False Alarm, Martin Lawrence Is Still A Thing

Remember when both E! and People said that Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence were done bumping fuck parts and she no longer has to gently pat his clammy bare back as he has a post-sex cry on top of her? Then remember the stories about how Goopy Paltrow is the one that killed Martin Lawrence? Well, either People and E! were wrong and Martin Lawrence never stopped boning or they stopped for a second and started up again. You better hope it’s the latter, because if it turns out the publicist-fed People lied to us, we won’t be able to trust anyone everyone again. If you can’t trust People, E! and the tabloids, who can you really trust?

People is saying today that Chris Martin and JLaw are still licking on each other’s genitals. People’s source (who just so happens to be the tia of a drug dealer who sold an 8-ball to a bikini waxer whose hairstylist’s brother-in-law once went out on a Tindr date with a waitress who served a Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity breakfast to a girl whose credit card had the name “Jenifer Laurence” on it) says that they’re still seeing each other.

“They’re very much together. He’s very much into her and they’re still seeing each other.”

Some other source said that JLaw doesn’t give ten queefs what Goopy thinks about her relationship with Chris. That source also says that Chris is living in Malibu right now, so JLaw has to drive a total of 90 minutes to see him. Because of L.A. traffic, that means that JLaw lives about 10 blocks away.

Will People figure it out and get back to Jennifer Lawrence’s memaw, because she needs to know if they’re together or not. If they are, she needs to put a barf bucket on every place setting at her Christmas dinner table. Memaw’s guests will need something to heave into when JLaw practically orgasms after Chris lets out a ham and Frito pie-induced fart.