A Check Is A Check: Heidi Montag Invites Entertainment Tonight To Film Her Most Recent Plastic Surgery

I didn’t think we’d still be writing about Heidi Montag in 2013 either, but here we are. According to HuffPo, the former reality star and come-to-life RealDoll has gone under the knife again, but this time to take her elementary school dodgeball chichis down from a size F to a size D. Heidi cites ‘health reasons’ for her trip to the ER, so I feel like it would be really shitty of me to make fun of someone who isn’t putting on the paper gown for funnies. So I won’t. What’s not off-limits, however, is the fact that she invited Brooke Anderson and Entertainment Tonight to film the whole thing. Doctor, you might want to check Heidi’s fame-hongray-ho levels; they seem to have risen again.

We r in the OR w/@HeidiMontag tn on @ETonlineAlert as she downsizes from F breasts to D for health reasons! pic.twitter.com/KcAP2D7pbr

— Brooke Anderson (@BrookeAnderson) October 31, 2013

Back in 2010, Heidi had to go hard in order to distinguish herself from the other bowls of cold oatmeal on The Hills. Lauren Conrad was writing books. Whitney Port was making clothes. Audrina Patridge was staring aggressively at the ceiling. After hooking up with that ghost-bearded asshole and failing to gain any footing as a parody artist (wait, this was for real? Oh fuck, that’s a bummer), she did what any of us would do; she spent all her money on multiple surgical augmentations that would render her completely unrecognizable and forever uncomfortable. That only kept us entertained for a month or so, and suddenly, like Keyser Söze, she vanished (but by that time we had the Kardashians, so we barely noticed she was gone).

Heidi clearly misses the attention; why else would you invite a camera crew to videotape the intimate moments between Plastic Surgeon and Patient’s silicone titty sacks? Oh, right. Money. When you blow 10-million on stuff n’ things, have to move back in with your parents, and working the night shift at TARGET gives you the dry heaves, then of course you would call up Entertainment Tonight and ask them: “Wanna watch me get new boobies? It’ll only cost ya $1000”. Look, I don’t know how much she’s getting paid by Entertainment Tonight, but you know it cannot be much more than $1000. Ugh. That’s what we call a sobering thought.

Oh brother. Stories like this should be taught as a college-level course to bright-eyed kids who dream of moving out to Hollywood. If you become famous (and you might, if you let the right famous brother pee on you) you need to remember that in the grand scheme of things, you ain’t shit. One day you might find yourself followed by 24 paparazzi trying to get a picture of you putting change in your meter on Melrose, but 3 months later you could be begging TMZ to appear at the ribbon-cutting ceremony you’re hosting at a Ross Dress for Less in Glendale (if you’re lucky. Don’t think you’ll be above a Del Taco grand opening in Arcadia).

(Pic via Wenn)

JLo Is Sorry For Performing For The Leader Of Turkmenistan

Above is a clip of JLo performing for Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, the leader of “one of the world’s most repressive countries,” at his extra fancy birthday party in Avaza, Turkmenistan last night. As expected, human rights groups and Mia Farrow are throwing shit at JLo for getting paid at least $1 million to perform for the dictator of a country with a shitty human rights record. Facebook, Twitter, most of the Internet and being openly gay is illegal in Turkmenistan and journalists have been psychically and mentally  tortured in the country’s prisons. The president of the Human Rights Foundation shook his head at JLo and asked if she’s going to perform in Syria next.

“Lopez obviously has the right to earn a living performing for the dictator of her choice and his circle of cronies, but her actions utterly destroy the carefully-crafted message she has cultivated with her prior involvement with Amnesty International’s programs in Mexico aimed at curbing violence against women,” said Human Rights Foundation (HRF) president Thor Halvorssen. “What is the next stop on her tour, Syria? The dictator of Kazakhstan’s birthday is July 6, maybe she will also pay him a visit?” Halvorssen asked.

