Commitment Is Ben Affleck Rewriting The Script For “Batman v Superman” While Dressed As Batman

If I’ve learned anything about Ben Affleck, it’s that when he does something, he goes all in. When Ben Affleck decided to cheat on his wife, he went full-Hollywood and did it with the nanny. When Ben Affleck decided to take his gambling game to the next level, he started counting cards and getting kicked out of casinos. And when it comes to fixing all the fuck-ups and plot holes in the script for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, he did it dressed as Batman.

A source tells UsWeekly that when Ben arrived to set, he’d head to wardrobe, slip into his Batman suit, grab a copy of the script, and start making changes. I know Ben Affleck is an Academy Award-winning screenwriter, but I wasn’t aware he was helping write that movie. According to the Internet, he wasn’t supposed to do anything more for Superhero Slap Fight than put on a costume and scowl into the camera. But reportedly Ben “wasn’t thrilled with it and would find himself on multiple occasions fixing it the day of.”

I don’t know how long Ben spent fixing the script, but I’ll be honest – it was clearly a waste of time. I must have watched the trailers for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice at least 600 times, and not ONCE did I see anyone serving up some sweet moves to Prince’s Batdance. How can you rewrite a movie about Batman and leave out the most important aspect of the franchise? But I’ll give credit where credit is due. Ben totally could have done those rewrites in the comfort of a Doritos-covered Snuggie like a real writer (uh…or so I’ve heard). Instead, he chose to marinate in rubber Batsuit sweat and risk heat stroke to his balls. And then when he was done shooting, he made like Bruce Wayne and headed to a club where he proceeded to work his rich single guy game on a bunch of blondes. Ben is truly committed to his craft.

Pic: Warner Brothers

ICYMI: The Trailer For “Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice”

My baby gay-self screamed “GOD YES!” when Wonder Woman popped up at the end of the trailer even though she just stands there while not being Lynda Carter. It’s the power of widow’s peak boots!

Ben Affleck went on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to show everyone the new trailer for “Batman v Superman,” which comes out in March. The trailer made the movie look like one long contest where they all try to out-constipate face each other. Mostly everyone looks all serious, strained, brooding and like their bowels are in major need of some damn relief. They finally get that relief and their backed-up shit loads form a giant mutated caca monster named Doomsday! Doomsday looks like Piece of Chet from Weird Science after he went on the Paleo diet and took a whole lot of roids.

Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman doesn’t show up until later in the trailer, so skip to the 2:36 mark if she’s the only thing you care about.

And Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor… Damn. I don’t think he got the note that the movie’s overall mood is “first few seconds of a Dulcolax commercial” and not “last few seconds of a NoDoz commercial.” Wrong over-the-counter drug, bitch. Dude is hyper wrapped in annoying. He’s like Nermal from Garfield as an evil villain. I don’t know if he’s playing Lex Luthor, The Riddler, Jar Jar Binks, Larry from Three Stooges or a combination of them all.

Also, I have a side question. Do you think that while impatiently waiting to shoot the big fight scene, Henry Cavill and Ben Affleck asked what the hold-up was and the production assistant said, “Waiting for Gadot.” Okay, okay, I’m leaving. I’m showing myself out!

Pics: Wenn.com

And Now For The Time Donald Trump Told A Kid: “I Am Batman”

Human elevator fart Donald Trump still thinks he’s going to be the next President of the United States, so he spent this weekend campaigning at the Iowa State Fair. You know, kissing babies and shit. Unfortunately, no babies were willing to make the ultimate sacrifice (ie. getting within kissing distance of Donald Trump’s nasty hair pile and risk getting scratched by the pale insanity goblin that lives inside). So instead, CNN says he offered free helicopter rides to kids.

While in the helicopter, a 9-year-old kid named William asked him: “Mr. Trump, are you Batman?“. Instead of answering “I can see how you might be confused, considering I look like a Dr. Moreau-style mistake involving a yellow-winged bat and an albino manatee, but no“, he answered: “I am Batman.”

Someone needs to tell Donald Trump that my truly shitty Photoshop job above is as close as he’ll ever come to being Batman. Hell, I’m pretty sure if he went to put on a Batman costume from Party City, the costume would hiss “NOPE” and spontaneously combust. Was there ever a Batman villain whose thing was relentless word vomit and looked like a dried apricot that fell under the fridge and landed in a pile of dust and hair? If so, then he’s maybe that. But I say “maybe“, because it honestly feels too mean to compare Donald Trump to anything, even a Batman villain.

Of course, that wasn’t the only fuckery that came out of Donald Trump’s mouth hole this weekend. He also took a swipe at Heidi Klum during an interview with The New York Times. While talking about whether he’d ever tone down the Donald during his campaign – like rating women on Twitter – he said:

“Sometimes I do go a little bit far. Heidi Klum. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.”

Well, of course he’d say that; if you were to stare directly at the gorgeous vision-altering all-natural visage of Melania Trump, your perception of beauty would be warped too.

