Here’s three things that the person in the picture is not:

1. One of those Hills Have Eyes creatures after getting plastic surgery and making it big as a Macy’s newspaper insert model.

2. Brittany Murphy after losing her brows in a trailer park meth explosion.

3. Chloe Sevigny, who strangely enough looks like Brittany Murphy after losing her brows in a trailer park meth explosion.

It’s none of those. The answer is RITA ORA! You’re probably still saying “Who?” to yourself.

The Great Value Twist-Up to RiRi’s 7-Up tried to go HIGH FASHUN in Clash Magazine (via ONTD) by taking a Magic Eraser to her brows It feels like for centuries fashion hos and hos who think they are high fashion (see: Rita Whora) have been assaulting eyebrows. LEAVE EYEBROWS ALOOOOOOONE! What did eyebrows really do to them, except provide their eyes with a beautiful, decorative hairy valance? Eyebrows are important. I’m about to stage a One Million Eyebrow March to protest against the hate for brows. But sadly, hos are going to keep trying to make the no-brow look happen, just like they keep on trying to make Rita Ora happen.

Pics: Clash

And yes, I’ll wait here as you take a Windex wipe to your monitor since that post title is dripping with extra chunky sarcasm.

Every hot, skinny blonde bikini model can let out a giant queen of relief, because after Leonardo DiCatchACho’s cheesy peen reportedly spent time in RiRi’s vagine (yes, they both denied it, but let me believe), it has gone back to boning hot, skinny blonde bikini models. Page Six says that the Craigslist Orson Welles impersonator was creeping on Sports Illustrated model Kelly Rohrbach at 1Oak in L.A. the other night. I guess having to get her coochie flea-dipped and picking Leo’s beard mites off of her crotch didn’t keep Kelly away, because they hung out at a different club a few nights later.

Kelly was this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition “Rookie of the Year,” which is the same title Leo’s longtime piece Bar Refaeli (Side note: Yes, they dated on and off for only 6 years, but in Leo years that’s 5,689 years.) won in 2007.

We all have a type. Leo’s type is hot, skinny blonde bikini models who will hump on him to get their names in Page Six and my type is absolutely almost anything at this point. The Yoplait cup next to me is starting to look sexy. I’m that hard up. It’s times like these when Leonardo DiCatchAHo is probably so happy to be Leonardo DiCatchAHo, because if he wasn’t a multi-millionaire movie star he probably wouldn’t be wet humping on a Sports Illustrated model. He’d be using his beard grease as a lube to fap to a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition in his parents’ rec room.

Pics: SI

Must…not…make…a…”You Give Love A Bad Name“…joke. The NY Daily News says that former Bon Jovi guitarist and current candidate for anger management classes Richie Sambora is in trouble for allegedly threatening to kill his ex-girlfriend and former business partner Nikki Lund. According to a police report filed by Nikki Lund on April 1st, it all went down last month during a phone call made the day after the launch of their joint clothing line, Nikki Rich. Rather than calling to congratulate her, Nikki claims Richie threatened to “dig a hole in the desert and bury” her. The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Office says they’re investigating this mess.

However, TMZ says that a rep for Richie Sambora is side-eying Nikki Lund’s claims, because they say that shit never happened. Richie admits that he did talk to Nikki on the phone, and that the only thing he was threatening to kill was their clothing line. Richie’s rep claims that Nikki was the one attacking him on the phone that day because she was pissed that he was pulling out of their clothing business and taking his money with him. Apparently he’d lost $4 million on Nikki Rich and he didn’t want to lose anymore.

Richie’s rep also claims he offered to pay all Nikki Rich employees 3 months severance pay. He also thinks that Nikki filed a police report full of lies because she’s bitter over Richie yanking all the financial backing.

Damn, all this drama over some Topshop-looking shirts and skirts? The next time Richie Sambora gets angry enough to allegedly threaten to dig a hole in the desert and put someone in it, he should sit his ass down and listen to “Bed Of Roses” from start to finish. Nothing will calm a high-strung trick’s nerves better than hearing Jon Bon Jovi busting out a sexy power ballad.

Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris TRIED it, but Brit Brit and Justin Timberlake still hold the title as the couple who gave us the greatest matching moment in history. The runners-up of that title are Ruby and Victor from my junior high school. Ruby and Victor were voted “Best Couple” (yes, we had that) and every Friday they’d both wear baggy stone washed jeans and an oversized Hanes white t-shirt with the words “Mi Amor” airbrushed on the back. I’d like to think that Ruby’s wedding dress was made out of those t-shirts. That’s how exquisite they were.

A week after Taylor and Calvin touched mouths at Kenny Chesney’s show, the two blonde giraffes left the HAIM show at the Troubadour in L.A. hand-in-hand which means they’re totally getting “intimate” and since we’re talking about Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms, that means they’re at the point in their relationship where she’s letting him play with her Easy Bake Oven. That’s not a euphemism. The paps say that Tay Tay and Cal Cal left the Troubadour through the backdoor (that’s not a euphemism either). They used the backdoor because they are an oh-so-private couple and are not the kind of STUNT QUEEN attention whores who use the front door. I’m sure minutes before these pictures were taken, Taylor’s publicist stood by the backdoor and whistled for the paps to come around.

And here’s more of Tay Tay and Cal Cal looking like Danny and Sandy in the final scene of Grease if Danny and Sandy exclusively shopped at J. Crew and BCBG.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

In honor of the 5 year anniversary of her Let’s Move! campaign (not to be confused with the Bitch You Need To Move More guilt trip my doctor gives me after seeing how light headed I get during the lung capacity test part of my yearly physical), Michelle Obama made an appearance on The Tonight Show last night to perform Part 2 of the Evolution of Mom Dancing with Jimmy Fallon. Once again, Jimmy Fallon slipped into some bitchy PTA mom drag, but it looks like he forgot to tuck. Or maybe that’s just part of the drag? It’s not a penis, it’s a bundle of Meadowcrest Elementary pencils she swiped from the staff room when no one was looking.

I’m not a mom type, but I can totally relate to the “One Move Behind In Zumba Class”. I signed up for a Zumba class once because – I have no idea why, I think I was drunk at the time – and that shit was HARD. It’s like Dance Dance Revolution on crack. I think I spent most of the class trying to grape vine to the exit door. Yes, it took me the whole class. Grape vines are confusing!

And I know this is supposed to be a joke, but I will definitely be busting out at least 4 or 5 of these moves after I get Good Friday drunk on wine. It’s what Jesus would have wanted.

Despite the fact that practically every day since Amber Rose called it quits on her husband of one year Wiz Khalifa has been a dramatic social media shouting match MESS, it looks like Amber Rose still dreams of being Mrs. Cheez Whiz. I know, cue up all your Michael Bluth “Him?“s. Yesterday, Amber professed her undying love to Wiz on Instagram (of course) by posting a picture of the two of them tongue humping each other with the following admission that she’s clearly next-level dickmatized:

“My #ManCrushEveryday you know what it is…. We went wrong somewhere and even if we never ever get back together (Even tho I pray, dream and hope we do) he will forever be the love of my life. The media doesn’t make it easy but fuck them we gotta live for reality and not society. We forever have a bond because we made a beautiful baby from our Love. Through all the ups and downs of our relationship my heart still beats for him every single day. I’m sick of putting on a front like I’m happy without him. I’m not. He makes me happy. He’s the only one who can. Regardless of how our lives Turn out in the long run he will always be the skinny tatted up stoner that has my heart.”

Oh brother. If only Amber had a Loretta Castorini in her life to grab her by the shoulders and tell her to snap out of it. Then again, I doubt it would do any good; she’d just spin around, pop her giant booty and go “Okay, now slap this one! Wait – lemme grab the video camera.”

I get that Amber’s coochie is lonesome for Wiz’s skinny tattoo needle dick, but that’s because it doesn’t know any better. According to a fact I just made up, crotch parts aren’t very smart, so even if your brain is like “Kick that scrub to the curb and delete their number!“, your crotch parts will be like “Aw, but remember the time they humped you so hard you went cross-eyed for 2 hours? That was nice, right?”

Here’s Amber taking a break from sitting at her window and singing “Somewhere Out There” like a horny Fievel at some skate shop opening a few days ago with Nick Cannon:

Pics: Splash