Marie Osmond Explains Why She Will Not Leave Any Money To Her Children

Marie Osmond is talking some more about how she will not be leaving a single cent to her children after decades of being a showbiz and Nutrisystem icon. Add another celebrity to the list of Scrooges who will hoard wealth their entire life and then not even leave it to their own children! But don’t worry, it’s going to “charity.” Oh well, her kids won’t get any money from her, but at least they’ll inherit a fad diet–I mean–healthy eating habits.

Continue reading

CBS Is Reportedly Panicking Over “The View” Seriously Beating “The Talk” In Ratings

The Talk and The View may seem like similar shows: women from different backgrounds chatting about daily events and bullshit. But The View goes balls deep into politics while The Talk doesn’t and that could be why The View is absolutely thrashing its competition. Page Six says that CBS is in panic mode and insiders say the show is at risk of cancellation after The Talk‘s audience dropped to half that of The View. Speaking as a View viewer, hate-watching Meghan “My Father” McCain is one helluva drug.

Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By Marie Osmond Healing The World With Her Gorgeous Music

I would think that sick children would feel even sicker from the sight of Marie Osmond hopping around while looking like some kind of creature that was rejected from Captain EO for being too scary. But according to Marie Osmond’s video for Music Is Medicine, I am so mistaken.

The MTV Video Music Awards always get it wrong, so I’m sure Marie’s video won’t win Video of the Year. But Kanye West will earn back a little credibility if he crashes the stage, snatches the award out of the winner’s hand and says, “Imma let you finish, but Marie Osmond had one of the best videos of all-time!” He would not be lying either. Yes, the side effects for Music Is Medicine include night terrors, diarrhea, an intense craving for Molly and a sudden fear of accepting FedEx packages, but it’ll also take you up, up and away.

In the video, a girl at a children’s hospital opens up a FedEx package from a robot and out pops Marie Osmond looking like a deranged Thundercat who’s starring in a production of Starlight Express that is so low-budget they can’t afford skates. Marie and her chorus of dancers in recycled Kids Inc. costumes bust out moves in the lobby of the children’s hospital before they skip around and replace the sick kids’ medicines with Beats headphones (PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT!). I know that Marie is Mormon, but this mess looks like a Scientology propaganda video. A Scientology propaganda video done really fucking right, might I add!

And now I need some medicine, specifically a whole lot of Ambien and Xanax. I don’t have a prescription, but I’m sure the pharmacist at CVS will hand over their entire supply when I tell them I desperately need those meds because of this:

Well, they won’t hand over their entire supply. They’ll need some for themselves after seeing Marie Osmond looking scarier than one of her dolls.

Don’t You Just Hate It When A One Night Stand Pulls A Knife On You?

Seen above as the kosher meat in a caucasian-jewish-korean manwich, Eddie Kaye Thomas, better known as Shit-Break from the American Pie movies, had to call the police yesterday afternoon after his one night trick turned into a knife-wielding crazy bitch who was once step away from boiling his bunny rabbit. Didn’t Eddie Kaye Thomas learn anything from his own movies? Sometimes it’s better just to stay home and fuck an apple pie from Costco.

TMZ says that Eddie picked up a trick at Mel’s Diner of all places on Tuesday night and brought her back to his house in the Hollywood Hills. The next day, Eddie tried to get the trick out of his house and that’s when she pulled some “I’m not going to be ignored” shit. My guess is that Eddie told her she had to leave, because he was needed on set. Even crazy bitches know that Eddie hasn’t said that line truthfully since 2010.

When Eddie asked that insane trick to leave, she pulled a knife on him. Eddie ran outside and called the police. They sent the SWAT team and while they were outside of Eddie’s house, the crazy bitch was inside, trashing his house. The SWAT team had to tear gas the ho to get her out. She was booked for felony vandalism after she was checked out at a hospital.

