The only reason the sun shines in Sochi is to make the sequins on Johnny Weir’s body sparkle. Loki’s half-brother who calls Pee-wee Herman his father continued to show us what Judy Garland would’ve dressed like if she was still alive today.
At the Olympics today, the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice showed up looking like a disco ball’s tampon. Samson & Delilah, Romeo & Juliet, Cynthia Nixon & Rojo Caliente, Kanye & Kanye, John Travolta’s Scientolohole & massage therapist dick and cookie spread & my mouth are just some of the soulmates in history that are meant to be together. You can add Johnny Weir & sequins to that list.
And this classic moment is obligatory:
An entire nation is crying, “NYEEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEEEEEeeeEEEEEt,” today after the blond-tipped Russian Adrien Brody announced that he is pulling himself out of the men’s figuring skating competition at the Sochi Olympics and retiring from competing. 31-year-old Evgeni Plushenko won’t hang another Olympic medal next to his 2 golds, 1 silver and 1 platinum. USA Today says that Plushy was one of the favorites going in, but he busted his already busted back during practice yesterday and decided now is a good time take his final bow on the Olympic ice. During today’s men’s competition, Plushy skated out when it was his turn and waved goodbye at everyone. The Sex Bomb has officially detonated. He later said this:
“Today in the morning, I can’t jump … but I said to myself, ‘Evgeni, you must skate. You must. You need two more days, the short and the long program.’ And I came on the warm-up and … I felt it, like knife in the back.
I think it’s God saying, ‘Evgeni, enough. Enough to skate. You did a lot of figure skating,'”
Well, that little tickle I get in my nipple plate area from watching Plushy skate around in a modern day Madge suit is God saying, “Ugh, you’re such an easy slut,” and it’s also God saying that Plushy should never stop skating around in muscle suit. So I hope Plushy hasn’t retired from pulling his modest Russian rose of a wife around the ice on a banquet hall chair while wearing a suit molded out of Chyna’s torso. I also hope this doesn’t drop his wife’s status from “top three in Russian woman” to “top four in Russian woman,” because I will never forgive him if that happened.
— Molson Canadian (@Molson_Canadian) February 9, 2014
Leave it to Canada (aka Ireland Jr) to haul a giant beer-filled vending machine to the Sochi Olympics. Canadians love beer so much, that thing probably got a first class seat on the plane ride over to Russia, and it would have marched in the Parade of Nations during the Opening Ceremonies, if it hadn’t gotten drunk, attacked a decorative tree, then passed out on the couch while watching Trailer Park Boys.
Time says that the fridge was installed by Molson Canadian in the Canadian Olympic House and works by inserting a Canadian passport, waiting for the age and citizenship to be verified, then dispensing a beer. No where in that description is payment mentioned, which means this machine could be dispensing free beers. Well, so long second-place medal standing; it was nice knowing you, but now that there’s an endless supply of free beer, Canadian athletes have better things to do than collect gold medals. Throw on “Summer of 69“, it’s time to get RIGHT FUCKIN’ RIPPED! I’m only half kidding; if Canadian athletes had access to an endless supply of beer, Bryan Adams, and a passport-operated Swiss Chalet dipping sauce machine, they’d never come home.
And I call bullshit on that beer fridge only working for Canadian passports; Canadians are too damn polite to create something so exclusive (they love to share – that’s why they keep giving Bieber back to the US). I bet if you inserted any old passport, a bleep-bloop sounding voice would say: “TECHNICALLY NOT PERMITTED. JUST THIS ONCE THOUGH. DON’T TELL ANYONE, BUD”. But it would never cut you off; you could keep coming back and inserting random scraps of cardboard (like the “flooring” from your hotel room. Sochi joke, nailed it) and it would say: “BEER FRIDGE STARTING TO THINK YOU’RE TAKING ADVANTAGE” then “THAT WAS RUDE. BEER FRIDGE SO SORRY. HERE, TAKE 10 BEERS AS APOLOGY.”
