Category: Brawls
Azealia Banks Called Perez Hilton “A Messy Faggot” On Twitter Last Night
Almost every person I know who is into NYC-born rapper/singer Azealia Banks is gay (Side note: I just need to let it be known that the only Banks whose team I’m on is Hilary Banks.), but some of the gay community turned on her and yanked on her Daryl-Hannah-in-Splash weave when she threw around the other f bomb on Twitter last night.
The messiness all started when Azealia, who is known for popping off at her rivals on Twitter, threw a subtle diss at rapper Angel Haze when she tweeted: “Seriously, if you were not born and raised in NY … DON’T CLAIM NY. YOU ARE NOT A NEW YORKER.” Because both of them needed the press, Angel Haze shot back and the two went at it like two 8th graders pulling each other’s hair in front of the cafeteria. Azealia and Angel Haze (which sounds like the worst smelling Victoria’s Secret fragrance ever) then took their fight to Garage Band by hitting each other with their own diss tracks. Then right after Azealia threw more hate at Angel Haze for having the Flatiron District on her chest, Perez Hilton poked his head into the fight when he tweeted this: “You got something against girls with small breasts???”
And then Azelaia turned her back to Angel, put another layer of Crisco on her face, dipped her glued-up hands in broken glass and went after Perez. The two scratched at each other’s faces and shit got really serious when she called him a “messy faggot.” Perez was shocked and appalled by this since we all know that the other f bomb has never fallen off his tongue before. Here’s the gist of their flame war:
So if I look up “messy faggot” in Azealia’s Dictionary, there will be a picture of Perez Hilton next to the definition: “a male who acts like a cunt.” THE HELL? As a gay dude who IS a cunt, I am extremely offended by this and need a personal apology from that troll Azealia right away. Azealia did issue a non-apology last night and then when she woke up this morning, she didn’t back down:
Oh, Twitter, turning “celebrities” into dumb bitches since 2006.
Nothing Like A Good Old-Fashioned Restaurant Brawl
It’s been much too long since we’ve watched tricks and tramps get messy and foolish in the middle of a restaurant. But this time, bitches didn’t get crazy in a Denny’s (shocking) and it didn’t go down in Amurca. The Asians of Toronto are representing the fuckery this time. While Hurricane Sandy snatches weaves, exposes illegal tourist hotels, causes ConEd explosions, squirts up the subway stations and continues to be a real bitch, watch these Asians create a man-made disaster by getting messy in a Vietnamese restaurant. I want to say they’re whoopin’ each other’s asses Gangnam-style, but I’m pretty sure most of them are Vietnamese. Plates are flying! Jackets are coming off! Waitresses are stepping in!
The star of this video isn’t the dude shouting Worldstar over and over again, it’s the exquisite and delicate Asian flower with the mane of white blond hair. Of course that hair is all-natural. I used to think that the natural white blond Asian was just a myth like lesbian unicorns, but this video shows me that they exist in real-life. And they’re even more graceful, demure and refined than I imagined. I bet her nipples are made of cubic zirconia. She’s THAT genteel.
(Thanks, Jenn)
Breaking: RiRi Says Dumb Shit
Oh Rihanna. I usually love bad girls (see la Liz, Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss) but she makes it so very, very difficult. It’s not the shitty music, or the titty baring outfits, or the seemingly low I.Q. It’s that annoying habit she has of talking. You know, expressing herself.
So in this US Magazine article, they cover Vogue’s November issue where they interview RiRi and here are just a few of the eloquent quotes that fluttered from her mouth like a delicate butterfly on a soft warm breeze. And because some of you may not speak butterfly, I took the liberty of translating for you.
“I would love to go on a date. You don’t think that? I’m a woman. A young woman, vibrant, and I love to have fun. And I have too many vaginas around me at this point.”
Translation: Chris Brown never takes me anywhere. And I’m tired of him and his friends all up in my house.
“No one asks. Trust me on that. I’m waiting for the man who’s ballsy enough to deal with me. I’m going to wait, though. You always find the wrong shit when you go looking.”
Translation: Chris never takes me anywhere. And he is all pencil frank and no beans.
About her re-kindling her friendship (read: they’re totally fucking) with Chris after her infamous 2009 beat-down, she said:
“(fans are) not on the inside. They can’t see what I see, unless they’re sitting in my point of view. I guess I’ll learn to accept that.”
Translation: You can’t see what I see, because looking through black eyes makes things kinda blurry.
Swingers
Just when I was getting super comfy in my disdain for them, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to go and rain on my hate parade. Whyyyyyy??? Rivers are running backwards, suns are shining at midnight and dog shit is turning to rainbows!! I’m more confused than the time I was getting down to it with this super hot guy and reached down to find that he somehow had his pinky in his pants. No dick on his hand either, I checked. Saaaad face.
