Category: Benedict Cumberbatch
Leaping Alien Lizards!
It looks like Benedict Cumberbatch is the Jennifer Lawrence of this awards season. Yay.
During that awkward Golden Globes skit where Margaret Cho (done up as a North Korean journalist for a movie magazine) got her picture taken with Meryl Streep, the ever thirsty Babadook Chamomilepunch just had to snatch away some of the attention by jumping into the picture. He looked like my chihuahua trying to get on the bed. I get that CUMBERBOMBING is B. Cums’ thing, but this shit was so choreographed and staged that I could practically hear Debbie Allen scream, “3..2…JUMP,” off camera. B. Cums even changed into a blinding white blazer so that everyone could clearly see him jumping over the Meryl. Was it really necessary? B. Cums already got a lot of attention for his engagement and for the cumberbaby growing in a human woman’s uterus, and now he’s trying to get more attention by Jennifer Lawrence’ing his way through awards season. What’s next? He’s going to stage a fall at the Oscars and tell a magazine how he just loves the smell of his fiancee’s pregnancy farts?
What am I saying!
B. Cums wasn’t going full attention whore by photobombing that picture. He was trying to escape! That wasn’t a leap for attention, it was a leap for help. He was obviously trying to jump away from the conniving, scheming, hussy harlot who trapped him into being a father and husband. I’ve seen all of the Planet Earths so I should know a lizard’s distress face when I see one. And here I am calling him an attention whore when he’s in pain and trying to get away from that lizard trapper. Shame on me.
And if Golden Globe winner Eddie Redmayne has any love in his heart for the alien lizard community, he’d drop out of the Oscar race and let B. Cums take the award for Best Actor. After everything B. Cums has been through, he deserves it.
The “Over The Moon” Watch: The Alien Lizard King Benedict Cumberbatch Is Going To Be A Father
So it begins… It was the Mayans who said (they didn’t say this) that in the year 2014, a human will mate with an alien lizard king visiting from another planet and months later she will give birth to an all-powerful baby who will take over the world and capture us all. They were right. Soon, we’re all going to be Cumberbtiches whether we like it or not.
Benedict Cumberbatch’s rep tells E! News that his fiancee of two months Sophie Hunter is carrying a cumberbaby in her womb. When asked for a comment, Oscar rival Eddie Redmayne said, “Oh yeah, oh yeah, well my WIFE is pregnant with quadruplets and we’ve already named them Oscarella, Oscarina, Oscartina and Oscarola.” Even though I’m obsessed with the Cumberbitches (does that mean I’m a Cumberbitchbitch?), I haven’t been to Tumblr yet, so I have no idea if it’s crumbled from the weight of 10,000 word posts written by his hardcore fans who think it’s sad that their God’s team is making him get engaged and make a baby just to win a trophy. Or maybe they haven’t written any posts like that, because they were too busy using their fingers to poke out their eyes after reading the worst thing they’ve ever read.
Here’s the statement from B. Cums’ rep:
“I am delighted to confirm that Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter are expecting their first child. They are both over the moon.”
Yes, they said “over the moon,” but it doesn’t bother me. They probably went over the moon literally while traveling to his home planet to share the happy news with his subjects.
In case you missed them, here’s pictures of Sophie’s “bump” at the Palm Springs International Film Festival over the weekend.
Benedict Cumberbatch’s Fiancee Does The “Hide The Bump” Pose At The Palm Springs Film Festival
The holidays are over and famous actor types have taken off their bikinis and said goodbye to sunbathing their parts on a yacht in the Caribbean and put on a $10,000 borrowed designer gown to say hello to weeks of getting drunk on top shelf champagne while jacking off other famous actor types at award shows and film festivals. They all went back to “work” last night at the awards gala for the Palm Springs International Film Festival in wait for it… wait for it… Palm Springs, CA.
Reese Witherspoon won the Chairman’s Award for Wild, Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne won the Desert Achievement Award for Still Alice and The Theory of Everything, J.K. Simmons won the Spotlight Award for Whiplash, the cast of The Imitation Game won the Ensemble Cast Award and Rosamund Pike and David Oyelowo won the Breakthrough Performance Award for Gone Girl and Selma. And Bennyhill Custardsnatch and his fiancee of ten minutes Sophie Hunter walked away with the I See You Bitches Award.