I haven’t really been watching the Olympics, because I’ve been filling my brain with much more important and nourishing things like the Rich Kids of Beverly Hills and House Hunters: Where Are They Now?, but every time I switch to NBC I see Bob Costas and his MAN DOWN CODE 10 eye up on there. Dude looks like he got eye fucked by Gerard Butler’s diseased peen. Every time I see Bob’s down-and-out eye I wonder why nobody has bedazzled a pirate patch in America’s patriotic colors and slapped it over that situation. That eye is screaming for a bedazzled eye patch. Just look at that screen shot. He’s practically saying, “arrrrrgh,” and a bedazzled pirate patch would really complete the look. But Bob isn’t doing that, he’s tapping out and handing the baton over to Matt Lauer instead. Bob said in a statement today that he’s tried to make it work, but every day his left eye’s impersonation of Parasite Hilton’s oozing puss keeps getting more and more spot-on, so he’s going to back away from the camera until it gets better.
“It was becoming increasingly noticeable and uncomfortable, but if it was just that, I would have continued. We in broadcasting are lucky to have the jobs we do, and at one time or another, we’ve all gone on the air feeling less than our best. The difference is that last night and into this morning, it got to the point where, as a practical matter, I simply couldn’t do my job because my eyes had become so blurry, watery and sensitive to light. If it was just discomfort, I’d be there. I’m receiving excellent treatment…it’s a viral infection, and all you can do is try to manage the symptoms while the virus runs its course. But I’m hopeful that those symptoms will improve in the next couple of days and I can return to the broadcast.”
Tonight will be the first time since 1988 that Bob hasn’t hosted the primetime coverage of the Olympics. Matt Lauer will step in until Bob’s eye gets better, which is crazy and doesn’t make sense since doctors and scientists have proven (no, they haven’t) that watching Matt Lauer over an extended period of time causes pink eye in more places than two. What NBC should’ve done is replace Bob with the only Olympics commentator who matters: The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice!
Johnny Weir proved this morning that he’s ready for the primetime spot by paying tribute to Bob’s pink eye:
I’d watch more of the Olympics at night if Johnny Weir took the primetime spot, because all of the comments that twirl out of his mouth are covered in frosted sequins and he dresses himself up like the rich great auntie I never had.
(Pic via @olyphil)
A few of you dropped this awkward nugget into our inboxes and the first thing Allison said to me after watching it was, “This is the gayest thing I’ve seen today.” Excuse you, Allison, but this is the straightest thing I’ve seen today. My b-hole didn’t pucker once and not one vein in my butt tingled while watching the Russian Police Choir perform “Get Lucky” before the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi today. All I see are a bunch of straight dudes (and probably some gay dudes trying hard to not “look gay“) awkwardly bounce around to get “Get Lucky” while their souls slowly get into the fetal position before completely dying. They look like they would rather be taking a communal shit in a Sochi bathroom while guzzling down gallons of dangerous Sochi hotel water.
Their cop uniforms aren’t even bedazzled and they aren’t serving up some piping hot moves that’ll make your nipples spit out rainbow-colored glitter. I don’t even think this was choreographed! If this truly was the “gayest thing ever,” those police officers would have to arrest themselves.
This looks like karaoke night at the Scientology men’s lounge. …..And with that sentence, I think I just proved Allison right. Damn her.
Vid via THR
A strange thing happened in Sochi today…. The singing gayelles-for-pay Russian pop duo t.A.T.u yodeled out one of their songs from 2001 while holding hands and Vladimir Putang didn’t immediately rip off his shirt, jump out of the stands, jump onto a horse and ride down there to turn them from faux lesbians into dick-loving heterosexual women with his potent straight masculinity.
t.A.T.u. performed during the pre-show of the Olympic Opening Ceremonies in Sochi tonight, because I guess the organizers couldn’t get my personal favorite Russian pop star and golden orchid Philip Kirkorov. Philip knows he’s too good and glamorous for that shit! After those fake Russian lesbians sang while dressed like Fat Bastard’s henchwomen, the Opening Ceremonies began with a womp womp when the fifth Russian snowflake got stage fright and didn’t assume the Goatse position.
Meanwhile, a pack of stray dogs are sitting in the electrical room cackling while holding the power cord connected to that shy snowflake.
Since I live in a far off land of the past, the Opening Ceremonies aren’t going to show here until tonight, so I’ve only been able to see clips and pictures here and there. But from what I’ve seen, I’m not totally impressed. Russia could’ve saved themselves hundreds of millions of dollars if they got rid of all of the theatrics and kept it simple. They would’ve avoided all possible technical difficulties and given hos a real show if they just put a mic in the middle of the stadium and let Sigourney Weaver (as Max Connors as Ulga Yevanova) entertain the world like only she can. This is what the Sochi Olympics Opening Ceremony should’ve looked like:
Даaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (That’s “yaaaasss” in Russian.)