File Under “How Dreadful!”: Duchess Kate Recycled A Dress For A Fancy Dinner Party Last Night

Money must be tight at the castle (cut to two surly dudes named Nigel and Simon repossessing Baby Prince George and Unky Harry’s solid-gold hot tub), because on the left is Duchess Kate wearing a Jenny Packham dress at a fundraiser back in February, and on the right is a 5-months pregnant Duchess Kate wearing the same Jenny Packham dress to the St. Andrews University 600th anniversary dinner in NYC last night. And this isn’t even the first time she’s recycled that dress either; E! says she also wore it to a benefit 14 months ago. Wearing the same dress three times to three fancy events? Say it with me now: GAUCHE! Even Chanel-suit Marge Simpson is like “You need to get a new dress.”

But now that the snobby bitch in me is done talking, the lazy leggings-wearing sloth that I truly am can admit that I don’t totally hate that Duchess Kate decided to recycle that dress. First of all, it’s not hideous (that’s a type of compliment, right?). Second, when you wear the same dress a couple of times, there are no surprises; you know exactly just how much cheese you can eat before the fabric around the waist goes from tight to pray for zipper. Or whether or not you need to worry that your thighs will create a whole bunch of static cling that makes the fabric bunch up and look like your pussy is trying to eat your dress. Or if the fabric will show wine stains when you get a case of the sloppies. These are the important questions.

Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William at the 600th anniversary of St. Andrews in NYC last night. Sidenote: you know you’re rich as shit when you’re invited to the 600th anniversary of something.

Pics: Splash

Lena Dunham Might Have Bleached All Her Hair And Gotten A Bowl Cut

I know, this is some real EXTRA EXTRA BREAKING NEWS shit. You’ll always remember where you were when you heard the news that Hannah from Girls might have cut her hair.

So it looks like either Lena Dunham got to keep the wig that she wore during her marvelous next-level bonkers interpretive dance to Sia’s “Chandele-heeeer”, or she grabbed a pair of scissors and cut her hair to look like it. And I hope it’s the latter, because this is the kind of look you don’t ever want to take off.

Lena recently wrapped shooting on the 4th season of HBO’s Girls, which means she’s free to roam about the cabin and do whatever she wants hair-wise, and it looks like her first order of business was calling up her hair dresser and telling her to prep a bowl and an obscene amount of bleach, because it was time for Little Critter to transition into Canary Yellow. And last night she showed off her new hair by posting a selfie to Instagram with the caption “Change is good”, which gets a big NO DUH! from me, because Jackie Rogers Jr. is ALWAYS the look. I mean, obviously nobody can hold a candle to the glimmering pizazz and avant-garde albino glamour of Jackie Rogers Jr., but I’ll give her points for trying.

Pic: Instagram

BREAKING: Anna Kendrick Is Not Actually Doing The Dickless Dude From Game Of Thrones

Stop whatever it is you’re doing right now (attempting to teach yourself how to sleep with your eyes open, trying to invent a breakfast wine)(please tell me when you’ve invented that breakfast wine) and listen up, because I have some very important news for those of you who live on the cutting edge of “Who?”s dating “WHO???”s. On Tuesday news outlets across the globe reported the budding romance between Pitch Perfect actress and human Miss Bianca Anna Kendrick and Game of Thrones’ Theon Greyjoy (aka Alfie Allen) after they were spotted eating sushi together in Las Vegas, which as we all know is the universal sign that you’re fucking someone. However, according to Anne Kendrick (via Daily Mail), Anna Kendrick isn’t actually dating Alfie Allen. It wasn’t until Gawker tweeted about the new couple that Anna informed everyone that, yes, they had sushi, but no, she’s not tapping the Cups song on Alfie’s penis with her tongue:

For some reason, she later deleted the tweet, so maybe she actually is dating Alfie Allen, but she temporarily forgot she was because there’s a gas leak in her house that causes her to lose her memory. Sometimes that’s good, like if you want to forget you were ever in Twilight (which I’m sure she does), but sometimes that’s bad, like when you forget who you’ve rubbed your down-lows on. Actually, sometimes you want to forget those too.

So there you have it! Two sort-of boring human shoulder shrugs aren’t humping on each other. Cancel the hand-embroidered set of his-n-hers hand towels, and return the bassinet, because there will be no mouse-lizard baby. I know, however will you go on? You should probably call in sick to work, or if you’re already there, just grab your shit and leave. And when your boss asks where the fuck you’re going, turn around and scream “DOES GOING OUT FOR SUSHI IN LAS VEGAS MEAN NOTHING ANYMORE?!!?!”

