” under the Crips and the Bloods on the list of gangs not to fuck around with.

The Telegraph says that during a walk through The Queen’s castle in Scotland, her six Corgis got “overexcited” when Max joined their group and attacked his ass. The Queen’s dog boy (not to be confused with Camilla) tried to break those bitches up, but it was too late and Max was left yelping in pain like the time he walked in on Prince Charles fresh out of the shower. Cut to the source:

“The Queen’s dog boy was taking the corgis for a walk and they were joined by the Norfolk terriers, which came with Prince Andrew. They were being taken along the long corridor leading to the Tower Door before being let into the grounds for a walk, and they all became overexcited. They began fighting among themselves and unfortunately the dog boy lost control. The next thing we knew there were horrific yelps and screams and it seems the corgis picked on Max. He was very badly injured and had to be taken to the local vet. There was blood everywhere.

The Queen and the Duke were very upset when they were told but the dog is really Beatrice’s and she wasn’t there either. She later came up to Scotland and has been looking after Max. He was very lucky to survive. I heard the Princess was very upset because another of her Norfolk terriers, Millie, died from natural causes just a week or so before.”

Because this source uses the word “overexcited,” it sounds like those nasty Corgis got lipstick, tried to get sexy with Max and when Max let them know he doesn’t like them like that, they roughed a poor bitch up. And this source needs to stop lying for The Queen, because you know she was there. The Queen is not going to miss a good brawl. She was probably there hollerin’ at her Corgis like, “Whoop that trick, ese!“

Poor Max, but I’m sure Princess Bea will defend his honor. Those bitchy Corgis think they got the last bite, but they’re wrong. Never mess with a Princess who can leave a bite mark on your face just by flinching at you while flaring her giant Chiclet teeth.

Fist Brown Got Bottled In The Face By Wheelchair Jimmy’s Crew

A strange thing happened at WIP nightclub in NYC last night, Chris Brown raged at a person and the person was not a woman. Just when you think you start to know the world, it does something like this. Both TMZ and Media Takeout say that Drake’s entourage got into a bottle-throwing bitch brawl with Fist Brown’s entourage over RiRi’s Entenmann’s pussy. Yeah, so can you tell your office label maker to please make a label for this file that reads: Dumb ho fights dumb ho over dumb ho. Thank you.

The rumor is that RiRi is patting her vagina with the peens of both Chris Brown and Wheelchair Jimmy. So there was douche-ified tension in the room last night when both of those bitches showed up with their crews. Fist tried to break the awkwardness by sending a bottle over to Wheelchair Jimmy’s table. A source tells MTO that Wheelchair Jimmy responded by returning the bottle to sender with the note: “I’m fucking the love of your life, deal with it.” Being the spoiled mound of toddler dingles that he is, Chris Brown busted into a tantrum, got in Drake’s face and that’s when Drake started throwing punches. If the person Chris is brawling against doesn’t have a vagina, he’s not quite sure how to handle it. So as he scratched his head wondering what to do, someone from Wheelchair Jimmy’s gang beat that bitch in the face with a bottle several times. The blood of the rabid beaver sprayed everywhere.

Club security broke up the fight and the police were called. But when the cops showed up, Drake and Chris were already gone. Chris then jumped on Twitter and tweet whined about the fight before putting up this gross picture of the sign of Wheelchair Jimmy on his chin. (Note: That’s Chris’ nose ring and not a piece of a tampon string or a weird-looking coke flake). Chris’ stupid ass obviously doesn’t know that when you tweet it, they will screen grab it, because after raging on Twitter he deleted everything. But the evidence had already been captured by then. Behold, the parade of n-words:

How u party wit rich niggas that hate? Lol… Throwing bottles like girls? #shameonya!

Niggas is pussy!

Bottles? It’s nothing. Lol

Niggas throwing bottles! Y’all niggaz weak!

Niggas hiding in the bathroom bitch ass niggas!

Ok! Niggas stand behind security!!!! Ok! U don’t pay them enough!

If you read that as, “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OK!” you still read it right. “Throwing bottles like girls?” Yeah, because real men throw punches at girls.

I want to open my mouth to laugh at that picture, but I’m afraid of what will come out while I’m staring deep up into Chris Brown’s nostrils. I also want to do a wheelie for Team Wheelchair Jimmy, but I can’t. I’ll just sit with Team Bottle, because it’s the only reasonable one in this situation.

And here’s RiRi sashaying around NYC last night.

Speaking Of The Munsters….

While I patiently waiting for an all-lemur production of The Munsters starring Mary-Kate Olsen as Lily, Bryan Fuller (the creator of Pushing Daisies and Wonderfalls) and Bryan Singer (the director of The Usual Suspects and the first X-Men movies) are working on a complete reboot of The Munsters for NBC called Mockingbird Lane. They have already cast Eddie Izzard as Grandpa Munster, Mason Cook as Eddie, Charity Wakefield as Marilyn and now they’ve found their Herman Munster in Jerry O’Connell. This is where you put your obligatory “Khloe Kardashian was ROBBED” jokes.

