Show Up to Melissa Lawrence’s House Uninvited And She’ll Sic Her Pit Bulls On You

Over the weekend, Melissa Lawrence’s 16-year-old daughter, Ny’asia Lawrence, was shot in the lower back at a cousin’s kindergarten graduation party in Providence, Rhode Island after she got into a fight with some teenagers who weren’t invited and refused to pay for food they ate. The teens left the party, but came back later and got revenge on Melissa by shooting Ny’asia. While Ny’asia was recovering at home, reporter Abbey Niezgoda of ABC 6 showed up to tell Melissa that her daughter’s shooter was arrested. Abbey obviously didn’t know that Melissa doesn’t like it when you show up at her door without calling first.

In the edited clip above, Melissa lets it be known to Abbey and the cameraman that she is in no mood to talk about anything. Melissa throws a rock at the cameraman and when Abbey and the cameraman still don’t get the hint, she comes out of the house with a baseball bat. Abbey claims they were starting to leave when Melissa sicced her dogs on them. Well, nothing ends an interview like a pit bull biting at your ass.

The New York Daily News says that Melissa was later arrested and charged with two counts of felony assault. She was released on $50,000 bail and has to go back to court in August for a hearing.

Three things:

1. Do I have to start wearing a bulletproof vest to kindergarten graduation parties? Actually, I already wear a bulletproof vest to children’s birthday parties, because you don’t know what those little brats are going to do when most of the candy explodes out of the piñata. They will take you out to get to a Tootsie roll.

2. Abbey and the cameraman should’ve known that something serious was coming when Melissa’s muffin top started to jiggle with rage. You know that scene in Jurassic Park when the water in the glass starts to shake? It’s like that. Abbey and the cameraman should’ve backed up, turned around and raaaaaaaan.

3. Call me wrong, but I broke my stomach while laughing at Abbey run from those dogs in her little wedges and business suit. Didn’t they teach Abbey in local news reporter school that when dogs come at you, drop your mic, kick off your wedges and climb up the nearest tree?

Two. Dollars.

Much like the newspaper boy from Better Off Dead, Demi wants her $2.00. FOUR WEEKS, TWENTY PAPERS, THAT’S TWO DOLLARS, PLUS TIP. Even though her ass is by far richer and more plasticized than Ashton Kutcher, the hold up in Dummy Demi Moore filing for divorce according to TMZ is her need for some of Ashton’s cash. Okay, in our Ramen Noodle, store brand bread and Pabst Blue Ribbon worlds, Ashton is fabulously wealthy (yes, I just typed Ashton and fabulous in the same sentence, and yes, you should slap the shit out of me for that) but when you look at Demi’s net worth, you see that #getmoneybitch doesn’t really apply here. It’s like Donald Trump rolling the valet for his $75 in tips for the day. Bitter much?

Sources say that they can’t agree on the settlement, and she wants a fat one (don’t we all?) like the one she got when she divorced Bruce Willis. Even though she is loaded in more ways than one, she’s not just going to cut her losses and walk away like that!! In Ashton’s dreams. While he has Mila Kunis on the one side screaming “Get rid of that funky chicken dancing bitch or no more pussy popping for YOU!” he has Demi on the other side screaming…well, some unintelligible shit because she’s wasted on whippits and Red Bull. But the point of her screams is supposed to be DIDN’T ASK FOR A DIME….TWO! DOLLARS!!

It will be another six months until the divorce can be finalized, so we should be plenty sick of laughing at Demi’s toddler rompers and dance NOs that make Lenny Kravitz and the rest of us cringe by then. GIRL, or more to the point, WOMAN who hasn’t seen “girl” since the late 80’s, please. Collect the shards of your dignity, quit acting like a spoiled little bitch, and find someone at least a little handsome to try to make Ashton jealous. NO. Seriously, I’m tired of being secondarily embarrassed for you Demi. Just act like a normal jaded slut, slash his tires, and MOVE. THE. FUCK. ON.

STOP EVERYTHING: The Taliban Is Going After Prince Hot Ginge

After burying her beloved Corgi Monty, this is the last thing The Queen needs today. It’s the last thing any of us need. Those stuntin’ minions from deep within the musty asshole of Hell are using Prince Hot Ginge’s name for some shameless publicity. A rep for the Taliban (yes, they have a rep and no, they don’t share one with the Kardashians…I think) announced today that now that they know PHG is stationed at Camp Bastion at Helmond, they’re coming for his crystallized ginger ass cheeks. Monday is already gross and now it’s gotten a lot grosser, because I’m actually copying + pasting a statement from the damn Taliban (via The Daily Beast):

“Prince Harry came to Afghanistan and he is a high value target for us. We will try to arrest him. Because he is an Apache helicopter pilot, he will target us more. If we are not able to arrest him we will target him.”

The Taliban also said that they think sending PHG to Afghanistan is just a propaganda stunt to take the attention away from his naked Las Vegas antics. Yes, they actually said that. Then they kiki’d about Kristen Stewart looking like a haggard skank at TIFF and flipped through Chanel’s lookbook to guess which dress Blake Lively wore to her wedding. Those bitches. If they ever get close to PHG, he’ll just drop his panties and that will make them drop their guns and pick up their iPhones to take pictures of his royal ginger scepter. And you know, they’ll sell those pictures to TMZ too.

Those bitches better watch out, because Prince Hot Ginge WILL gladly fuck all 72 of their virgins and then some.