Panty Creamer Of The Day: Mama June As Marilyn Monroe

On last night’s very special Halloween episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Mama June made Sugar Bear squirt out gallons of panty honey (or maybe, panty marannaise) when she dressed up like Marilyn the Hutt. The 7 year itch has been scratched. Where was a queefing subway vent when we really, really needed one?

via Too Fab 

We’re All Tamara Ecclestone

Well, we’re all Tamara Ecclestone without the zillions of dollars of daddy’s money, the $32 million London mansion, the lease agreement on a $125 million Holmby Hills mansion, the wonky nose job, the weave made from the manes of a dozen Arabian ponies, the zero sense of knowing what it’s like to actually earn a dollar for yourself and the anus covered with liquid platinum and canary diamonds (mine’s only covered with yellow-tinted Wite Out and plastic Barbie earrings). Okay, we’re all nothing like Tamara Ecclestone, but I’m sure this was most of us on New Year’s Eve. Replace the fancy bellman with the clerk at 7-Eleven and replace that fancy gold dress with a torn tank top and stained swim shorts, and that was me on New Year’s Eve! I’m pretty sure my mom was behind me making a “Did I actually give birth to a human whose drunk farts smell like that?!” face.

These pictures of the Nicky Hilton of Britain are from the early hours of 2013 (aka 2 days old), but in between yelling at the wild Hawaiian roosters for making rooster noises and making bitchfaces at the loud children at the pool in my mom’s timeshare, I missed them! So I’m bringing them to you way late, because I just can’t resist a picture of a drunk-eyed, messy ho who looks like a plastic Mufasa in bad Leona Lewis drag.

Anyway, I’m back from my Hawaiian vacation so I’d like raise a Bikini Blonde to Lahoma, Sweetas and J. Harvey for sprinkling the foolery on Dlisted while I was off getting a sunburn on my armpit (that happened somehow). And now that I’m back full-time expect 100% more eyebrow appreciation and 90% more grammatical errors. (Yes, I read your posts, J. Harvey. You’re the 10%!)

Miss Venezuela Was Robbed!

Yes, the Miss Universe pageant is racist toward other planets, but I still watched all 2 hours of it last night, because one of my favorite pastimes is getting drunk while watching beauty pageant queens trip. I counted two beauty queen trips, but surprisingly, that wasn’t the highlight of the night. That title goes to Miss Venezuela who killed the shit out of the Q&A part of the competition. Along with Miss USA (the boring winner), Miss Philippines, Miss Australia and Miss Brazil, Irene Sofia Esser Quintero made the top 5 and had to answer a question from one of the judges.

Miss Venezuela’s intergalactic Christmas dress should’ve gotten her extra points and the way she sensually grabbed a question out of the glass bowl should’ve made the other queens exit stage right. But Miss Venezuela really cinched the title as the queen of my heart when this happened:

Diego Boneta: If you could make a new law, what would it be and explain why.

(The Spanish translator translated the question to Miss Venezuela and then she tried to answer it herself in English.)

Miss Venezuela: I think that any lazar in constitution are all ready made I think that we should have a straight way to go in our similar or our lives for example I’m a SURFER and the best way I can take is the wave I wait for it…. So, please? Do our only law that we can do. THANK YOU, VEGAS!

Bitch speaks English better than I do and her answer was more coherent than any post on Dlisted.

Most of us would probably spit out a tossed salad of words if we were standing in 16-inch glitter-encrusted stilettos on live TV and Andy Cohen was staring us down with his good eye while an alien ant’s stomach moaned for food next to us. Not to mention that when Miss Venezuela stared into the audience, she probably saw a steaming orange turd (aka Donald Trump) sexing her up with his eyes. So she did ex-seh-len-tay, considering.

If I was the last gay dude in America, and therefore won Mr. Gay USA by default, and had to compete in the Mr. Gay Universe pageant in Venezuela, I’d end up in the hospital after trying to answer my question in Spanish. Because I’d sound so fucked up that they’d think I was having a seizure and Tourettes attack at the same time.

Here’s some pictures of the new Miss Universe and the judges from last night’s Miss Universe pageant in Las Vegas. I’m not even going to bother typing the names of the judges, because it’s not like you’ll recognize them anyway. Well, except for Giggy. He’s the only A-lister in that ZZ-list buffet.

Darwin The Ikea Monkey Is Living In An Animal Sanctuary Now

Anna Wintour has made the children’s faux shearling coat a staple of her winter wardrobe and every French couture designer will use it as an inspiration for their next collection and it’s all because Darwin the monkey wore one during his fame-making appearance at an Ikea in Toronto over the weekend. Darwin became an instant fashion icon when he escaped out of his owner’s car in an Ikea parking lot on Sunday. Ikea should’ve hired Darwin to be their official door greeter, but they didn’t. Animal Services took him instead. Some people were worried that Darwin would be sold to the Kardashians and fed to Khloe (Yes, she’s a cannibal. That’s how EVIL she is.), but Animal Services sent him to live at the Story Book Farm Primate Sanctuary instead.