Vulture read the pilot script and they say it’s really nothing like the original. The Double Bryans have taken The Munsters, removed its laugh track, lengthened it to an hour and injected it with a whole lot of silicone-infused drama. Bryan Fuller described their version as The Real Housewives of Transylvania and an American Horror Story for the entire family. NBC is calling it a “visually spectacular one hour drama.” So I guess that means we’ll see Eddie Izzard in a rubber suit and Lily Munster performing her single Tardy for the Funeral at Transylvania Gay Pride.

I will never forgive Bryan Singer for butchering the greatest show in the history of shows, Footballers Wives, by trying to do an American version of it. Bryan can right this wrong by casting Footballers Wives’ Tanya Turner as Lily Munster. Yeah, Tanya Turner as Lily Munster is bizarre, but so far everything about Mockingbird Lane sounds bizarre, so they might as well take the bizarreness all the way. I mean, don’t you want to see Lily and Marilyn get into it like this:

UPDATE: Deadline says Lorena from True Blood might play Lily.

Roseanne And John Goodman Will Be Together Again

America’s future President is trying to make up for Roseanne’s shit puddle of a final season by reuniting with John Goodman to make blue collar magic again. Deadline says that John Goodman (for some reason it feels wrong writing his first name only) is about to sign on to Roseanne’s NBC sitcom pilot called Downwardly Mobile. Roseanne will play the keeper of a mobile home park who is like a mother to everyone who lives there and John Goodman will play one of her best friends, so sadly it doesn’t look like they’ll be bumping fupas on the small screen again.

This news is like an extra star on my blue terry cloth moon robe. (Note: Am I high again or did Roseanne wear a blue terry cloth moon robe in almost every episode? I can’t find pictures of that shit.) Roseanne better keep the lottery out of this and she better find a place for Crystal Conner, because she’s in need of a major comeback. And don’t you miss the old days when Roseanne looked like Marilyn Whirlwind from Northern Exposure.

Way To Go, Deion

Ooooh, breakup by text, you have just been demoted to level #2 on the coldest shit you can do scale. Pilar Sanders, the apparently soon to be ex-wife of the legendary football great Deion Sanders, says she found out about their impending divorce on TMZ.com.  Ho-lee-shit. Stock in Ben N’ Jerry’s and Smith and Wesson just bounced off the charts.

According to TMZ, his wife’s lawyer says, “Pilar’s sole focus and top priority for the last 12.5 years has been her marriage and children. Based on recent discoveries, [Pilar] now realizes that Deion did not view their family the same way.” OUCH. And translation: Deion, just do the right thing and open that wallet. Breaking up with your wife of 12 years and baby mama via internet? New low. *slow claps and writes that down as how to do shit WRONG*

Damn, Deion.  I would think after 12 years, and stretching her body out for your babies, you could at least send her an email.  This bitch is gonna get half plus child support, and you have nobody but your soul-less ass to thank for it.  Enjoy driving around in your Geo Metro!  And RIP common decency. Team Pilar and Deions’ babies.

Sean Penn vs. Maria Conchita Alonso

Besides the DMV, Denny’s, public transportation and a Latin family reunion, the best bitch brawls go down at the airport. Why oh why couldn’t Sean Penn and Maria Conchita Alonso fight it out at JFK this Friday when I’m there. I need this live entertainment in my life. Instead, Maria and the mutated nutsack shanked each other with words at LAX on Sunday afternoon. It all had to do with Sean Penn’s main homegirl Hugo Chavez.

Maria, who was raised in Venezuela, tells Page Six that she once raged against Sean about his love for Chavez in an open letter, but she never got a response. While picking up her mom at LAX, Maria saw Sean in AA’s baggage claim area and she took that opportunity to serve him the truth according to CONCHITA ALONSO!!! Maria says their word brawl went something like this:

Maria: I would like to talk to you.

Sean: I have nothing to say to you. You have been saying a lot of things about me in the press.

Maria: How can you defend Chavez? You are a communist, Sean Penn.

Sean: You are a pig!

Maria: And you are a communist asshole! Is it great to live the way you do as a communist?

Maria walked away, but Sean kept yelling at her and she yelled back.

Maria called into WMAL in DC (hilarious clip below) and apologized for calling Sean an asshole, but she still thinks he’s a communist. When Page Six asked Sean about this, he responded like the dehydrated roid-faced diva he is and acted like he didn’t know it was Maria Conchita Alonso at the time:

“I only knew that a hostile woman was nonsensically berating me. I didn’t realize it was that actress. I think I worked with her once. But she looks really different. She was uninformed and impolite to all the other passengers.”

“That actress.” Ha. For a dude who has a face like a hot boil on a devil’s ass, he sure does throw some cold shade. So I give him a gold star for that.

Never mind that this is a direct insult to communist assholes, I’m kind of disappointed at how this fight went down. Maria and Sean were in Colors together, so the right way to handle this fight would’ve been for her to put on a red bandanna and for him to put on a blue bandanna. Then they should’ve beat each other with gats until Robert Duvall broke ’em up with his baton.