Pic: Daily Mail

Michael Strahan And Nicole Murphy Might Have Called It Quits Over Either A Messy Prenup Fight Or A Side-Piece

There’s nothing that makes me sadder than hearing about a prenup coming between a thirsty gold-digging ho and her delicious divorce dollars. Hey prenup, what’s your problem? Why can’t you let a wallet-humping bitch be great?

According to Page Six, that spiteful killjoy of a legal document might be the reason former NFL player and current chipper morning TV host Michael Strahan and celebrity ex-wife Nicole Murphy called off their 5-year engagement. A source claims that prior to getting married, Michael wanted Nicole to sign a prenup, which Nicole refused, probably because a woman with such a tight eyebrow game knows you never sign a prenup when there’s a chance you could get your hands on some sweet Live! with Kelly and Michael money. However, Michael wouldn’t budge; even though he already knows what happens when a prenup comes back to bite you in your rich ass. The source also says that even though he asked Nicole to sign a prenup, Michael has always been very generous to her, especially after she lost $7 million dollars of her Eddie Murphy divorce winnings to a shady investment scheme. Regardless, they couldn’t come to an agreement about the prenup, so they called their engagement off.

BUT!! According to TMZ, Michael and Nicole’s split has less to do with wallet humping and more to do with actual humping. A source close to the couple (Kelly Ripa’s erect bellybutton) claims Michael was sniffing around at a pussy that wasn’t attached to Nicole. Eventually she found out and dramatically whipped her engagement ring at his face (I assume) and called the whole thing off. Of course, neither the reps for Michael nor Nicole have commented on why they split.

Damn, so much drama from what I thought was a bonafide member of the Boring Couples Club. First prenup drama, then cheater drama. What’s next? Another “source” coming forward to say that the real REAL reason they called off their engagement is because Michael was having a steamy affair with Kelly’s gigantic bellybutton. That homewrecking hussy! You can’t trust an outie bellybutton that large! It will make you lose your lunch and steal your man!

Presenting The “Too Hot For TV” Fifty Shades Of Grey Trailer

This morning, the first full-length trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey (aka the Walmart version of Secretary) was supposed to premiere on the Today show, but it was deemed “too hot for morning TV” and all the horny mommies were told that if they wanted to see the hot hardcore action, they’d have to disable the Net Nanny and watch it online. There must be a bunch of busted thermometers at NBC, because nothing about this trailer is “too hot” for the Today show. Kathie Lee Gifford has had on-air hot flashes that were hotter than this lukewarm trailer.

Literally the “hottest” scene was when Dakota Johnson appeared wearing a wool cardigan and I thought “Damn, if it’s warm enough in that office for every other bitch to go sleeveless, Dakota Johnson must be hot as fuck.” Other than that, I have a hard time remembering the rest of what happened in the trailer, because it was boooorrrinnng and I fell asleep. I actually had to throw on some Lana Del Rey to wake my ass up. The trailer is 2 and a half minutes long, and most of that time is dedicated to Beyoncé moaning “Crazy in Love” like a narcoleptic zombie and Jamie Dornan looking like he just woke up from a botched lobotomy.

Meanwhile, a million middle-aged pussies just exploded fire like an active volcano from all the XXX hotness.

And here’s the star of the hottest, raunchiest, nastiest mainstream porno of all time looking like Fifty Shades of Prairie Hipster with her boyfriend in New York City yesterday.

Pics: Splash

Paris Hilton Did An Interview, Because Apparently There Are Still People Who Care About Paris Hilton

*Image removed by request

I guess news in the UK is slower than the lazy eye of a slow-moving skank, because The Telegraph has published an interview they did with world-famous DJ and former clinic-famous human crotch rash Paris Hilton. The interview was conducted by Helena de Bertodando, aka the shady cunt who carried around a newspaper clipping for nine years so she could call out Emily Blunt to her face. Sadly, Helena never whips out a copy of 1 Night in Paris and asks her to take us back to the glory years of 2004. Instead she just lets Paris free-associate and spit out a rancid Heiress-scented Valtrex cloud of nonsense.

A deluded trick with only two barely-working brain cells had an awful lot to say, so it’s all after the cut. Continue reading