Freedom House ranks the Berdymukhamedov dictatorship as one of the nine “worst of the worst”; Transparency international ranks it as a bottom-seven country in their Corruption Perception Index; Reporters Without Borders classifies him as a “predator of press freedom” and ranks Turkmenistan as the world’s third-worst place for journalists, between Syria, North Korea, and Eritrea; HRF considers it one of the world’s most totalitarian regimes. Berdymukhamedov was re-elected with 97% of the vote in 2012. The vote was so obviously fraudulent that the OSCE declined to even send observers.

Cut to JLo calling up the dictator of Kazakhstan to tell him that there’s too much heat on her right now and she can’t sing “Happy Birthday” at his birthday celebration next month, but can she keep the pile of blood stained money he gave her?

JLo’s spokeswhore played the dumb bitch role and said that JLo and nobody in her team knew about Turkmenistan’s human rights record. If they did know, she would’ve never performed there.

“Had there been knowledge of human rights issues any kind, Jennifer would not have attended.”

JLo’s spokeswhore didn’t say if she was planning to donate the money she made.

Ho, please. Like Casper Smart didn’t know something in the milk wasn’t clean when he Googled “best glory holes in Turkmenistan” and nothing came up? Are we really supposed to believe that none of JLo’s people know how to use Google? (Actually, I believe that). JLo would perform at Paula Deen’s slave-themed party if she was paid enough, so she obviously knew. And bitch knew that if she was called out on it, she’d pull some “Huh?! Wha? I thought Turkmenistan was Turkey’s full name! I had no idea!” shit. Well, I guess nothing will make you forget that you’re performing for an evil dictator like millions of dollars.

JLo Shook Her Ass For The Leader Of One Of The World’s Most Repressive Countries

JLo became Jenny from the Eastern Bloc tonight when she popped her pussy and lip-synched for Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov, the leader of Turkmenistan, at his 56th birthday celebration. Turkmenistan has been called one of the most repressed regimnes in the world by Human Rights Watch. I know, haven’t the people of Turkmenistan been through enough?!

AFP says that JLo and her dancers performed for Berdymukhamedov at a $2 billion Caspian Sea resort. JLo is apparently the first major Western star to perform in the country which is known for its “vast gas reserves and a dismal human rights record.” Reporters Without Borders considers Turkmenistan one of the 10 most censored countries in the world. Reporters are regularly thrown in jail and Internet use is seriously regulated by the government. Can you imagine not being able to access PornHub? That is a serious SERIOUS human rights violation.

Showbiz411 says that JLo was paid at least $1 million plus expenses. Ministers, ambassadors and CEOs all watched JLo shake her quadruple layer ass and move her lips to a track as shirtless dudes dancers around her. JLo put on a traditional Turkmen dress to sing “Happy Birthday” to the president. If JLo sang “Happy Birthday” live, then expect her to be jailed for life for trying to assassinate the president with her soul-killing natural singing voice.

JLo was in the cinematic human rights violation called Gigli, so this isn’t surprising. I just want to know who won when JLo screamed at President Birdyhandmeadove because her dressing room wasn’t painted the right shade of white and didn’t have at least 12 lit Jo Malone candles in it. If you see on CNN that the president of Turkmenistan threw himself into the Caspian Sea after tearing his own ears off, you now know why.

From The WHA? Files: Megan Fox And Michael Bay Are Reuniting For The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Movie (UPDATE)

On Michael Bay’s driveway sits his freshly washed Ferrari and on Michael Bay’s laptop lives a video file of Megan Fox washing his Ferrari AGAIN! Because Michael Bay announced on his website today that Megan Fox will star in a movie that he’s producing. In case the memory box in your brain deleted this highly important information (which is 100% possible), Megan was fired from the Transformers movies, called Michael Bay a regular Hitler and said that working with him was about as wonderful as butt fucking herself with a porcupine that likes to bite. Michael Bay pretty much returned that sentiment and the crew of Transformers had a few (or a thousand) words for her. But I guess they sucked and made up, because Michael Bay cast her in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and he announced the news like this:

TMNT: We Are Bringing Megan Fox Back Into The Family

The Family? So I guess that means Michael Bay is the father and you know he makes everybody call him daddy in a high-pitched voice.