If You’ve Ever Wanted To See Benedict Cumberbatch And Reese Witherspoon Suck Face, Here You Go
Also, if you’ve always wanted to see Bendandsnap Culohatch touch mouths with Laura Jeanne Poon, then you’re a sucio, kinky fuck. The next time I type “felching” into PornHub, I’ll tell myself not to feel too gross since out there in the world are messes more depraved than me. The kind of messes who get the tingles from watching these to go at it with their mouths.
It’s that time of year again when actors who want an Oscar work it like their pimp is in jail and they gotta bail him out before morning. Every year, The New York Times Magazine answers the question “Which actors are so hard up for an Oscar that they’ll do whatever we say?” by putting out a bunch of artsy videos starring some Oscar hopefuls. This year they took 17 of this year’s “best actors” (and Kristen Stewart) and paired them up together in kissing scenes. B. Cums and Reese got paired up and this is what their kiss looks like:
When I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade we went on a field trip to the zoo and we got to watch a zookeeper feed an iguana pieces of butternut squash. That iguana was all about the butternut squash. So while watching B. Cums and Reese kiss, I kept waiting for him to show his lizard self by trying to bite off her chin after mistaking it for a butternut squash.
The rest of the RIVETING videos are after the cut. If you need to know names before you commit by clicking, the kissing hos include: Kristen Stewart, Rosario Dawson, Patricia Arquette, Chadwick Boseman, Jack O’Connell, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Miles Teller, Julianne Moore and more. You can pull your pants up and put the lube away, because there is man-on-man mouth action but it’s not between Chadwick and Jack.
Benedict Cumberbatch Finally Confirmed For Doctor Strange
The powers-that-be at Marvel were all in their offices one day, doing what they usually do (burn money for fun), when one of them said out loud, “You know, that Bendable Cummysnatch fellow is really underexposed, so we should give the kid a little attention and cast him in one of our tiny movies.” After weeks of rumors that the King of the Salarians will play a human superhero, Marvel has finally let it be known that Hollywood’s Mister Strange is going to be Doctor Strange.
Benedict Cumberbatch has entered the world of the mystic arts.
The actor will star in Marvel’s “Doctor Strange,” scheduled to hit theaters November 4, 2016. The film, directed by Scott Derrickson with Jon Spaihts writing the screenplay, will follow the story of neurosurgeon Doctor Stephen Strange who, after a horrific car accident, discovers the hidden world of magic and alternate dimensions.
“Stephen Strange’s story requires an actor capable of great depth and sincerity,” said Producer Kevin Feige. “In 2016, Benedict will show audiences what makes Doctor Strange such a unique and compelling character.”
What that Kevin Feige dude means is that they needed an actor with the kind of crazy, obsessed fans who will empty out their 401ks to buy out an entire IMAX theater showing Doctor Strange so they can jack it in peace.
My only hope is that one of the spells B. Cums has to say will include the word “penguin.”
Benedict Cumberbatch Has A Message For The Cumberbitches: Stop Calling Yourseves Cumberbitches
Newsflash, Benny – it doesn’t matter what the message is, those crazy Cumberbitches will automatically translate it into: “Your internet boyfriend has a message for you: I LOVE YOU, LET’S GET MARRIED“. Emmet Otter’s fancy British cousin Benedict Cumberbatch recently spoke to People about his online legion of die-hard obsessed fans, The Cumberbitches, and says he’s flattered that there are so many humanoid otter enthusiasts out there, but he’s got a bit of a problem with the name they’ve chosen. Eggs Benedict then put on his best Women’s Studies Professor caftan and schooled those Cumberbitches on their misuse of the word ‘bitch’:
“But on a serious note, come on, give yourself more power as women. Don’t just call yourself bitches! I know it was a joke, and more of an empowering thing. The majority of [the fans] are smart and savvy and just having fun, but it’s getting out there. It sounds a bit [rude].”
Benedict suggested they might want to call themselves something else, like Cumbersomes, Cumbercollective, or Cumberfans instead. Ok, what about Dick Cummers? Or Cum Sluts? Is that still too rude? I think it might be too rude.
But I think it’s adorable that Benedict is clutching his pearls over the nickname Cumberbitches, because those horny horny Tumblr hos could have gone with something waaaaaay worse. For a dude whose name has both the words Dick and Cum in it, I’d say they kept it pretty tame.
And here’s the alien lizard apple of every Cum Chum’s eye wearing a mangy ginger poodle as a wig while filming Richard III. Seriously, what is that wig: it looks like polyester took dry shit on sadness.
Pics: Splash, FameFlynet