Rihanna And Travis Scott Are Probably Doing It

And now in “Whose name is being angrily scrawled into Wheelchair Jimmy’s diary while he fights back tears” news, Rihanna might be rubbing her ooh-na-nas against rapper and record producer Travis Scott. So for those of you keeping a tally of who Rihanna has been maybe fucking in 2015, go ahead and add another zero, because I’m pretty sure we just hit the 1,000,000 mark. A single tear of pride just slid down RiRi’s rumored former fuck friend Leo DiCaprio’s face and splashed onto a model’s bony ass cheek.

According to TMZ, RiRi and Travis Scott, who co-wrote and produced “Bitch Better Have My Money“, have been hanging out in New York all week. Then on Thursday night, she and Travis was spotted canoodling (don’t worry, my brain and I plan on driving ourselves off a cliff, Thelma & Louise-style, for using that word) at a NYFW afterparty she was hosting. TMZ got a blurry Blair Witch-looking video of them acting like horny teenagers at a school dance, because why wouldn’t you want to see that?

I know nothing about RiRi’s new man, except for that his name sounds like every BMX competitor at the X Games, so I did a little research. According to Wikipedia, Travis Scott – who was born Jacques Webster, which is a hot name – has said that one of his influences is Björk. Welp, that’s all I need to know. Anyone who is down with the ageless Icelandic fever dream pixie gets an automatic thumbs up from me.

Here’s more of RiRi and Travis at her NYFW afterparty. Sidenote: I love RiRi’s lipstick. “I just blew Boo Berry” is always a makeup look that works.

Pics: Splash

Sorry Single Guys, But Gwyneth Paltrow Is Still With Brad Falchuk

Despite recent whispers that she was done rubbing her parched parts on her secret-not-secret boyfriend of almost a year, People says Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk were spotted driving from an airport to a hotel in Rome together on Thursday. Unless Brad is making a little extra cash as Goopy’s personal assistant, that probably means they’re together.

A source, who sounds like they’re gunning for a copywriting job at GOOP.com, tells People that Gwyneth and Brad were “serene and pleased in each other’s company, happy.” The reason Gwyneth was in Rome was to sit in the front row of a Valentino couture show yesterday. In the event you want to see what it looks like when Goopy is about to scream at the GPS for not addressing her as “Ms. Paltrow“, People has a couple pictures of Goopchuck driving around Rome. In a (shudder) rental car. I’m sure the first thing Goopy hissed when Brad pulled around with their rental car was “Excuse me? What in the fuck is that piece of shit. We’re in Rome. Where’s my 70 BC golden chariot? You think Julius Caesar would been seen in a LeBaron? Christ, Brad, get it together. I’M GWYNETH PALTROW!”

First Jennifer Lawrence goes back to Chris Martin, then Brad Falchuk returns to Goopy? Does Neil deGrasse Tyson know anything about the possible gravitational pull of crotches? Because I’m starting to think Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have some kind of smug gravitational pull that prevents their partners from leaving their orbit.

And here’s Gwyneth looking like the sugar-free vanilla creme in the middle of Giancarlo Giammetti and Valentino’s sexy orange sandwich cookie.

Pics: Wenn.com

Calvin Harris Shuts Down The Rumor That He’s Allergic To Taylor Swift’s Pussies

Not pictured: Taylor Swift standing right behind Calvin Harris, shaking a bottle of prescription-strength Claritin while whispering, “You know, it would be a real shame if someone were to, I dunno, write a song about you…now make with the bonding, or I’ll flush every last pill down the toilet!”

Last week, we learned that Taylor Swift’s current relationship (or whatever we’re supposed to call it when Taylor Swift starts running her thirsty girlfriend game on a dude) with buff DJ Calvin Harris might be in trouble because he’s allergic to her precious pussies. Anyone with a cat allergy knows first-hand that the struggle is real, so I figured it was only a matter of time before Calvin scraped all his snotty tissues off the floor, packed up his neti pot, and went home for good. But it looks like he might be sucking it up (it being gallons of leaky nose water) and making it work.

Last night, Calvin posted a picture of Tay Tay’s two kitty cats, Meredith Grey and Olivia Benson, to Instagram with the caption “Moment.” Surprisingly, it wasn’t immediately followed by a picture of the ceiling of an ambulance with the caption, “Well, that didn’t last long.” So that’s a good sign, right? Additionally, a “source” tells UsWeekly that Taylor and Calvin are “going strong.”

