Category: E.L. James
E.L. James’ “The Mister” Is Going To Be A Movie
E.L. James, the lady behind the Fifty Shades books, probably earns another $100K every time she writes the word “quivering,” and here I am doing it for peanuts. Big, bulging, quivering peanuts, but peanuts all the same. According to Celebrity Net Worth, E.L. ‘s quivered her way to a $150 million fortune. And that was in 2018 before the release of her latest best-seller, The Mister, which to my surprise is NOT about a sophisticated aristocrat who slums it during the summer months by running around various theme parks and with a squirt bottle and a raging boner. No, it’s about a sophisticated aristocrat who slums it during the summer months by running around with “his Albanian housekeeper, unaware that she is on the run from human traffickers” and a raging boner. And according to Variety, soon The Mister‘s protagonist Maxim Trevelyan’s quivering member will be coming to/in/on a movie theater near you.
E.L. James Is Back With A New Book Called “The Mister”
Are you ready to meet the roguish, rich, and charming Maxim Trevelyan? He’s got a pulsating mega-boner and it’s just waiting for you to pick it up… in the form of E.L. James’ upcoming novel called The Mister. Mister? I hardly know her! Guys, I wish I was making this shit up but I’m not. It’s 100% actually what the author of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy has been working on for a minimum of two weeks.
Sam Taylor-Johnson Has No Interest In Watching Any “Fifty Shades” Movie
It’s no coincidence that it looks like Sam Taylor-Johnson is getting ready to run far, far away from the Fifty Shades franchise; Sam called it quits after directing Fifty Shades of Grey. She didn’t give a reason for why she wouldn’t be working on the sequels, but she did wish whoever got the thankless job “nothing but success.” Sam is talking about it again, and she goes in this time.
Stephenie Meyer Is Never Finishing That “Twilight” Spinoff Book And “Fifty Shades Of Grey” Is To Blame
After the Twilight series made Stephenie Meyer a millionaire many times over, she tried to squeeze more coins out of that shit by writing a spin-off book titled Midnight Sun. The spinoff book re-tells the first Twilight book from Edward Cullen’s point of view instead of from the point of view of that dead-eyed Bella trick. Stephenie stopped writing Midnight Sun in 2008 when it was mysteriously leaked onto the Internet. She responded to the leak by releasing 12 unfinished chapters and said that she’ll finish the rest once everyone forgets about it. But now Midnight Sun will never rise (don’t worry, I hate myself for writing that too) and it’s all E.L. James’ fault!
Earlier this week, Stephenie Meyer farted up the news that she had re-written Twilight but gave Bella a peen and Edward a vampire vagina. She gender-swapped them. The Twihards rolled their eyes at that mess, because that’s not the Twilight book they’ve been waiting for. They want Midnight Sun for some reason. According to Stephenie, that’s never going to happen.
At New York Comic-Con, Stephenie told the room full of Twihards that after she finished the gender-swapped Twilight, she started working on Midnight Sun again. But the next day, she found out that she had been Single White Female’d once again by that copycat bitch E.L. James when it was announced that Grey was coming out. Grey is Fifty Shades of Shit as told from Christian Grey’s perspective. E.L. James’ snatched Stephenie’s idea and put it out first. via Entertainment Weekly
“Midnight Sun is kind of cursed,” she reportedly told the crowd. When 12 unfinished chapters of Midnight Sun leaked in 2008, Meyer said she was upset and put the project on hold. She said at the Comic-Con panel that she recently wrote a bit more from Edward’s perspective. “What do you think was the top story on Yahoo the next morning?” she asked the crowd. “Grey.”
“It was a literal flip the table moment for me,” Meyer reportedly said. The book is still on hold.
A literal table flip? I can imagine all sorts of bizarre things, but I can’t imagine Stephenie Meyer doing this:
“Plagiarist whoooor-ah!”
And there’s really only one way to settle this. They must fight to the death! Actually, no, that’s not a good idea. Because once they get into a room together, they made decide that their evil powers will strengthen if they join forces and that will lead to them shitting out a mash-up book called Fifty Shades of Twilight.
Pic: Splash
Hmmm.. I Wonder Who “Stole” A Copy Of The New “Fifty Shades Of Shit” Book?
E.L. James dribbled a re-telling of Fifty Shades of Grey from Christian Grey’s POV, because she is a literary wonder who cannot breath unless her swan quill is scribbling out words of poetry on parchment paper with burnt edges. (And because her publisher told her that if she released another Fifty Shades book, three more dump trucks full of cash will appear on her driveway since horny moms will eat up everything and anything she queefs up.) E.L. James newest masterpiece Grey is supposed to come out on June 18th, Christian Grey’s fake birthday. But well, now The Daily Mail says that a copy of it has magically gone missing and the Kent Police are investigating it. Penguin Random House, the publisher of that wreck, is afraid that it will be sold on the black market or leaked onto he internet. A rep for Penguin Random House had this to say:
“Grey will be published on June 18 – Christian Grey’s birthday – as planned. We can confirm that the Kent police are investigating the theft of a finished copy of EL James’s new book Grey. We will not be issuing any further statement.”
Fun fact: Stephenie Meyer partially wrote a re-telling of Twilight from Edward Cullen’s POV called Midnight Sun. In 2008, Stephenie stopped writing it and refused to release it after 12 chapters mysteriously ended up on the internet. And now this happens to the Christian Grey POV book. Stephenie Meyer better hide her man and her dog, because E.L. James is going full Single White Female with her impersonation of her.
On another note, is Grey just blank page after blank page, because the Christian Grey in the movie (yes, I finally watched it and let’s never talk about it again) was about as alive as a cracked butt plug. Also, if you really want to read another Fifty Shades book, you don’t have to actually read another Fifty Shades book. You just have to eat a lot of corn, take a messy dump, wipe your ass and then look at the toilet paper. Same thing! Strangely enough, you can also do that when you want to read Dlisted and are nowhere near a computer or phone.
Here’s Anastasia Steele (aka Dakota Johnson) looking like the mom in a Nicholas Sparks’ movie adaptation while meeting some hot silver piece at LAX last week.
Pics: Wenn.com, Random House
We Don’t Need Another Fifty Shades Of Grey Book, But We’re Getting One
As the rest of humanity screams “NO! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, MAKE IT STOP!!!!“, the Fifty Shades-obsessed horny mommy types are hauling ass to Home Depot to pick up a new waterproof tarp and a 100-pack of AA batteries in preparation for the second coming (ew, that sounded grosser than I intended).
Earlier today, professional Twilight fanfic writer E.L. James announced on Instagram (via UsWeekly) that she has written another Fifty Shades of Grey book. You know, for those of you who were dying for more mild descriptions of spanking and had $19.99 you felt like flushing down the toilet. As you have probably already gathered from the picture above, E.L.’s new book is called Grey and it’s the Fifty Shades story from Christian Grey’s perspective. Basically, instead of “Oh jeez“, you’ll get “And then I whipped out my throbbing manhood and made her jeez all night long.”
To add another layer of NO onto this already NO-coated story, E.L. James’ says Grey will be published on June 18th, in honor of Christian Grey’s birthday. Why do I get the feeling that E.L. James will be throwing a pretend birthday party on the 18th and putting the icing from that birthday cake somewhere other than in her mouth?
Because I value and treasure my last few working brain cells, I didn’t read any of the Fifty Shades books, but I might actually read Grey, because you know this shit is going to be a mess. E.L. James, a woman who could barely write from the perspective of a woman, writing from the perspective of a dude based on a Twilight vampire might be the best gift she’s ever given to the world. And that’s saying a lot, considering she’s already given us so much.
Pic: Instagram