Who Showed Up To The Opening Of A Drugstore Last Night?

Pamela Anderson still holds the title for the most glamorous drugstore appearance of the decade, but Fergie, Caroline Manzo, Kurt Russell, Lamar Odom, Mark McGrath and Tim Gunn tried to top her last night. They all showed up to the red carpet grand opening the new “upscale” Walgreens on Sunset and Vine in Hollywood. Shit is “upscale,” because when you’re buying tampons and condoms, you can also pick up sushi, fancy cheeses and frozen yogurt with toppings. Call me a GOOP-like snob, but I don’t think I could full my mouth with raw fish from the same place that sells butt suppositories. (“Bitch, don’t act like you haven’t put worse things in your mouth like a sushi-flavored suppository or suppository-flavored sushi.” – you “You bring up a valid point.” – me)

It was only a little over 10 years ago when Fergie used to get chased out of Walgreens by a security guard for trying to steal shit for meth money and now she’s at the grand opening of one. She’s come a long way. Fergie’s face has also come a long way too. It used to be straight out of Faces of Meth and now it’s straight out of Faces of Botox.

And speaking of Faces of Meth, click here to see some that will scare you to Jesus.

The Look: Elle Fanning’s Prada Sandals On Roids

Dakota Fanning, Kellan Lutz, Dr. Blossom, Ashley Greene, Stephenie Meyer, Shar Jackson (??????), Nikki Reed and Taylor Lautner were all flattened to the carpet at The Twatlight Saga: Breaking Hymen – Part 2 premiere in Los Angeles last night after 2-year-old Elle Fanning stomped on all of them. Little Elle Fanning barely learned how to walk by herself like four days ago and she’s already mastered the art of stomping in fucked up sandals made of plastic bricks, pink ribbon and chrome leather. Elle Fanning is practically a child, so I can’t give her any hate for wearing orthopedic sandals for geishas. Millionaire movie star children don’t know any better, because everyone around them will lie to them and tell them they look good. They usually don’t have a grandma around who will grab them by the hair and refuse to let them leave the house looking like a damn fool. If they had a grandma like that, they’d fire her ass for talking back.

These ugly ass shoes have a serious identity crisis. They don’t know if they want to be platform flip-flops, a Jenga tower, Getas on growth hormones or moon shoes for My Little Ponies. The only thing they do know is that they want to be as ugly as possible. When Prada put this nasty shit on the runway, they paired them with rubber socks! It’s kind of funny that Prada paired these sandals with socks that can double as lady condoms, because there’s no way you’re getting laid if you wear that nasty shit on your feet. Wearing these sandals is foot abuse in more ways than one.

Now that Elle Fanning has brought them to the mainstream, I’m sure snotty rich kids will start wearing them everywhere. That’s not a bad thing, actually. Cackling after seeing a brat fall in ridiculous shoes IS my favorite pastime.

Presenting The Newly Elected President Of 80s Glamour

I don’t approve of the things that come out of Sarah Palin’s mouth, but I do approve of the frosted glamour she smeared on her mouth before her appearance on Fox News last night. The Governor of Alaska turned Dancing with the Stars seat filler went on Fox News last night to blab about blah blah blah blah, but I have a feeling she was really on there to show the people of America the kind of glamour we’re missing out on.

You won’t find a Bumpit at Walmart today, because they’re all in Sarah Palin’s hair. Those jars of Aziza rouge your mom kept under her bathroom sink in a shoe box are all gone, because Sarah Palin smeared ’em all over her cheeks. (Side note: Sarah Palin’s should’ve called her book Going Rouge instead.)

The next time you’re strolling through the beauty aisles of a Walgreens and sneer at tube of frosted bubblegum pink lipstick collecting dust in the Wet ‘N Wild section and wonder who in the hell would buy that mess, just remember this picture to get your answer. Sarah Palin has and will continue to buy that tube of frosted bubblegum pink lipstick and I am grateful for it. I can see glamour from my house!

