And yes, Alex Trebek (seen above at last year’s ceremony) won another Daytime Emmy even though his show airs in the evening. That’s the POWER of Alex Trebek!
Last night, the Daytime Emmys (the ugly step-sister of the more glamourous Primetime Emmys) were handed out, virtually––and for yet another year, a whole lot of NOTHING passing as riveting television won big. I can’t relate to anything on-air in the mornings because I’m usually either still passed out, or nursing an edibles-and-wine hangover while barely holding it together in a Zoom call. But after reading this list of winners, it’s clear that I’m not missing out on anything.
Giada de Laurentiis did a 6-minute cooking segment on Ellen with Ellen DeGeneres and Nicole Kidman, and it was a mess filled with ball jokes, anus jokes and Nicole spitting out Giada’s focaccia into her porcelain Grinch hand. Yes, Nicole spit. Somewhere John Mayer is making a “Giada would never” joke.
Giada was on to promote the new season of Food Network Star and also to make nerves curl with the way she over-over-enunciates Italian words like she’s Rosetta Stone teaching Italian to dum-dums. Ellen and Nicole were Giada’s helpers and they made fried risotto balls and clementine and fennel focaccia. Clementine, fennel and pizza bread together sounds like a threesome from barf-inducing HELL to me. Cooking segments are always a mess, but this one was really a mess and they all played their role perfectly. Giada was the nitpicky, shrieky and obnoxious teacher. Ellen was the joker SCANDALIZING THEM ALL with her PG-13 jokes about balls and anuses. And Nicole was the shady queen who threw side-eyes and let Giada know that she’d rather tongue kiss Tom Cruise again for show than swallow that focacca.
Maybe Nicole spit out that focaccia because she’s a skinny Hollywood actress and she knows that if evil studio executives see her eating actual carbs, she’ll be passed up for roles for being a PFF (Possible Future Fatty)! But maybe Nicole spit that food out because she knows that even Giada doesn’t eat Giada’s food. So Giada can’t get mad. Nicole learned it by watching you, Giada!
“I hope you nasty bitches choke on your chicken salad fo-CAAAH-ccia finger sandwiches!” No, Giada De Laurentiis would never; choking would involve swallowing, and we all know Giada isn’t familiar with that.
For the past couple of months, the caricature sketch that came to life one day has been rubbing her par-MEEE-giano pocket against a technically-still-married TV producer named Shane Farley. At the time, Giada’s rep made sure everyone knew Giada and Shane didn’t start humping each other until August, five months after he filed for divorce from his wife, personal trainer Jennifer Giamo.
Well, it sounds like Jennifer has found a shoulder to ugly cry into, and Page Six says it belongs to Stephanie March. Back in April, Stephanie called it quits with Giada’s Food Network co-star Bobby Flay, during which a couple eyes darted over to Giada in an “Are you responsible for this?” way. Giada has since gone on the record saying that she’d never fuck on Bobby Flay full-time, but that hasn’t stopped Stephanie and Jennifer from kiki-ing about Giada’s homewrecker slut ways over tea.
According to a “spy” (Page Six makes it sound so juicy), Stephanie and Jennifer had a “royal bitchfest” during high tea at the Gotham Lounge last week. The source claims there was “lots of advice and tears“, which sounds like what happens after I drag a friend to a combination KFC/Taco Bell and dump an order of popcorn chicken on my nachos bel grande.
One of the things they Jennifer was apparently crying about was the possibility of Giada making an appearance in court during their divorce proceedings. However, Page Six claims Jennifer’s lawyer has told them that his client “has elected to take the high road” and won’t be dragging Giada’s ass in. Aw, that’s too bad. I was really hoping we’d find out some dirty secrets about those two, like that their first date was at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar. Although I’m pretty sure any judge with a heart would let you plead the fifth on something like that.
FYI: Giada De Laurentiis’ new piece is the guy on the right. The guy on the left, who sort of looks like Bill Nye drawn as a Doug character, is apparently her brother Igor.
Giada De Laurentiis is legally free from her ex-husband Todd Thompson and she’s already moved on to a new dude, TV producer Shane Farley. Just a couple of days ago, Shane was named as Giada’s current full-time fuck partner and not only was it news (for lack of a better word) to all of us, but it was news to his estranged wife too. Page Six says that Shane is still legally married to personal trainer Jennifer Giamo. Shane filed for divorce in Manhattan back in March. E! said that Shane and Giada first got tingly for each other in 2013 when he was supposed to produce a show starring her and Bobby Flay. They were, of course, both still very married in 2013. Giada’s rep claims that they didn’t start dating until August. But well, someone is definitely blowing farts in our faces, because Page Six says that Shane moved into Giada’s $6 million Pacific Palisades, CA mansion very shortly after filing for divorce.