Who in the hell brings a jump-off home anymore? (If you’ve got a one night trick cleaning out their genitals in your bathroom sink while you’re reading this, you should make a guilty face.) Yes, most of us have done it, but we still know that you’re not supposed to bring a one-time fuck partner to your house. That’s what the backseat of cars, alleyways, bar bathrooms and Porta Potties on construction sites are for. (Side note: Somebody should really make Porta Potties for one night stands. They can put ’em outside of all the bars. They can call ’em Porta Fuckies.)

If Eddie wanted to get that lunatic ho out fast, he should’ve just put on one of those direct-to-DVD American Pie movies. That will make even the craziest bitch scatter for the door.

With all that being said, you know Eddie’s going to call her back for a second round, because there ain’t no ass like crazy ass.

Two. Dollars.

Much like the newspaper boy from Better Off Dead, Demi wants her $2.00. FOUR WEEKS, TWENTY PAPERS, THAT’S TWO DOLLARS, PLUS TIP. Even though her ass is by far richer and more plasticized than Ashton Kutcher, the hold up in Dummy Demi Moore filing for divorce according to TMZ is her need for some of Ashton’s cash. Okay, in our Ramen Noodle, store brand bread and Pabst Blue Ribbon worlds, Ashton is fabulously wealthy (yes, I just typed Ashton and fabulous in the same sentence, and yes, you should slap the shit out of me for that) but when you look at Demi’s net worth, you see that #getmoneybitch doesn’t really apply here. It’s like Donald Trump rolling the valet for his $75 in tips for the day. Bitter much?

Sources say that they can’t agree on the settlement, and she wants a fat one (don’t we all?) like the one she got when she divorced Bruce Willis. Even though she is loaded in more ways than one, she’s not just going to cut her losses and walk away like that!! In Ashton’s dreams. While he has Mila Kunis on the one side screaming “Get rid of that funky chicken dancing bitch or no more pussy popping for YOU!” he has Demi on the other side screaming…well, some unintelligible shit because she’s wasted on whippits and Red Bull. But the point of her screams is supposed to be DIDN’T ASK FOR A DIME….TWO! DOLLARS!!

It will be another six months until the divorce can be finalized, so we should be plenty sick of laughing at Demi’s toddler rompers and dance NOs that make Lenny Kravitz and the rest of us cringe by then. GIRL, or more to the point, WOMAN who hasn’t seen “girl” since the late 80’s, please. Collect the shards of your dignity, quit acting like a spoiled little bitch, and find someone at least a little handsome to try to make Ashton jealous. NO. Seriously, I’m tired of being secondarily embarrassed for you Demi. Just act like a normal jaded slut, slash his tires, and MOVE. THE. FUCK. ON.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Part I

When you’re about to close your eyes to go to sleep tonight, just remember that somewhere on the outskirts of Las Vegas, Marie Osmond is up in her doll attic, softly singing a lullaby into the porcelain ears on of her dolls while surrounded by hundreds of doll babies wearing pajamas. I think I just typed out the plot for the next season of American Horror Story.

At the Flamingo Hilton in Las Vegas yesterday, Marie Osmond signed her dolls for her fans while a dude in the background made a “Why am I here face?” and a lady behind him made a “Lord, I just wanna look that dude’s bald spot” face. I have a look of terror on my face, because when I look at a picture of Marie with one of her dolls, it’s really hard for me to tell which one is made of porcelain and which one is made of plastic.

Maybe it’s because most of my friends are mega sluts with no standards, but a lot of them have their own story about hooking up with a doll lover. One of my friends hooked up with some dude whose bedroom was full of porcelain dolls, floor to ceiling, and wanted to do the deed in there with the lights dimmed. Being the fearless slut that my friend is, he did it. There’s nothing more terrifying and awkward and uncomfortable than doing butt sex while holding in the shit the creepy dolls are trying to scare out of you. I don’t know why he would do that. Dolls are already know everything! Why was he giving him more information? How can he walk around the street knowing that dozens of dolls have stared deep up into his no-no?

If human eyes are the windows to the soul, then doll eyes are the windows to hell. Except for the Alexis Carrington doll. She’s an angel sent from above.