Dear Universal, Please Let E.L. James Write The Script For “Fifty Shades Darker”

February 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Most of the Fifty Shades of Grey reviews I scanned over said that the movie was better than the caca puddle of a book, because the screenwriter Kelly Marcel scrubbed out most of the dialogue and replaced it with lines that didn’t totally make the audience want to scream out the safe word. The safe word being “refund.” E.L. James (born name: Erika Mitchell) probably didn’t like that her poetic dialogue was discarded like that, because she’s reportedly trying to convince Universal to let her write the script for the sequel by herself. This is the best news for all of us who really appreciate a train full of shit crashing into a train full of vomit.

Fifty Shades’ director Sam Taylor-Johnson admitted that she and E.L. James fought during filming, because E.L. wanted a lot of control of her characters. Because working with E.L. James is about as pleasant as getting whipped in the face with a bloody tampon, Sam Taylor-Johnson and Kelly Marcel probably won’t be back for the sequel. Variety says that E.L. James has told Universal that she wants to write the script for the second movie. The first movie has already made $300 million worldwide, so Universal would like to get the second shit show going, but it will be delayed if she writes the script. Universal is open to her writing the script and if she does, they’ll need a lot of time for rewrites since it will be her first time writing a screenplay. Production on Fifty Shades Darker (which is what Tan Mom screams at every tanning salon attendant) probably won’t start until early next year.

The Fifty Shades books were already huge hits by the time studios got into a bidding war to buy the movie rights, so E.L. James was able to negotiate a bunch of shit that authors usually don’t get. She gets casting approval and she got a producer credit on the first movie. So Universal can’t exactly tell her to suck on a ball gag and sit down.

James was very involved in all aspects of the “Fifty Shades” film, as she attended creative meetings to make sure that the film didn’t veer too far from her book. According to sources, James, who has no prior film experience, would at times hold up the creative process by offering input that wasn’t in line with the filmmakers’ vision. But given James’ contract with Universal, the director and other producers on the film couldn’t go around her.

If E.L. (which is short for Everloving Lunatic) had any sense in her, she’d realize that she’s really lucky and should let the movie professionals do what they do best. If they make her books better, the movies may make tons of money, which means her checking account will get fatter. But whatever, Universal needs to let her write the script. In fact, they should let her direct and star in it too. Let her do it all. They should fire Dakota Johnson and explain that Anastasia Steele somehow caught that Benjamin Button’s disease and aged physically about 30 years. That way E.L. James can play her. Now that is the Fifty Shades movie I want to see.

And here’s some riveting pictures of Jamie Dornan, newly single Dakota Johnson and Julianne Moore at the LAX yesterday.


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