Are Stepford Katie’s nipples trying to get closer to Xenu or are her thetans just happy to see us? (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Winona Ryder cast in a movie called Cheaters. Unfortunately, Joey Greco is not one of her co-stars – Lainey Gossip

Adrianne Curry’s naked ass continues to take up space on Twitter – Egotastic!

Why doesn’t Roseanne have a morning talk show?! Her rants were made to go with my cup of Sanka and breakfast toke – The Superficial

“Holly Madison licking cream like it’s spooge” should be a Tumblr – Hollywood Tuna

Spirit Airlines is your pigeon head cousin who takes $5 out of your wallet when you ask them to hold your purse while you pee – Towleroad

Cheryl Tweedy was at the wrong side of a bleach spray – Popoholic

Kate Gosselin is a horrific walking nightmare, part infinity – Celebitchy

Please tell me my eyes are tricking my ass and that’s not a landing strip on Adrien Brody’s precious chin – Popsugar

Dear Tina Fey: Yeah, I did that and now I’m my full name is on a list somewhere – OMG Blog

Lindsay Lohan continues to find creative ways on how to look unsexy – ICYDK

How did Cityrag get a hold of our baby pictures? – Cityrag

Donald Trump Jr. should never do this again – SOW

And then Hugh Jackman said under his breath, “……with other men.” – I’m Not Obsessed

Dawn French & Lenny Henry are in a divorcing mood – Holy Moly!

BAI LING!!! That is all. – Hollywood Rag

(image via Fame)

Insanely insane Kirstie Alley tells Ladies’ Homes Journal how Scientology helped(?) her:

“Scientology helps you lose your insanities. One of the keys is to say, ‘You’re in charge of your life, buster. You’re responsible for any condition you’re in.’ I’ve been irresponsible many, many, many times and that has resulted in me being fat.”

via UsWeekly

This is the only time I’ve ever wished that I had the ability to get pregnant. Because if I could, I would play this video while I was going into labor. It’s Insane Clown Posse’s video for “Miracles.” Instead of teaching science in school, they should just show every student this video.

It’s like an orgy between every Apple screensaver, a P.M. Dawn video, Daddy Spears dressed like a clown, a Noah’s Ark Lego set, and Shifty from Crazy Town.

And THE LYRICS! If Galileo also wrote poetry…. Here’s a taste from Videogum:

Fucking rainbows after it rains
there’s enough miracles here to blow your brains
I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay
It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away

I see miracles all around me
Stop and look around, it’s all astounding
Water, fire, air and dirt
Fucking magnets, how do they work?
And I don’t wanna talk to a scientist
Y’all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed

It’s a fucking miracle that I didn’t melt into a puddle of Faygo after or during this video.

Marie Claire claims they gave their Photoshoppers and make-up artists the day off when shot Jessica Simpson for their SANS FARDS cover. This cover could also be called “Xtina’s Idea Of Hell.”

Jessica says she agreed to go make-up-less in order to promote her new initiative called “A Beautiful Me,” which encourages young girls to love themselves or some shit. Jessica added, “I don’t have anything to prove anymore. What other people think of me is not my business.”

I know most of you are throwing Jess a “Ho Please Stop” look sponsored by Maybelline, but I’m sure she’s telling the truth.

That’s not concealer on her skin. That’s a $5,000 tinted moisturizer made out of charbroiled placentas. That’s not lip gloss on her lips. Ken Paves’ butt blew an air kiss on her lips (his farts shimmer). And that’s not mascara on her lashes. Jess’ lashes are just permanently singed from that time Papa Joe flashed his nipples at her first thing in the morning.

Click here if you wish to see more of SANS FARDS Jess in Marie Claire.

Last week, InTouch’s cover story was a remake of Mommie Dearest starring St. Angie Jo as an evil monstress who recharges her cunt gene by laughing at her children’s cries. This week, InTouch’s cover story is remaking Romeo & Juliet with Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt as the star-crossed lovers who want to be together but can’t because Maddox forbids it (you should always listen to Maddox).

The same bodyguard/fanfiction writer who painted Angie as a cold-hearted cuntress is also saying that Jennifer and Brad secretly meet up when St. Angie’s private investigator (aka God) is not watching.

If you’re feeling the need to punch a bunny this morning, channel your inner Brangeloonie (it helps if you put on mom jeans from Walmart and a Tomb Raider sweatshirt with suspicions stains on it) while reading this mess. From InTouch:

In an exclusive interview, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s former bodyguard reveals that since Brad and his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston reconnected at the 2009 Academy Awards, they have hooked up four times — three times in LA and once in New York — and even recently shared a passionate kiss. “I know that he still loves her,” the ex-bodyguard Bill, who for security reasons chooses only to be identified by his first name, tells In Touch.

In fact, there was one date that Bill says brought them closer than ever — and since then, their relationship has heated up even more. Brad and Jen arranged a secret meeting at the trails off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills on December 9, Bill says.

At 3:30p.m., Jen pulled up to the location in her Bentley, and Brad arrived on his motorcycle. After Brad climbed into Jen’s passenger seat, “They were very cozy, clearly embracing,” Bill reveals for the first time. “Several times, Brad and Jen were hugging and kissing.” After talking and nuzzling for about 30 to 40 minutes, Bill, who was on “paparazzi watch,” advised the pair that they should leave, as photographers were spotted just a few miles away. “Jennifer left first, flashing Brad a quick peace sign and a smile,” says Bill. “Brad jogged back to his motorcycle, drove off and went for an hour bike ride.”

Then Jen woke up when Gerard Buttlered her culo again.

Let’s just say there’s a sprinkle of truth to this, why would Jen fuck around with Brad now?! That bitch had Brad when he was at the height of his hotness. Just keep that taste on your tongue and move on. If Jen really wants to know what it feels like to be chin tickled by a goat, she should go to a damn petting zoo instead.

Gary Dourdan’s girlfriend Maria Asis del Alamo was arrested last month on suspicion of domestic abuse after she allegedly scratched at him during a fight. Well, TMZ says that prosecutors have dismissed the case, because they believe the scratch on Gary’s neck was not created out of rage….but out of nut busting ecstasy instead. Gary and Maria both told police that they weren’t fighting the night she got arrested, they were actually getting their orgasm on.

Apparently, one of the neighbors mistook their jizz-churning fuck moans as violent screams. When the cops arrived, Gary tried to explain the sexuation to them, but they arrested Maria anyway after peeping at the scratch on his neck.

Um. Who doesn’t know the difference between sex sounds and fight sounds? Gary and Maria must be throw around some nasty violent talk in bed. Maria was probably screaming shit like, “Call the ambulance, because I’m going to break your bone!” and “Say goodbye to your huevos, because my pussy is going to beat them off your body!” And Gary said shit like, “Draw a chalk outline of your vagina on the floor, because I’m going to murder it tonight! Cooch Scene Investigation!” Freaky ass freak bitches!