If Sarah Palin insists on working the ho stroll over and over again, the least she can do is work it while looking like GOP Peg Bundy.

via HuffPo

This Is The Look: Martha Stewart’s Sequined Capri Leggings & Tablecloth Tunic

Leave it to Blake Lively’s wedding planner Martha Stewart to the show the overdressed hos at the New York City Ballet Gala last night that the only things you need to rule the red carpet are a pair of Al Reynolds’ favorite gardening capris, one of Angie Jolie’s muumuus, a pair of scissors and a strange broach/sash thing that can dress up any naked table if need be. Martha Stewart always comes prepared. If there’s a boring table at the event she’s at, she rips off that broach/sash decoration, throws it in the middle and BOOM: elegance is made. On anybody else, that broach/sash decoration would look like gold tinsel on a layer of bedazzled bunny poo on Mr. Hankey’s bloated corpse, but Martha makes it look like the most glamorous bowel movement ever. This is probably the same ensemble Martha wore to her goodbye party at the prison and she hand made the sequins out of gold foil chocolate wrappers and the top is a bed sheet she dyed with you don’t want to know.

Here’s more of Martha sweeping the tricks under the carpet with her impeccable style. I also threw in some pictures of some lesser thans: Sarah Jessica Parker with a glazed terra cotta pot, Anne Hathaway (looking like Peter Pan after falling into a bush in the Enchanted Forest), Barbara Walters, Anjelica Houston, Iman and Daphne Guinness modeling the same metal neck brace Tommy Girl strapped to Stepford Katie so she could never look down at him.

Looking Flawless At Lawless

Every ho, including this ho, is talking about Liberty Ross making her first red carpet appearance at the Lawless premiere in Hollywood last night, but everybody should be talking about how Shia LaDouche’s mother, Shayna LaBeouf, and her ultra glamorous guest tucked every young bitch in by showing up looking like this. When Shayna shows up to a party with her gold gladiator heels on, that’s every youngins’ cue to turn on the night light, pull the sheet up to their neck and go to bed, because she’s got this.

Just like Shayna’s guest’s hair, my body is sweeping to the side and is about to fall off its chair from being exposed to this kind of style. Shia might be a dirty douche bottle full of dick cheese, but he doesn’t tell lies. Shayna really is an ethereal angel.

I’m just surprised that the skin of Shia’s girlfriend Karolyn Pho hasn’t lightened three shades from always standing in Shayna’s glamorous shadow.

UPDATE: Right after I finish writing this update I’m going to punish myself by watching Kim Kardashian’s sex tape in its entirety, because the side swept silver beauty with Shayna is one of the 3 Golden Sisters. Not recognizing a HS goddess is the worst crime of all.

Let’s All Bask In The Divine Beauty Of Jackie Stallone

The most beautiful 90 year old in every universe Jackie Stallone is a world-renowned and highly skilled rumpologist, and something tells me that very recently she read the ass one of her customers and saw the future of her lips. And yes, that customer was a constipated baboon with inflamed anal glands.

At the Hollywood premiere of her son Sylvester Stallone’s new movie The Expendables 2, Jackie showed up looking like a flower in the Pete Burns garden that was fed gallons of illegal lip fillers and extra-sweetened hummingbird juice.

Jackie’s beautiful face looks like a tour through the Garden of Eden. That wig looks like a threatened beaver who’s getting ready to attack. Those exquisite brows look like the extra healthy, banana-shaped poops of a serpent. Those eyes look like baby spiders eating green apples (or like a tarantula doing the goatse). And finally, that mesmerizing bottom lip looks like an obese slug trying to give birth. When OctoMom’s gynecologist can look at your mouth lips and say, “That looks really familiar!“, then you’re doing plastic surgery RIGHT!

And right after your eyes fell on that gorgeous picture of Jackie, I’m sure you dropped your mouse and walked out of the room. So I’ll excuse Jackie’s beauty on her behalf.