Whitney Houston postponed her show in Paris tonight due to an “upper respiratory infection” (throw in a crackingitis joke here), but now I know the real reason for why she didn’t feel like taking the stage. Whit woke up this morning, watched a few seconds of this Taiwanese boy killing “I Will Always Love You,” said “fuckit,” pulled her sleepin’ wig over her eyes and went back to bed!

Sleep it off, Whit, because this Asian Augustus Gloop with the bowl cut of all bowl cuts will gladly step in for you. All hail the new SuBo!

via Just Jared

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy have put their genitals back on the market and split up after 5 years together. Jenny decided to end things when she found out Jim was vaccinated as a child and so she couldn’t risk infecting herself by licking his pre-cum. It’s understandable. I’m with Jenny.

Jim and Jenny both announced the split on their Twatter accounts. Jim was up first:

Jenny and I have just ended our 5yr relationship. I’m grateful 4 the many blessings we’ve shared and I wish her the very best! S’okay! ?;^>

And then Jenny:

Im so grateful for the years Jim and I had together. I will stay committed to Jane (Ed note: Jane is Jim’s daughter) and will always keep Jim as a leading man in my heart.

You know, it’s nice that we’ve returned to the days where celebwhores can peacefully break up without help from a stash of secret mistress whores and/or a sex tape. Shit, I’ve jinxed it, haven’t I? Well, hopefully Jenny is the one with the secret whores, because we need more peen around these parts.

via People

UNHCR goodwill ambassador Angie Jo and Billy Goat Brad visited Bosnia yesterday in their continuing efforts to highlight the plight of over one hundred thousands people who haven’t been able to return to their homes even though the Bosnian war ended 15 years ago.

Angie Jo and Billy Goat played with a few kids in the village of Medjedja, and also hung out with these two sisters. While Babic Lena was happy to share a smile with Angie, her sister Lena could give a fuck! Lena is like, “….And?” True abuelita style.

One of the unicorns in RPattz’s hair farted again and he doesn’t appreciate it – Lainey Gossip

Brit Brit’s thirsty ass weave could use a few bites of ice cream – The Superficial

Sophie Monk has such elegant tastes in bikinis – Egotastic!

Well….at least Kiki Dunst washes her hands from time to time (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

FYI: Jakey G’s Prince of Persia muscles had nothing to do with him getting pricked in the nalgas – Towleroad

Annalynne McCord on the stroll – Hollywood Tuna

Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes play nice in public – Celebitchy

Madonna lays a brick in Malawi – Hollywood Rag

Alyssa Milano in jeans by Phoebe Price (I made that up) – Popoholic

The Alien Head & Pussy Fleas Tour – Just Jared

Spiders feel the same way about Jessica Simpson – Popsugar

This cat is better at standing than I am – OMG Blog

Meanwhile…..why the fuck is Whoopi Goldberg dressed like she’s going to give me free samples of chocolates? – I’m Not Obsessed

Humming puppies – Cityrag

Things are looking down in the love department for Ceiling Eyes – ICYDK

Kerry Katona isn’t mouth fucking Peter Andre, but she is mouth fucking a glass of wine – Holy Moly!

(Image via INFDaily.com)

Sandra Bullock has unzipped her lips for the first time since the Nazi bomb dropped to respond to the rumor that she made a dirty, filthy, kinky, raunchy sex tape with her husband Vanilla Gorilla. In a statement to People, Sandra said:

“There is no sex tape. There never has been one and there never will be one.”

Sandra didn’t say anything about the 12 fucks tapes Vanilla Gorilla allegedly made with his mistress whores. She only responded to the rumor about her supposed sex tape with VG.

So those of you sick asses out there who have been patiently awaiting a Nazi-themed sex tape featuring Miss Congeniality getting a Dirty Sanchez need to stop waiting. Actually….you can keep waiting…in the nearest therapist’s office.

And by “outdo” herself, I mean “outsuck” herself. On last night’s Dancing with the (make quote fingers) Stars, Kate Gosselin chose to stomp and stumble to “Paparazzi,” because she says she can’t leave her house without them swarming around her. If Mady Gosselin were here, she’d tell you that her mom can’t leave the house without speed-dialing the paparazzi 15-minutes beforehand.

As expected, Kate was so terrible last night that all you could do was laugh. Just like all you can do is laugh when your construction worker uncle who suffers from fecal incontinence tries to do the Macarena at a wedding. I mean, even Frankenstein’s monster has more grace than this. IT’S NOT ALIVE!!!!:

In totally related news, Jon Grosselin will file papers in court asking for primary custody of the child army, as well as spousal support from Kate. Jon will argue that Kate is hardly around to raise the kids since she’s off embarrassing herself again on national TV. Jon says that Dancing with the Stars is hurting his kids.

While I agree that Kate’s dancing causes damage to anybody with two semi-working eyeballs, Jon shouldn’t be in charge of raising a dehydrated turd let alone 8 living children. Obviously, Kate’s old possum head should raise the kids.