Color Me A Goop Shade Of Shocked: Gwyneth Paltrow Still Controls Everything Chris Martin Does

File this under: “DUH! Of course that hay-haired control freak does!“. Even though human water cracker Gwyneth Paltrow and come-to-life cashmere scarf Chris Martin have been separated for what feels like years now and he’s moved on to shedding a single tear while slow-humping on Katniss Everdeen and she’s moved on to rubbing her bland parts on the Jonathan Cheban-looking dude who created Glee, Grazia UK (via The Daily Mail) says that Gwyneth still has Chris on a tight $900 imported leather leash.

A source (the lead singer of The Nappies) says that Goopy is happy that Chris has found someone to poke with his melancholy penis, but she doesn’t want him to forget about his co-parenting priorities, so she’s drawn up a schedule to make sure Chris spends enough time at Castle Goopskull with her and the gooplets. But how does Chris Martin feel about it? The source says you can call him “Natalie Imbruglia”, because he’s TORN:

They say Chris is ‘torn’ that Gwyneth has this much power over him, even though she was the one who ended their marriage. “Gwyneth still has a lot of control over him, which isn’t exactly desirable to prospective girlfriends,” the source tells the magazine. “The way things are are the moment, no sane person would want to be an accessory to their conscious uncoupling.”

I have no idea what Chris Martin’s Goop-approved schedule is actually like – it could just be like “Saturday, 10:30 – go organic meyer lemon picking with gooplets“. But since everything Gwyneth writes is a hand-dyed linen bag of bullshit, that schedule is most likely the worst. I bet even the gooplets look at it and roll their eyes. “Jesus Christ, mom…2:30-4:45 – watch Gwyneth work out to Tracy Anderson’s Awkward White Girl Hip-Hop Dance DVD? Again?“