She may have lost out on Mary Poppins, but if you start seeing Anne Hathaway strutting around in short shorts, a beehive hairdo, and a missing front tooth, you’ll know she has her eye on a new prize. Things must be getting a little tight in the Winehouse household because just days after the late Amy Winehouse’s dad, Mitch Winehouse, revealed he is pursuing a hologram concert of her that nobody asked for, there is now going to be a biopic of her life.
Holograms are best served on the back of elementary school trapper keepers and at CNN on election night – but nowhere else! Did “Whitney Houston”on The Voice teach us nothing?! Amy Winehouse may have passed away in 2011, but her father has tried to milk off her success ever since, which is why North Londoners have to face a statue that’s supposed to be Amy but really looks like Marge Simpson in a mini-dress on their way to work each day. Mitch Winehouse’s latest scheme is to embark “Amy” on a world tour by way of the same hologram technology used for late stars like Tupac and Roy Orbison. What could possibly go wrong?!
I’m sort of okay with it as long as they call it: The Girl With The BLAAAAAKE Tattoo.
The Amy Winehouse documentary Amy was a hit, so of course, studios are piggybacking off of its success to make that money. The Hollywood Reporter says that Kristen Sheridan, who directed August Rush, will write and direct an Amy Winehouse biopic. That’s everyone’s cue to step up to the mic, find the light and sing, “noooo nooo nooooo” in unison. Noomi Rapace from the original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movie is in talks to play Amy. A greedy silver bear and a scab in a fedora are in talks to play Mitch Winehouse and Blaaaake Fielder-Civil, respectively.
Mitch Winehouse pissed all over the Amy documentary, because it made it him look like a cold fame whore. Mitch is apparently working on his own documentary about his daughter, thankyouverymuch. The Hollywood Reporter also says that the makers of the Amy Winehouse biopic are already talking to him about getting the rights to use her music. Mitch handles Amy’s estate.
Amy Winehouse died only 4 years ago, so this is all kinds of too soon. There are other biopics that need to be made! Where is that Janis Joplin biopic that’s been “in the works” for centuries? Where is the Jackie Collins biopic starring Joan Collins (it’s never too soon for a Jackie Collins biopic starring Joan Collins)? Where is the Celia Cruz biopic?! Where is the biopic about the thrilling life of Ubu the dog? But seriously, what’s really strange is that a legit movie about Amy Winehouse is going to be made before a Lifetime movie. Lifetime is seriously disappointing me. Where is their no-budget, inaccurate and badly acted Amy Winehouse movie starring Lindsay Lohan? I shouldn’t give Lifetime any ideas, because they may start shooting an Amy Winehouse movie soon and by “shooting” I mean they’ll slap a black beehive wig on Lindsay Lohan’s head, tell her to talk in a British accent and follow her around with a camera for a night.
On Amy Winehouse’s death certificate, it says that her official cause of death is “death by misadventure,” which sort of makes it sound like she died in a water raft accident with The Rescuers. But it means that there were no illegal drugs found in her system and she wasn’t the victim of foul play. Amy Winehouse died of accidental alcohol poisoning….maybe. Over a year after her death, the coroner’s inquest into the death of Amy Winehouse will be reheard.
The Camden New Journal says the reason is because Suzanne Greenway, the assistant deputy coroner who ran the inquiry into Amy’s death, doesn’t really have the qualifications needed to fill the position and all of us could probably beat her in a game of Operation. Suzanne apparently only got the job, because she was slurping on the right peen. She’s married to Andrew Reid, a fellow coroner who gave her the position. They’ve both resigned.
Since Suzanne Greenway didn’t have the experience needed to officially declare a cause of death, London officials are launching a new inquest to make sure nothing was missed. Amy Winehouse’s family says that they have nothing to do with the new inquest. The new inquest will be heard on January 8, 2013.
Suzanne Greenway was totally wrong, obviously, and when the new inquest is finally heard, officials will correct Amy Winehouse’s death certificate and state that her official cause of death is: BLAAAAAAAAAKE!
Blake Fielder-Civil, the Sid to Amy Winehouse’s Nancy, is sitting on the stoop in front of death’s door today after a booze and bad shit binge put him in a coma. Sarah Aspin, Blake’s girlfriend and the mother of his 15-month-old son, tells The Sun (via NME) that she found him choking on his own vom in bed and she immediately called for an ambulance. Several of Blake’s internal organs failed and so doctors put him in a medically induced coma.
A source tells The Sun that after visiting with his probation officer, Blake met up with a friend and together they swallowed a lake full of the sweet nectar and it’s not known what kind drugs he did, but apparently he bought a packet of heroin and some morphine earlier in the day. Sarah says that Blake came stumbling through the door, slurred out a few words and immediately went to bed. At 6 the next morning, she found him having a MAN DOWN CODE 10 situation. Sarah went on to say:
“The doctors say they don’t know the prognosis. They said they put him in a coma to help him and due to infection. I’m praying he’ll survive, but I’m having to prepare myself that he may never wake up. I am devastated, just devastated, at what has happened. I just want to cry all the time — but I have to be strong for our son Jack.”
Amy’s dad, Mitch Winehouse, went on Twitter (yes, of course, he’s on Twitter) this morning and asked his daughter’s fans to say a little prayer for Blake.
If only Amy Winehouse was still here, she’d scream “BLAAAAAAAAAAY AAAAAAAAY AAAAAAAAAAAY AAAAAAAAKE” so loud that his eyes would snap open.
Mitch Winehouse said a while ago that the Coroner informed the family that his daughter Amy Winehouse did not have heroin, cocaine, meth or anything else found in Lindsay Lohan’s first-aid kit in her system at the time of her death. Mitch put on his crime solvin’ hat and said that he believes his daughter got a piggyback ride from the Grim Reaper to the heavens, because she started drinking alcohol after a long break from the bottle. Mitch can give himself the saddest pat on the back ever, because he’s right.
The coroner held a hearing this morning in London and explained that Amy had “416mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood.” 350mg of booze is considered lethal and 80mg is the legal limit for driving in the UK. The coroner was told by Amy’s family and doctors that she had quit drinking for two weeks straight and she started up again just a few days before her death. There were three empty bottles found in her bedroom. The coroner went on to say, “She had consumed sufficient alcohol at 416mg per decilitre (of blood) and the unintended consequence of such potentially fatal levels was her sudden and unexpected death.”
The coroner declared Amy Winehouse’s cause of death as “death by misadventure.” “Death by misadventure” sounds like equal parts sad and strangely whimsical. Like the last title of a The Rescuers movie. I’m probably going to breathe my last breath into my Prince Hot Ginge blow-up doll while surrounded by my cat’s children, but I still hope “death by misadventure” is written on my death certificate. RIP Amy. You lived by misadventure and died by misadventure.
UPDATE: I must have 350mg of booze in my system, because Mitch Winehouse actually said before that he believes Amy died of alcohol withdrawal. Mitch never said that he believes she died of drinking the sweet nectar after a break. So take back that sad pat, Mitch.