Here’s Bruce Wayne at an event in Gotham City earlier today. Damn, Alfred is looking good.

Pics: Wenn.com

ICYMI: The Bootleg Trailer For Batman V Superman

The trailer for Zack Snyder’s Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice was supposed to make its debut to the public in select IMAX theaters on Monday. No, it’s not going to play in front of another movie. The trailer is going to play by itself in a special screening and fans have to RSVP to guarantee their asses a seat. I was going to throw a side-eye at the hos RSVPing for a damn trailer, but I am not the one to judge. If a proper Showgirls sequel was made and the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer for the teaser trailer was released only in theaters, I’d be typing out this post while waiting in line. But anyway, someone decided to screw with Warner Bros. yesterday by leaking a blurry, bootleg Portuguese version of the trailer. I’m sure most nerds were attached to an IV drip full of Gatorade last night from orgasming until they came dust while watching the trailer for the new Star Whores movie, so I’m not sure if any of them even bothered to touch themselves over their pants while watching the Batman V Superman trailer.

The trailer is about as light as a Catholic funeral and while our ears are hit with a bunch of pretentious voice overs, our eyes are hit with men staring at things. There’s a whole lot of staring going on. There’s Superman staring at stuff and Batman doing a spot-on impersonation of an Easter Island figure while staring at stuff. I have a feeling that the movie’s most riveting scene will be a staring contest between Batman and Superman. The trailer ends with Batman getting into some kinky, Fifty Shades of Rubber talk by saying, “Do you bleed? You will.”

UPDATE: The blurry, pirated one that was filmed on a potato was snatched away, but Warner Bros. released the trailer in HD.

And I really hope the second trailer gives us a long glimpse of this pivotal scene:

What’s the point of making a Batman V Superman movie if you’re not going to include the only superhero moment that any of us (read: me, just me) care about!

Pic: i09, Video: Vulture

This Is What Jason Momoa As Aquaman Looks Like

That sound you just heard was a thousand concerned mothers yelling down into the basement “Is everything alright honey?” at the exact same time in response to the loud nerdy groan they heard from their adult sons after seeing the first picture of Jason Momoa as Aquaman. And that groan could mean many things; that they’re pissed that Aquaman doesn’t look like this anymore, that Aquaman looks super kewl, or that they just came from staring into Jason Momoa’s “I will sex you” eyes. Personally, my nerd groan was for reasons #1 and #3; even though Aquaman doesn’t look a damn thing like Aquaman anymore, Jason Momoa is still fine as hell and can get it to the bottom of the sea and back.

Zack Snyder released the first picture of Jason Momoa as Aquaman from the upcoming film Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice last night on Twitter, and just like Wonder Woman before him, Aquaman appears to be some kind of post-apocalyptic HGH steampunk hobo armadillo made out of robot parts dug up by WALL·E. If Zack Snyder was going for King Triton’s puddle-dwelling meth-making half-brother, then I guess he nailed it?

I don’t know that much about Aquaman besides the fact that he’s the part-merman or something and can talk to the fishes, but Jason Momoa’s Aquaman looks like the type of dude who sits beside you on the bus, smelling like chum and talking to the invisible fishes in his head. And yet, still sexier than Ben Affleck as Batman.

Pic: Twitter

Jared Leto Might Play The Joker In An Upcoming Film

Say it with me now: BETHENNY FRANKEL WAS ROBBED!!!

According to The Wrap, the Dirtbag Hipster Jesus of Bushwick Jared Leto is being considered for the role of The Joker in David Ayer’s Suicide Squad, a film based on the comic of the same name about a bunch of convicted DC villains who get hired for high-risk black ops missions by the U.S. government. The Clean-Cut Hipster Jesus of Canada Ryan Gosling was originally rumored to be playing The Joker in Suicide Squad, but for some reason he dropped out.

Also being considered to join the cast are Tom Hardy, Will Smith, Margot Robbie, and hickey enthusiast Cara Delevingne (who may or may not play The Joker’s girlfriend Harley Quinn). Jessie Eisenberg, who was cast as Lex Luthor in the Ben Affleck Batman Meets Superman movie (or whatever it’s called) is expected to play Lex Luthor in Suicide Squad too.

I know that when Heath Ledger was first cast as The Joker in The Dark Knight, all the nerds were like “Him? The pretty boy from 10 Things I Hate About You?“. But then he went on to werk mama werk and turn that Joker shit OUT, so who knows if Jared Leto will do the same? Jared is a pretty boy (albeit a bit of a dirt sandwich), and I’m sure he can bring the crazy, but I’m worried about that face. Heath wasn’t afraid to go ugly, but Jared? Jared has a face that was made for makeup. You can shave off the Jesus, but you can’t deny those cheekbones! Trust me, Jared Leto as The Joker is going to look more like Jared Leto as Bianca Del Rio. Actually, that sounds amazing.