Then again, we have no idea what the circumstances surrounding this picture were. Calvin could have taken this picture from a building across the street using a telephoto lens. Or maybe he was in Tay Tay’s apartment, but he took the photo from inside a hermetically-sealed bubble suit. Or maybe it’s just a picture of a picture of her cats? Cat-ception! I knew it!

Pic: Instagram

Kristen Stewart Isn’t Crying Any Tears Over Robert Pattinson’s Engagement

I know she may look like she’s two seconds away from doing the full body sadness slump into a pile of Robert Pattinson’s old greasy-pitted t-shirts, but apparently that’s actually Kristen Stewart’s face’s way of communicating serene happiness. According to People, KStew isn’t bothered by the fact that her former partner in real life Twilight fan fiction fuckery has given his girlfriend of 6 months an engagement ring. A source (Hi Alicia Cargile!) says that when KStew found out about the possibility of FKA Twigs becoming Mrs. FKA Twigs-Pattz, she just sort of shrugged her shoulders and continued practicing her scowl in the mirror:

“Kristen is doing fine, working and traveling, and she will survive Robert’s engagement. She has her own life and has moved on. Kristen lives a much more low-key life now and seems happier. It was obvious that she was struggling with the media attention [during her relationship with Rob].”

I’m sure reading that made those last few Twihards so furious their hands couldn’t even type out the words “LIAR! KRISTEN IS WEEPING TEARS OF PURE SADNESS, I KNOW IT!” without wanting to whip their keyboards halfway across the room. But I believe it. Like Kristen even cares that her ex might be getting married? Or even cares about marriage at all? She totally seems like the type who would show up to her own wedding day in a pair of ripped black jeans and a Joy Division shirt like with a Marlboro red hanging out of the corner of her mouth, hissing “Okay, let’s get this over with” before chugging an entire bottle of champagne. Actually, that sounds like a super fun wedding.

Emma Stone And Andrew Garfield Might Be Over

After almost four years together, the Madewell version of Robsten (I’m sure my inbox is filling up with “Subject: YOU SKANK BITCH” emails courtesy of those last few die-hard Twihards for that one) might be calling it quits. According to Star (via Hollywood Life), 26-year-old Emma Stone and 31-year-old Andrew Garfield are taking a break from each other. I know, if Spider Man and Spider Man’s girlfriend can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?

Even though they seemed like a match made in pap-shaming heaven, a source (a gossipy mouse that lives in Andrew Garfield’s beard) says they’ve been drifting apart for a while now. The source also says that when Andrew blamed being a no-show at the Golden Globes and the Oscars on filming, he was being a lie-telling liar:

“Yes, Andrew was filming but he could have gotten away if he really wanted to. The fact was, neither one of them wanted to plaster on a smile and pretend everything was OK when it wasn’t.”

Currently they’re “taking some time apart to figure things out”, but anyone who has ever tried going on a break knows that a “break” is usually the fart that leads to a dump, so we’ll see what happens. In the mean time, you might want to set up a makeshift prayer shrine using a bunch of red headed Blythe dolls and a Garfield candle (everyone has one of those, right?) just in case. I mean, any excuse to pull out that exquisite Garfield candle, right?

This Is The Last Time You’ll See Duchess Kate Before She Births Out Her Second Royal Baby

I have no idea why, but I just pictured Duchess Kate saying “Bye y’all, bye y’all” like Tami Taylor. Maybe it’s the hair? Regardless, this is the last time you’ll see Duchess Kate do the royal smile n’ wave for a while, because she’s now officially on maternity leave. Duchess Kate made her last official royal appearance earlier today at the Stephen Lawrence Centre in South London with Prince William, and now she’s free to kick up her feet up on a corgi while she wait for the contractions to start. I wonder if her coats threw her a going away party?

With Kate stuck in the house cruising Craigslist for a housekeeper, I wonder if Prince William will sub-in an alternate for future appearances? The obvious choice would be Prince Harry, but even better would be if Prince William swapped himself out for Baby Prince George.

Then they should switch out the royal limousine for a Harley with a sidecar. And instead of playing whatever boring-ass song they play when Duchess Kate and Prince William show up, they blast “Raise A Little Hell” by Trooper. That’s the royal visit I want to see! I can just picture a hungover Harry screaming into a megaphone: “Ladies and gentlemen of whatever charity we’re making an appearance at, please welcome the Bad Boyz of Buckingham Palace!” before turning to his nephew and saying “Oi, George – pass me a sick bag, mate.”

Here’s more of Duchess Kate on her last day of work for a while (I know, “work” should be in quotations):

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com