Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo Just Welcomed Their Second Kid

It’s weird to think it wasn’t THAT long ago when you saw Adam Levine doing everything short of wolf-whistling ringside at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Eventually, he got married to one of the Victoria’s Secret models he wolf-whistled at, Behati Prinsloo, and those two have become a domestic rocker/model duo, especially now that she just gave birth to their second baby.

E! News says Behati gave birth to a daughter they named Geo Grace Levine. I really hope I’m not the only one who heard that name and is now seriously considering Netflix and chilling to Gia tonight. Adam and Behati announced they were expecting in September, just a year after she gave birth to their first daughter, Dusty Rose. Adam, however, told Ellen DeGeneres during an interview he didn’t expect this to be their last tater tot:

“I want a lot [of kids], I thrive in chaos. She was an only child, so she wants like 100 babies. I don’t know if I can do that. That’s a lot of babies.”

His so-called “thriving” in chaos certainly explains why he’s been a constant in all 400 seasons of The Voice, but has anyone chatted with Behati? Pushing out a stream of kids just to give Adam the chaos he craves seems a little one-sided in the marriage contract!

Pic: Wenn.com

Adam Levine Is A Daddy Now

UsWeekly says that Adam Levine’s model wife Behati Prinsloo finally gave birth to their baby yesterday in California. UsWeekly doesn’t have many details. Like there’s no word on whether or not Baby Levine came out with a couple random tattoos that it got in the womb while it was waiting to be born (it does have its daddy’s DNA after all). Neither Adam nor Behati have confirmed they had a kid by Instagramming a picture of Baby Levine holding Behati’s finger or tweeting a shout-out to the baby wipe brand who dropped off the most cases of product. “Big ups 2 @Pampers for their mad poop-removal skills!”

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Open Post: Hosted By Adam Levine Bumping Bumps With His Pregnant Wife

In case you forgot that in a few months a human child will have to suffer through the pain of looking at the Tragic Tattoo Hall of Shame on Adam Levine’s body, he reminded everyone that he’s going to be somebody’s daddy by posting this picture on Instagram of he and his wife Behati Prinsloo getting into some belly button kissing. Behati is currently pregnant with a human, and in that picture, Adam was pregnant with In-N-Out and douche bloat. Adam added this caption.

Week 20 and I’m finally popping! #impregnanttoo

The Summer’s Eve people regularly study Adam Levine’s DNA to find ways to make their douches douchier, but I would. And when I look at that picture of him with a belly, I tell myself that, yup, I still would and then I wonder if tattooed pregnant dude porn exists. And no, I am not going to Google “tattooed pregnant dude porn.” Not today.

Pic: Instagram

Just Call Him Daddy Levine From Now On

When Adam Levine, the biggest slut named Adam (which is saying a lot since we all know the original Adam fucked everything in that garden), got married to panties model Behati Prinsloo, I figured that his fickle dick would find itself swan diving into a new piece before his first wedding anniversary. But tip me over and pour me out, because Adam and Behati have been married for almost two years and they made it without Star Magazine reporting that his peen got caught in a side trick’s coochie jar. And now they’re going to be parents! The Four Horsemen would make an appearance, but they’re saving their energy for when Leonardo DiCatchAho’s frequent flier dick retires from the game and makes a baby.

E! News and People both say that the Victoria’s Secret Angel and the Coldplay lead singer will be a mom and a dad sometime this fall. The thrilling details via E!

The Victoria’s Secret model is pregnant, E! News has learned. This will be the first child for Levine and Behati, who is 3-4 months along in her pregnancy.

“She knows what she’s having and she’s very excited,” a source tells E! News.

Whatever they have, I hope that Behati does what’s right as the protector of a delicate child by telling her baby that no matter what, they should never ever look at daddy’s bare back. When they go to the beach, baby needs to keep their eyes closed at all times. When baby barfs up on daddy’s shirt and he needs to change it, they should immediately shut their eyelids. Because a young child isn’t strong enough to deal with the derpy mermaid bird of death on Adam Levine’s back. No child should be exposed to that amount of fuckery.

Here’s Behati getting motorboated by a big, pink swan at the launch of Victoria’s Secret new swim collection in L.A. two days ago.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

Frankie Grande’s Sister Brought True Toddler Hoochie 90s Hooker Glamour To The VMA Red Carpet

…because DUH, where else is a toddler-faced hoochie supposed to bring it? Just like how Chuck E. Cheese is the place where a kid can be a kid, the red carpet at the VMAs is the place where a sexy fetus can dress in 90s day-shift streetwalker couture and the only thing people will wonder is whether or not her skirt is short enough. You should be dressed slutty enough that someone calls both the vice squad and CPS.

Ariana Grande Latte, the sexy rhythm-deficient singing fetus and Frankie Grande’s less famous sister, did what Ariana Grande Latte do best by by showing up to the VMAs looking like she was ready to turn tricks for Milli Vanilli’s Moonman, then find a no-good Kindergartener named Raiyden to which she can sell the Moonman for a bag of animal crackers and a Capri Sun. The only thing she needs to complete the look is a purse to carry the cellphone Frankie gave her (for when he needs to call her up and prove to people that he’s related to Ariana Grande), and she’s ready to hit the stroll! Click clack, pretend to make that Playskool money, honey! Although I have to deduct points for originality, since Paisley from Toddlers & Tiaras already did it first and, to be quite honest, better. But A+ for execution, no doubt about that.

Here’s more from the VMA red carpet, including JLo (who looked bueno, but also sort of like the Madame Tussauds version of herself), Jessie J wearing an IKEA curtain panel, Iggy Azalea looking like the princess of a far away land called Strippertonia, Charli XCX looking like Marsupilami’s skanky cousin, and a very knocked-up Kelly Rowland in Heidi hair.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Adam Levine Somehow Found A Way To Make Himself Look Douchier

My thoughts and prayers go out to that pussy in the middle of that pussy collage tank who’s obviously making a “Dear God, for why have I been forced to be seen with this douche?” look.

Adam Levine looked in the mirror one day and thought to himself, “Hmm, I wonder how I can make myself look even sleazier?” The little douche devil sitting on his shoulder whispered into his ear, “Bleach your hair.” So that’s what he did. Yesterday, Adam tweeted this picture of him showing off his new Spike from Buffy hair next to the fiancee he’ll probably dump in a few months for a younger Victoria’s Secret Angel. When I was a teenager, I tried bleaching my hair several times, because that’s what teenagers do. Every time I’d bleach my hair, most of my hair would fall out. My friend told me that my hair was doing me a favor, because if the blond stayed on my head, I’d look like a Santa Monica Blvd. meth whore. Her comments hurt me extra hard, because the Santa Monica Blvd. meth whore look was the look I was trying to go for. Anyway, Adam’s hair did him no favors, because it stayed in his head and he looks a mess.

That blond hair is really elongating his sixhead. He went from having a sixhead to having a RiRihead. He looks like the villain from Desperately Seeking Susan’s equally as creepy son. He looks like a NYC video store clerk from the 90s who jacks off under the counter while watching ladies bend over to pick out a movie on the bottom shelf. And that blue steel pose. More like blue foil.

And yes, yes, I would, but only so I could find out if he bleached his dick bush too.