The Globe and Mail says that Canadians aren’t allowed to own Darwin’s species, because they’ve been known to carry a type of herpes that is extremely dangerous to humans. Obviously, we don’t have that same law in the US (see: The Kardashians). After Animal Services checked Darwin out and declared him healthy, they sent his 7-month-old ass to the primate sanctuary. Darwin’s owner Yasmin Nakhuda isn’t happy about this and she’s afraid he’s going to freak out without her. Yasmin and Darwin did everything together including showering and she thinks he might gets the serious monkey sads if they stay apart. Yasmin went on to say this:

“How do we know what he needs unless he’s given the right to choose? I think he should be given the right to choose. If he chooses something else than me, that’s fine. For me, it has never been about me, it has always been about him. He is more than a handful: needs to be baby bottle fed night time and needs at least three diaper changes a day. He has to be with me all the time which means he goes with me to the office, sleeps with me, eats with me, showers with me, goes shopping with me.”

Yasmin dressed Darwin up in toddler clothes, locked him in her car while she went out shopping and I didn’t think she was completely crazy until she said that he showers with her. Monkeys have been known to bite off human faces when they get spooked, so she’s crazy for putting her bare crotch that close to a monkey’s face. One small move and RIP, there goes your sex life right into a monkey’s stomach. I don’t think anybody wants to have to write on their Grindr profile: “I can’t cum anymore since my monkey friend tore my fuck parts off, but send me a naked pic anyway!“

And here’s another reason why Darwin is probably in a better place. Yasmin made him wear overalls. OVERALLS!

Does she think he’s Justin Bieber or some shit?

This IS The Look: Anne Hathaway’s Dress At The London Premiere Of Les Misérables

Let’s take a moment to recognize the “Bitch, did the try hard evil spirit of Lea Michele temporarily possess your body?” side-eye that Anne Hathaway is throwing at Amanda Seyfried.

Anne Hathaway took a moment from going on and on about how she starved herself by only eating oatmeal jerky to play a singing, dying hooker and she put on a hot dress to pose at tonight’s London premiere of Les Misérables (aka the movie you’ll recommend seeing on Christmas Day, which will make one of your relatives scream, “I don’t want to read no movie with subtitles!”).

When Anne puts on a fancy dress for a premiere or whatever, she usually looks like she’s in the middle of devising a devious scheme to take down Supergirl or planning to crash Amanda’s wedding in Moldavia, and I can appreciate that. This dress looks like an extra fancy, pearl-encrusted maxi-pad with WINGS! I love how Anne has to lift her arms to show off those wings and it doesn’t seem like she feels stupid while doing so. Bitch is committed! I even love that it looks like she’s farting out a ruffle.

Here’s more of Anne Hathaway looking like an 80s comic book villainess while posing with Amanda Seyfried, Hugh JackMeOff, Russell Crowe and Samantha Barks.

John Travolta Miraculously Heals Man’s Injury With His Magic Hands

Usually, John Travolta’s the one who needs a healer to massage the pain away (example: “I’ve got an ailment in my anus. Can you knead it out?” – John Travolta), but he recently used his Scientology powers to magically heal a car crash victim’s broken ankle.

John tells the Scientology publication Celebrity Magazine (via Celebuzz) that when he was in Shanghai for some work stuff, he met a man who was suffering from ankle pain and he rebuked the OWWWs from the dude’s body using a technique called an “assist.” The name of a Scientology healing technique would have the word “ASS” in it. John said this craziness:

“I was in Shanghai recently at a work event and the Master of Ceremonies’ best friend had recently gotten into a car wreck. He had broken his ankle and was in constant pain. I asked him permission to do some Scientology assists and he said, ‘Okay sure’. People were standing around watching as I did them. You could actually see him confronting the pain and after a while he looked up at me and said ‘I feel better’ so I said ‘Okay end of assist.’ He had gotten noticeably better and I was chomping at the bit for more.”

Celebuzz says that according to the Scientology handbook, an assist is “a process whereby a Scientologist helps an individual to heal himself — or to be healed by another agency — by removing his or her reasons for precipitating and prolonging his condition and lessening their predisposition to further injure themselves or remain in an intolerable condition.“

What a fancy and technical explanation! Let me put it into words we can all understand. Basically, during this particular Scientology assist, John Travolta pressed his fingers and the tip of his tongue on specific pressure points on the man’s dick. In between pressing his tongue against pressure points on the man’s peen, John told him to channel that pain from his ankle up into his nutsack. As John continued to rub those pressure points, he told the man to release that pain out of his dick hole. John rubbed harder and faster while shouting, “Shoot that pain paint, good man! Let it out!” Then after the man released the pain, John said, “End of assist.”

And no, I didn’t just write Scientology gay porn starring John Travolta. I wrote about a medical procedure. Get your brain out of the gutter. But seriously, that man only said he felt better, because he wanted John Travolta to get away from him.

And every time you give a hand job, you need to stand back up and say, “End of assist.” That’s a good line!