Well, I guess the need to put Botox on the table will make you forget that you hate a douche. Get that check, Megan, I guess. Michael Bay didn’t say who Megan Fox is playing, but it’s kind of obvious that she’s going to be April O’Neill, which confirms that this movie is going to be a grade A mess and should only be watched while under the influence of some mind-altering shit.

The only thing that will save this mess of a movie is if they get Vanilla Ice to recreate this masterpiece:

UPDATE: She’s playing April O’Neill and that makes no sense. But hopefully they continue to make no sense and cast Courtney Stodden as Donatello.

Two. Dollars.

Much like the newspaper boy from Better Off Dead, Demi wants her $2.00. FOUR WEEKS, TWENTY PAPERS, THAT’S TWO DOLLARS, PLUS TIP. Even though her ass is by far richer and more plasticized than Ashton Kutcher, the hold up in Dummy Demi Moore filing for divorce according to TMZ is her need for some of Ashton’s cash. Okay, in our Ramen Noodle, store brand bread and Pabst Blue Ribbon worlds, Ashton is fabulously wealthy (yes, I just typed Ashton and fabulous in the same sentence, and yes, you should slap the shit out of me for that) but when you look at Demi’s net worth, you see that #getmoneybitch doesn’t really apply here. It’s like Donald Trump rolling the valet for his $75 in tips for the day. Bitter much?

Sources say that they can’t agree on the settlement, and she wants a fat one (don’t we all?) like the one she got when she divorced Bruce Willis. Even though she is loaded in more ways than one, she’s not just going to cut her losses and walk away like that!! In Ashton’s dreams. While he has Mila Kunis on the one side screaming “Get rid of that funky chicken dancing bitch or no more pussy popping for YOU!” he has Demi on the other side screaming…well, some unintelligible shit because she’s wasted on whippits and Red Bull. But the point of her screams is supposed to be DIDN’T ASK FOR A DIME….TWO! DOLLARS!!

It will be another six months until the divorce can be finalized, so we should be plenty sick of laughing at Demi’s toddler rompers and dance NOs that make Lenny Kravitz and the rest of us cringe by then. GIRL, or more to the point, WOMAN who hasn’t seen “girl” since the late 80’s, please. Collect the shards of your dignity, quit acting like a spoiled little bitch, and find someone at least a little handsome to try to make Ashton jealous. NO. Seriously, I’m tired of being secondarily embarrassed for you Demi. Just act like a normal jaded slut, slash his tires, and MOVE. THE. FUCK. ON.

OH, it’s not the $40K I gave you, it’s YOU NEED REHAB

So in totally not orchestrated to keep her non-working ass in the news news, Radar is reporting that the cat fight between Mother-Of-The-Year and her spawn (not Ali but what’s-her-crack) was not over $40K that Lindsay allegedly gave her mom to pay the coke dealer gave her mother to keep her home out of foreclosure then tried to take back, but over REHAB!! Grab a cup of bitch, please, stir in a couple of spoonfuls of stfd and stfu and join me in trying to internalize this. (NOT LIKE THAT!!! Gross).

So Linds, as the story goes, got into it with her mom in a trashy free for all brawl that I wish someone would upload on youtube, not because of money but because Linds at 4am, after clubbing, decided the time was right to bring up her mom’s need for weaning herself off the bad shit. I think I speak for everyone when I say HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!

Okay, first. When LiLo is checking your ass up, you have some major issues that are far beyond the free clinic’s repertoire. I don’t think they’ve created a rehab on this level of CODE 10 MAN DOWN WTMFF situation. Second, when you are throwing fists at your Mom/daughter on the front lawn and you don’t live in a trailer, you have lost at life. I don’t know who to feel sorry for here. Between Michael Lohan’s release of the recorded conversation to Dina “kidnapping” her daughter to Lindsay telling her mom that SHE needs rehab (she does, but I mean come on. It’s like a homeless man telling you to get a job), I guess I’ll just feel sorry for all of us who have to read about this mess.

What would Dr. Phil say??? At least Scallywagandvagabond says they kissed and made up later. Collecive Awwwwwwww…wtf.

(Thank you M.E.!)