Category: Jackie Stallone

The Wisdom Of Jackie Stallone

June 21, 2013 / Posted by:

“I feel as though I look like a chipmunk” is one of the first quotes in Jackie Stallone’s interview with the esteemed literary chronicle The Daily Mail and it’s just one of the many shiny jewels in the treasure trove of an article that is everything. If you haven’t already, read the entire thing, because it’ll make you want to quit your job or quit school and devote all your days to studying the Tao of Jackie Stallone. Carrot Top’s face icon is wise beyond her 91 years and she’s like that talking willow tree in Pocahontas if that talking willow tree used aqua-colored liquid eyeliner and injected her mug with non-FDA approved fillers.

Jackie Stallone isn’t only the most gorgeous 91-year-old on the planet, but she’s also the wisest. Here’s a few drops of Jackie’s silicone-covered drops of wisdom:

Jackie on if she still puts her face under a plastic surgeon’s syringe: “I do and actually I’ve got too much, I look like I’ve got a mouth full of nuts, it’s Juvederm, too much of it. I feel as though I look like a chipmunk. It plumps [you] up here (pointing at her cheeks) but it looks like you have a mouth full of walnuts.”

I think speak for every chipmunk when I say that they wish they were as gorgeous as her. If they were, they wouldn’t have to go looking for their own nuts to eat. People would just throw nuts at them all the time. I mean, don’t you want to put your walnuts in Jackie’s mouth?

Jackie on the secret to staying fresh and stunning at the age of 91: “I use a bag of spinach a day, every morning for breakfast I steam a bowl of it and boil an egg on it. That’s the secret to my longevity. Who do you know that looks as good at 91? I am healthy. Here I am with a husband half my age, he’s 60.’

I think by “bag of spinach” she means “barrel of swan embryos” and by “steam a bowl of it” she means “smear it all over her face while chanting Aphrodite’s name.

Jackie on how she doesn’t use Botox: “I’ve had chemical peels, I’ve had three of those and about 50 injections. No Botox, I don’t need that, what I want Botox wouldn’t help. I don’t have wrinkles in my forehead, I genetically don’t have that, that’s something I can be thankful for.”

No comment.

Jackie on how most hos who get plastic surgery in Beverly Hills look like they’ve been dick slapped in the face by Zeus: “I’m all for everything to make it (you) look good – anything and everything. But most of the plastic surgery in Beverly Hills is rotten. I have seen on TV and in person the biggest hacks. I will go to other states. Just because it’s Beverly Hills and they do the stars, but do you see what the stars look like? They look like they’ve been struck by lightning don’t they?”

Okay, I hate to call my icon Jackie Stallone a liar, but she obviously doesn’t go to other states when everybody knows that the best plastic surgery is done in Middle-earth.

Jackie on how Priscilla Presley and Kathy Crosby look like freaks: “You take Elvis Presley’s wife, doesn’t she look like she’s frozen in space and in time. Like a statue, frozen. Did you ever see Bing Crosby’s wife Kathy Crosby? They took too much out of her eyelids and she looks basically like she’s got two headlights there.”

With every word that falls out of Jackie’s mouth, I fall more and more in love with her.

Jackie goes on to say that Joan Rivers has had the best plastic surgery she’s ever seen (HAHAHAHHAHA) and that she loves shopping at the 99 Cent Store (insert your own “Does she get her Juvederm injections there too?” jokes here). And here’s my favorite quote from the entire interview:

“I don’t waste my time going to silly Hollywood parties. You have to be a role model for seniors. And actually I became a role model for the movie stars at 50, because what they dread more than anything is getting old and shot. But I get more popular as I get older. Hollywood fears age, but I think old is coming in. I think cougars are coming back. We’d all like to get there, get there like me. Not on a walker, not in a nursing home.”

Jackie Stallone is selling herself short again. She’s not a role model for seniors. She is a role model for EVERYONE. Any beauty who gets eyebrows tattooed on her face and wears aqua-colored liquid eyeliner in 2013 is my role model. I just wish that I could melt myself down into a filler so that a plastic surgeon could inject me into Jackie’s face and I could be that much closer to her brilliant mind.

Let’s All Bask In The Divine Beauty Of Jackie Stallone

August 16, 2012 / Posted by:

The most beautiful 90 year old in every universe Jackie Stallone is a world-renowned and highly skilled rumpologist, and something tells me that very recently she read the ass one of her customers and saw the future of her lips. And yes, that customer was a constipated baboon with inflamed anal glands.

At the Hollywood premiere of her son Sylvester Stallone’s new movie The Expendables 2, Jackie showed up looking like a flower in the Pete Burns garden that was fed gallons of illegal lip fillers and extra-sweetened hummingbird juice.

Jackie’s beautiful face looks like a tour through the Garden of Eden. That wig looks like a threatened beaver who’s getting ready to attack. Those exquisite brows look like the extra healthy, banana-shaped poops of a serpent. Those eyes look like baby spiders eating green apples (or like a tarantula doing the goatse). And finally, that mesmerizing bottom lip looks like an obese slug trying to give birth. When OctoMom’s gynecologist can look at your mouth lips and say, “That looks really familiar!“, then you’re doing plastic surgery RIGHT!

And right after your eyes fell on that gorgeous picture of Jackie, I’m sure you dropped your mouse and walked out of the room. So I’ll excuse Jackie’s beauty on her behalf.

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