There’s a piece in entertainmentwise about them spending £25,000 to turn an outbuilding on their French estate from a fisherman’s cottage to a den of SUCIO!!! complete with a right kind of toy box and sex swing with stirrups. Somebody’s been reading 50 Shades. I tried to hate on it by screaming WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHIIIILDREEEN but then read on and it’s on the edge of the property, and they even sound-proofed it so the kids can’t hear Brad’s blood curdling screams if Angie rips his head off and eats it after sex like preying mantises (manti??) are prone to do. So, I guess I have to…love it and even…be kind of jealous?? It burns.
There have been rumors that they were putting off their wedding because of Angie’s cold feet but maybe her feet were just cold because the sex swing stirrups were too tight? I don’t know what to think right now.
Wait. The Sun cites a source as saying:
“They disappear down there, telling their kids they’re going out for some fresh air. Brad comes back looking like the cat that got the cream and they are giggly for the rest of the day,”
Okay, BARF. Thank GOD I can go back to hating on them a little.
Oh, They’re Just Doing A Little Mother-Daughter Bonding (UPDATE)
White Oprah recently told the NYDN that she never EVER parties with her daughter, which is why she partied with her daughter in NYC early this morning. TMZ says that Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah left the Electric Room at the Dream Hotel at around 4 and were driving back to Long Island when they started yelling at each other in the car. When they got to White Oprah’s Long Island crack den, they started doing what most cracked out, drunken daughters do with their cracked out, drunken mother: they brawled! To quote the poet Aviva Drescher from The Real Housewives of NYC: “You’re both white trash, quite frankly!”
Who ever called 911 (SPOILER ALERT: their family dealer) told the operator that LiLo had a cut on her leg and White Oprah broke one of her bracelets during their fight. The caller also told the operator that White Oprah and the driver kept LiLo in the car against her own will. The cops thanked both LiLo and White Oprah for keeping them in business and then took a domestic incident report, but didn’t arrest anybody.
These low-rent, gutter slime hags really think they’re Christina and Joan Crawford:
Try again, whores! LiLo and White Oprah could never bring it like Christina and Joan.
But seriously, this is just sad. It’s a tragic day when a ho turns on her pimp over the last bump in an 8-ball. Especially since if it wasn’t for the pimp teaching the ho how to give a sloppy beej in a club bathroom for an 8-ball, they wouldn’t have that 8-ball in the first place! It hurts me thinking about how White Oprah broke a glass bong on the wall to cut a bitch up. That was a Lohan family heirloom. Oh, White Oprah, if you want to win the Pimp of the Year Award at the Players Ball this year, get your ho in check!
UPDATE: Some source tells Radar that White Oprah and LiLo got into a tussle over money. LiLo gave White Oprah $40,000 after partying in the club and during their road home she decided she wanted it back. Well, well, well… I see that the ho is getting bold and didn’t want to give her pimp a cut of the pussy peddling money she made.
And So The Wig Yanking Begins!
Keith Urban’s got wig burns all over his face today and it’s all because he was in the middle of two diva bitches dragging each other back and forth. The producers of American Idol have finally figured out that we don’t want to see a bunch of fresh-faced, sappy ass kids sing some dumb Carrie Underwood song in between crying about how hard their life has been. We want to see WEAVES FLYING, which is sort of what happened during auditions in Charlotte, North Carolina today.
TMZ got a hold of a video of Nicki making Hello Kitty her #1 enemy by cursing Mimi out as Keith Urban contemplated whether or not he should just throw himself out that window behind him. The producers had to press the stop button for the day after the toilet baby of Effie from the Hunger Games and Trash Heap nearly punched the rainbows out of the queen of the lambs. I speak fluent cunt, so this is what I heard in that video:
Nicki: “And if you’ve got a fucking problem, handle it. I told them I’m not fucking putting up with your fucking highness over there.”
Mimi: “Oh why, why do I have a three year old sitting around me?”
Nicki “I’m not sitting here for 20 minutes and have you run down your resume everyday.”
Mimi: “I can’t see my kids, because you decided to act like a little crazy bitch and go all around the stage.”
Nicki: “Go see them now, go. You’re boring as shit!”
Apparently, after this, Nicki threatened to knock Mimi out. If this is some STUNT QUEEN shit, then slow clap for the producers for finally giving us a show. If this isn’t some STUNT QUEEN shit, then slow clap for the producers for fully knowing that putting those two egos together would end with them scalping each other with their acrylic claws.
Mimi responded to this mess on Twitter with a simple: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
And I’m responding to this mess right here with a simple: YAAAAASSSSSSSS!!!
UPDATE: And here’s TMZ’s transcript of this beautiful wreck:
Nicki: Get this shit in self control. Get in control. Get in control.
Randy: Settle down, settle down
Nicki: Don’t lose your head. Don’t lose your head (inaudible). Don’t tell me I’m a gangster.
Nicki: (inaudible) every 5 minutes. So every time you patronize me, I’m-ma take it back, and if you’ve got a fucking problem, handle it.
Nicki: I told them I’m not fuckin’ putting up with her fucking highness over there. Figure it the fuck out. Figure it out.
Nicki: I’m not gonna sit here every fucking minute to have you come down and harass me every minute everyday.