Shane’s estranged wife Jennifer is apparently upset over finding out through the media that he moved on to the Italian-American lollipop. Jennifer’s lawyer even released a statement to let us all know how upset she is:
“My client is devastated by what she has learned through the tabloids . . . ‘Hurtful’ would be a mild characterization. They’re just in the middle of it.”
I hate everyone involved in this, because they’re making me think and I hate doing that. (“We can tell.” – anybody who reads this blog) If Shane moved to California shortly after filing for divorce in March, wouldn’t Jennifer have found out about him and Giada long before the news came out in E! earlier this week? Or maybe Jennifer is “devastated” because Shane told her he was moving to Los Angeles for work and she’s just finding out why he really moved? Hmmm.
The only reasonable conclusion I can come up with is that all of this is a front to distract us from what’s really going on. It’s a smoke cloud and behind that smoke cloud is the sight of Giada and Bobby Flay having Tweety Bird and Howdy Doody sex. Open your eyes, everyone! Actually, no, close them, because nobody needs to see that.
Because the first rule of the internet is: “If you think it exists, it does“, there’s no doubt in my mind that there’s definitely some Food Network fanfic out there starring toothy par-meeeeee-ganno hustler Giada de Laurentiis and alleged cheater chef Bobby Flay. With that being said, I’m sure if I look hard enough I could rustle up some barf-making fanfic featuring the jacked plank-roasted salmon filet that is Robert Irvine and the sloppy dirtbag who hosts Chopped Canada, but I love my gag reflex too much to do that, so I won’t (but, you know, you have my email address, so….).
What I’m trying to get at here is that those fanfic stories of Giada rolling her Rs against Bobby’s fire-grilled chorizo will only ever stay stories. Giada recently admitted during an appearance on Watch What Happens Live (via Page Six) that she would never date Bobby Flay. Andy Cohen claims there are people out there who want to see the hosts of The Next Food Network Star get together, and the timing is right, since they both dumped their decade-long marriages in the trash within five months of each other. But it’s not going to happen. Why? Because Giada is too smart for that shit, apparently.
“We’re very good friends, we’ve worked for many years together. But I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, because I’m smarter than that.”
Giada then explained that she’d never date another chef, because she “knows better.” She added:
“I’m one of them. I know better.”
I’ve never been a chef or dated a chef, so I have no idea what she means by that. Is it a common stereotype that chefs are a bunch of low-down dirty slutbags who will “generously season” anything that moves? Is every chef like that? Good lord, I hope not; it’s too early in the EVER to picture a horny Mario Batali hanging an orange Croc on the doorknob of a walk-in fridge.
The Blind Item Queen, Giada De Laurentiis, is officially divorced (or as she probably says it, “deeeee-vor-chaid”) from her husband of 12 years Todd Thompson and even though their love is dead, they’ll be bonded for a long time thanks to their child and the $9,000 she has to send his ass every single month.
TMZ says that Giada and Todd didn’t have a prenup, so they split everything up 50/50. This is the prize package Todd got for signing those divorce papers:
– Their $3.2 million house in Pacific Palisades, CA.
– $300,000 in art and furniture.
– A membership to some fancy country club in Bel-Air.
– A piece of their joint bank accounts, which have around $2 million in them.
– 50% of the unpaid advances (totaling around $5.5 million) she’s getting for several cookbooks that are currently in the works.
– $9,000 a month in child support.
– A Porsche.
Giada gets to keep her own Porsche and all the rights to her brand. Todd isn’t getting spousal support, because apparently, he’s almost as rich as her. TMZ says his net worth is $15 million and hers is $20 million. They have agreed to share joint custody of their 7-year-old daughter Jade Marie.
$9,000 a month in child support when they share custody? Either that’s a little extra STFU money or their daughter eats a bowl of solid gold flakes every morning.
If the Italian-American Tweedy Bird of the Food Network is looking to rebound by marrying a skinny fat gay blogger who won’t roll his eyes like other HATERS when she says, “parm-ih-john-o reg-ee-ah-no,” and won’t judge her if she wants to jump on John Mayer’s David Duke dick (again, allegedly), she knows where to find me. It’d be the perfect marriage, but only if we marry without a prenup, because I believe in complete trust (and getting to keep our Pacific Palisades mansion in the divorce).