Category: Is There A Gas Leak Where You Live?
Katy Perry “Collapsed” Due To A Potential Gas Leak On “American Idol”
Do you smell that? No, seriously, you guys. Do you smell it? It’s a clip from the next episode of American Idol, where there’s a dramatique gas leak! But what you’re smelling isn’t gas, it’s the Oscar, Emmy, and Tony that Katy Perry deserves for giving the performance of the decade with her dramatic fall that’s making every past Oscar winner hand over their award to her like, “I’m not worthy of this.‘
But yes, American Idol’s still a thing, and the eighteenth season premiered last Sunday, with returning judges Katy Perry, Luke Bryan, Lionel Richie, and forever-host Ryan Seacrest. In a preview clip for this week’s episode, Katy complains about smelling gas, and no it wasn’t from Ryan cutting one.
And Now For Shailene Woodley’s Super-Smart Thoughts On Feminism
Despite the fact that it only takes 2 seconds to open the Wikipedia page on Feminism and learn that it doesn’t mean “man-hater” or “penis-hater” or “militant vagina vigilante extremist”, there are still some dumb hos who refuse to take those two seconds to educate themselves, choosing instead to keep burping out whatever not-smart thoughts they have chilling out in their brains. Example: Shay-Lean Woodley (yes, it’s actually spelled Shailene, but when you have a Joe Dirt-sounding name that reminds me of the midnight cashier at the Circle-K who’s uniform is her “good” Kid Rock t-shirt, it feels like it should be spelled Shay-Lean).
Based on earlier comments she’d made to The Daily Beast about how important it is for her films to have a message of female empowerment, TIME asked Shailene if she considers herself a feminist, to which Shailene answered:
“No because I love men, and I think the idea of ‘raise women to power, take the men away from the power’ is never going to work out because you need balance. With myself, I’m very in touch with my masculine side. And I’m 50 percent feminine and 50 percent masculine, same as I think a lot of us are. And I think that is important to note. And also I think that if men went down and women rose to power, that wouldn’t work either. We have to have a fine balance.”
Jesus H. Christ, I feel like I’m on a goddamn merry-go-round here. Once again, feminism DOES NOT mean you don’t love men; feminism means you believe women are equal to men. Period. The End. Someone check to see if Shailene is awake and is writing all this down, because she’s going to need to remember it for the next time wants to explain Feminism as ‘raising women to power to take men away from the power’. And I know I just typed what she said word-for-word, but it still sounded like an incorrect translation.
Shailene also said that instead of being a feminist, she believes in “Sisterhood” (I know, grab the traveling pants) and that she’s excited to see The Other Woman, a movie she considers to be a great example of sisterhood. Wait, she actually wants to watch The Other Woman?? Forget about the feminism thing, I’m now more concerned that Shailene might have a brain tumor.
Miley Cyrus Thinks Her Bangerz Tour Is Educational For Kids, Y’all
Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and DeVry can either start hammering the FOR LEASE signs into the lawn or skip directly to torching the joint and collecting the insurance money, because their reign as cornerstones of higher learning are official OVER now that we have Miley Cyrus’s Bangerz tour. In an interview with Fuse News (via Time) Miley talks to her sister Brandi about how the ghost of Maria Montessori can go suck a twerk, because kids will be learning everything they need to know from her upcoming tour. Sorry, did I say tour? I meant to say nationwide Mensa meeting:
“Even though parents probably won’t think this, I think my show is educational for kids. [Kids are] going to be exposed to art most people don’t know about. People are taught to look at things so black and white, especially in small towns. I’m excited to take this tour to places where stuff like this wouldn’t get accepted, where kids wouldn’t learn about this different kind of art.”
No word on when PBS will purchase the broadcast rights to Bangerz, but as of this morning, Big Bird, Miss Frizzle, and the kids from ZOOM have been served with letters of termination.
As someone who grew up in the type of small town that considers Thomas Kinkade to be the highest of art, I appreciate what Miley is going for, but this isn’t 1953 and she’s not Elvis grinding the air and shocking the viewers of The Milton Berle Show. I’m pretty sure we started assigning iPhones to fetuses in the womb, so kids already know everything; I’m sure I could go up to a random 8-year-old on the street in Winfield, Kansas and ask them the colors of the 5 most recent too-tight skirts worn by Kim Kardashian and they’d be like “Duh – beige, beige, light beige, winter white, beige.” Thanks to the internet, humans between the ages of 2 and too-damn-old are already very familiar with Miley’s ‘OMG, like so crazy, y’all‘ theatrics, so paying $75 to watch Hannah Montana rub her chipmunk chocha all over the stages of Smalltown USA isn’t exactly going to blow any minds. And it definitely won’t plant the seeds for any future neuroscientists (except for that one curious kid who’s like “I wonder if that white scum on Miley’s tongue is the result of bacteria-tainted jizz or casual inbreeding. To the science lab!”)