Excuse His Beauty: Valentino Serves Up Barbecued Ham Hock Face Next To Anne Hathaway

Note to Tan Mom, George Hamilton and John Boehner: Pull your crispy bodies off of the broiling bed, get on your knees and worship your new leader who really knows how to look like the sun jacked off into his face.

In the highly entertaining documentary Valentino: The Last Emperor, there’s a scene where his partner Giancarlo Giammetti tells him to lay off the bronzer a little. Valentino obviously didn’t listen to that stupid advice, because at something called the Flower Power Pacha Party in Ibiza on Tuesday night, he showed up looking like an Oompa Loompa in black face. After that picture was taken, Anne Hathaway’s porcelain skin turned as red as a dog’s lipstick, because standing that close to Valentino without wearing a protective suit and mask will cause you to burn right up. You can see the ends of Anne’s hair slowly fry from being that close to the piping hot mahogany wonder.

Valentino looks like a suckling pig at a luau who rolled off of the platter without anybody noticing, knocked a guest out by hitting them over the head with an apple, stole their outfit, put it on and then walked right on out. Valentino does look like he’d taste delicious with a side of fries, coleslaw and beans. (No Hannibal here.)

Valentino should be careful, though. He has a bunch of adorable pugs. One of them may mistake him for a bully stick and chew on him. But other than that, keep on bringing the deep fried bronzer beauty, Valentino.

Here’s more pictures of Valentino and Giancarlo both looking like they regularly use Honest Company sunscreen. I also threw in pictures of Anne Hathaway doing the anti-Valentino by protecting her skin from those UV rays while hanging out on a yacht with her husband.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash, Johnny’s BBQ

Princess Charlene Of Monaco Showed Up To The Swedish Royal Wedding By Herself

Princess Madeleine of Sweden married American peasant Christopher O’Neill in a lavish (Note: Anybody who writes about a royal wedding is required to use the word “lavish” when describing said royal wedding or they will be sent to the guillotine.) wedding that brought out several royals of the world (not including Prince Hot Ginge, the Duchess of Alba and the Empress of Lucite Shauna Sand). There were so many tiaras and sashes that it looked like man night at the Scientology Centre (or like another one of Mimi’s vow renewal ceremonies at Disneyland). One of the royals who came out for the open bar was Princess Charlene of Monaco. She showed up without her captor/husband Prince Pierced Dick.

Prince Albert couldn’t make it because he was busy attending to official royal business like stuffing his mouth with call girl pussy. I don’t even think Princess Charlene forwarded him the Evite because his loud snoring would totally distract her while she’s trying to hump on her side piece in the same hotel suite. (Nothing dries a pussy up like a snoring Prince Albert.) So she went to Stockholm alone!

People says that Princess Madeleine wore a dress by H&M, catering was provided by the Ikea cafeteria, the wedding cake was made by The Swedish Chef from from The Muppet Show and an ABBA cover band performed at the reception. No, none of that is fact. The truth is she wore a dress by Valentino and guests sucked Swedish Fish off of Alexander Skarsgard’s naked body.

This Is The Look: Martha Stewart’s Sequined Capri Leggings & Tablecloth Tunic

Leave it to Blake Lively’s wedding planner Martha Stewart to the show the overdressed hos at the New York City Ballet Gala last night that the only things you need to rule the red carpet are a pair of Al Reynolds’ favorite gardening capris, one of Angie Jolie’s muumuus, a pair of scissors and a strange broach/sash thing that can dress up any naked table if need be. Martha Stewart always comes prepared. If there’s a boring table at the event she’s at, she rips off that broach/sash decoration, throws it in the middle and BOOM: elegance is made. On anybody else, that broach/sash decoration would look like gold tinsel on a layer of bedazzled bunny poo on Mr. Hankey’s bloated corpse, but Martha makes it look like the most glamorous bowel movement ever. This is probably the same ensemble Martha wore to her goodbye party at the prison and she hand made the sequins out of gold foil chocolate wrappers and the top is a bed sheet she dyed with you don’t want to know.

Here’s more of Martha sweeping the tricks under the carpet with her impeccable style. I also threw in some pictures of some lesser thans: Sarah Jessica Parker with a glazed terra cotta pot, Anne Hathaway (looking like Peter Pan after falling into a bush in the Enchanted Forest), Barbara Walters, Anjelica Houston, Iman and Daphne Guinness modeling the same metal neck brace Tommy Girl strapped to Stepford Katie so she could never look down at him.