After Joaquin Phoenix dropped a fart on Marvel’s offer for the title role in the Doctor Strange movie, every single person on Earth with a peen was “in talks” to play the lead. Every trick from Ethan Hawke to the Texas T-Rex to Jared Leto to Oscar Isaac to Jake Gylleenhaal to the dude who works the weekend day shift at my weed shop and always calls me “Mikey” was in talks for Doctor Strange. Well, Marvel can finally stop spending all of its time being “in talks” with every man who exists, because Deadline and The Wrap both say that the alien amphibian who makes Tumblr’s clit throb will sign on as soon as his lizard trainer teaches him how to sign his signature with a pen like a human.
The Wrap says that Bendadick Cumsinbatches almost didn’t get the part, because of scheduling conflicts, but they’ve worked it all out and an announcement will be made as soon as the deal is finalized. Scott Derrickson is directing and shooting will start early next year. It’s expected to come out in July 2016.
I know more about proper grammar than I do about Doctor Strange, so that should tell you how much I know about Doctor Strange. But judging by Doctor Strange’s fabulous wizard costume, I’m going to call it now and say that the movie is going to make at least 20 billion dollars. Because B. Cum’s crazed Cumberbitches will pay anything to see their cream-inducing god in tights. Movie theaters should start stocking up on rubber gloves and paint scrapers, because they’re going to have to chisel off a lot of dried coochie cream from the seats every night.