Michael Jackson’s image will forever live on the pristine skin of Jodie Marsh – Holy Moly!

Diane Keaton better lock herself in the safe house until further notice – SOW

The bitch who got dumped on The Bachelor is trying the whole “engagement” thing again – Popeater

Johnny Depp and Marion Cotillard should switch hair – Socialite Life

Little Lord Ty Ty – The Bastardly

The hairless wonder in one of Tommy Girl’s party outfits again – I’m Not Obsessed

Eddie Van Halen got married – ICYDK

I think Usher should start by checking if Tameka has a real uterus or not – Celebitchy

Megan Fox as a brain-eating zombie. This is fitting since my brain eats away at itself whenever I read one of her quotes – Popoholic

Amy Wino is the unofficial island mother of St. Lucia and has become one with the locals including the stray dogs. The dogs are probably drawn to Wino because her crotch area always smells like rotten brisket in an empty tuna can.

Wino has been bringing back every dog she meets to her rented villa at the Cotton Bay complex, but management has put a stop to it and closed down her makeshift kennel. They are afraid that the flea-ridden beasts will infect the other guests. Yeah, sure, blame it on the poor mutts. It’s well know that Wino’s body has been the most popular vacation spot for fleas, ticks, scabies, etc…. You know her snatch shrub has more bed bugs on it than a mattress on the street. And the dogs get blamed!

A source told The Sun, “Management initially turned a blind eye to what Amy was doing. But she’s adopted about five or six dogs now. They’re all strays, without the proper vaccinations and they all have fleas. The management did not want the risk of any of the fleas infecting any of the other rooms. So they got a firm of fumigators in to blitz Amy’s quarters and told her not to bring any more animals on site.”

I guess that means Wino’s crackhive better cancel its travel plans then. And did they fumigate Wino as well? Homegirl kind of needs to be tarped like a house for a few weeks.

SJP and her pocket gay have released a picture of their adorable week-old twin pink Band-Aids! Why are SJP, Matthew and James Wilke all staring at the one of the left? Does she have a snot bubble in her nose or something? Do people always stare at babies like that? No wonder they always have their eyes closed, because hos are always in their damn business.

And if Matthew continues to hold his new daughter like that, she’s going to be a skilled yoga babeh by the time she’s 1. Homegirl is almost touching her toes with the top of her head. What is that pose called?

That’s why I don’t like holding BABIES!!! Holding babies is hard.

With the news of Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Billy Mays taking up prime real estate on the news and most websites, I kind of forgot that Jon & Kate existed. Although, on Sunday, I was walking down the street when I saw a raggedy rat chewing on a stale meatball. It reminded me of someone, but I just couldn’t put my finger on it then……

Jon & Kate are still ticking, but they want everyone to know that they won’t be whoring themselves out to the media anymore. Basically, they’re knocking on our doors, peeking in and screaming, “WE’RE STILL HEEEEEERE.” They issued this statement yesterday:

“During this very difficult time we will be working to focus solely on the needs of our family. This includes no longer commenting publicly or reacting to media stories and speculation. Our goal is to do the very best for our children and that will be done as privately as possible. We appreciate the understanding, support and well wishes from so many.”

Wait, they forgot to say, “Our goal is to do the very best for our children which is why we bought them CROOKED HOUSES. Yes, CROOKED HOUSES make children happy. CROOKED HOUSES make children behave. C-R-O-O-K-E-D H-O-U-S-E-S!”

Expect this shit to be a weekly thing with them. Next week they will issue another statement, “FYI: We still aren’t talking to the media. We mean it……unless one of you just happens to stop by to borrow some sugar or something.”

New from Katie Price: The Head Roll. Convenient for wiping away tears about your failed marriage AND wiping jizz from your chin during drunken escapades. – jazzfish_77

Runners-up:

Just when you thought professor Wang couldn’t look anymore ridiculous with the pocket protector and coke bottle lenses on his glasses, he throws an ass wipe hat on. – hobie59

Inventors testing out a machine designed to wipe the GOOP spewing out of Gwyneth Paltrow’s mouth. – beastie

Is it Year of the Charmin already? – Master Blaster

Thanks Ben

Jane Velez-Mitchell – Jane is a journalist of sorts who has her own show on HLN. Before that, she was an anchor for KCAL in L.A. and had a show called Celebrity Justice. Jane is also open about loving the vagina and she once said on air that she is a recovering boozer. More importantly, Jane is the owner of the most gorgeous 70s trailer trash lipstick lesbian mullet ever. Really, what is that? It’s kind of the femme version of Carol Brady’s butchie mullet (with a flip).

For Ana