Birthday Sluts
Priscilla Barnes (60)
Jasmine Villegas (22)
Nicholas Hoult (26)
Emily Browning (27)
Chris Crocker (28)
Aaron Carter (28)
Angel Carter (28)
Dan Bilzerian, the millionaire man slut of Instagram and Smushball’s human (35)
Jennifer Carpenter (36)
Sara Bareilles (36)
Shiri Appleby (37)
Frankie J (40)
Nicole Appleton (41)
Terrell Owens (42)
Damien Rice (42)
C. Thomas Howell (49)
Jeffrey Wright (50)
Edd Hall (57)
Larry Bird (59)
Tom Waits (66)
Ellen Burstyn (83)
Pic: Pinterest
Open Post: Hosted By Ryan Gosling Having A Hard Time Keeping It Together
Canadian DILF Ryan Gosling hosted Saturday Night Live last night, and technically Lorne Michaels could have given the SNL writers the week off, because really, the only sketch they needed was a 90-minute long one called “Ryan Gosling shirtless and looking hot“. But they wrote a bunch anyway, one of which was about people who were abducted by aliens that was set in what appears to be David Miscavige’s rec room. Thanks to Ryan Gosling’s perpetual commitment to acting (example: that “Ontario? Where’s Ontario?” accent), I would have assumed that he would have taken this shit so seriously and started reciting a monologue from Fire in the Sky. Instead, he couldn’t stop laughing.
There are a couple explanations for why Ryan Gosling is giggling like a damn fool. Maybe it’s because he took SNL prep classes from Jimmy Fallon. Or maybe he was getting second-hand high from that cheap pile of polyester on his head. It could also be that his brain started short-circuiting after staring directly at Kate McKinnon’s gorgeous denim-wrapped camel toe. My guess is the last one, because a truly great “coot coot” can mesmerize even the most mentally strong.
Here’s Ryan leaving the SNL afterparty last night, along with Eva Mendes, Mike Myers, and Justin Timberlake.
Pics: Splash
Gwyneth Paltrow Is Saving Her Pink Oscar Dress For Apple Martin’s Prom
Huh. I would have figured that Gwyneth Paltrow would have had one of her minions turn the Pepto pink taffeta Ralph Lauren gown she wore to the 1999 Academy Awards into a collection of bidet polishing rags (it is a sixteen-seasons old Ralph Lauren, after all). But apparently she’s been hanging on to it in hopes that one day her daughter, Apple Martin, might slip it on and stare at herself in the mirror, thinking “Oh my god, I look like I’m wearing a duvet cover from Barbie’s Dream House.”
Gwyneth told PeopleStyle that she’s been saving all her fancy couture gowns for years for Apple, even before Apple was Apple. Goopy says that she started putting shit away twelve years before Apple was born in 2004, and she’s been hoarding ever since. Goopy saved every Oscar dress (Hey goth saggy titty dress!), but it’s that famous pink one that she thinks will be the first to be pulled out of mothballs and given the Febreze treatment. Ha, listen to me – acting like Goopy would ever be so gauche as to spritz her garments with anything less than organic spring water from a $270 leather-bound Hermes atomizer.
“Maybe she’ll wear it to prom and do a Pretty in Pink thing and resew it and cut it up. I don’t know if I’d let her chop that one up.”
Instead, Gwyneth will personally call up her good friend Ralph Lauren and tell him to throw together a My First Pretty in Pink Prom Dress Experience kit, including a replica of her pink Oscar gown, a 24k gold sewing machine, and 3 bobbins of thread pulled from the ass of the world’s rarest and most expensive silkworm. And if Ralph really wanted to go the extra mile, he would also include a little set of instructions featuring a picture of Andie’s prom dress and a note that says “Whatever you do, don’t make it look like this“, because let’s be honest, that dress was TRAGIC.
Pic: Wenn.com
Justin Theroux Almost Died During His Honeymoon In Bora Bora
During an appearance on Live! with Kelly and Michael on Friday, Justin Theroux admitted that Jennifer Aniston almost became a widow during their group honeymoon in Bora Bora, thanks to a scuba diving fuck-up. Justin says he had such a fun time looking for Nemo and Dory during a scuba diving excursion one day, that he decided to go back again the next day and bring some of his friends. This time though, they went much deeper and it wasn’t long before Justin realized that his oxygen supply was floating somewhere between “Uh oh” and “You’re fucked“. So he motioned to the instructor that it was time to haul ass to the surface.
Unfortunately, the instructor wasn’t the same one from the day before, and he didn’t really understand English, so communication wasn’t happening. Eventually Justin resorted to a game of panicky charades, and the instructor finally clued in. If you can believe it, this is where shit gets worse. The instructor then threw an emergency respirator into Justin’s mouth, but the only thing it filled him with was more water. You’d think Justin would be used to that feeling, on account of all the times Jenny has whipped out a bottle of SmartWater and started pouring it into his mouth (“Shut up and start chugging!“) after spotting a pap out of the corner of her eye. But no, he wasn’t expecting it. He also wasn’t expecting that his brain would pull on a tiny tinfoil hat and start thinking his near-death experience wasn’t an accident.
“Your brain goes into a crazy place. Oh my God, this is some plot to kill me.”
I’m sure one of the crazy places his brain went was trying to remember the name his diving instructor’s scuba license. “Oh my god, it was totally Bran J. Loonie, I’m sure of it.”
One of the reasons why Justin says he couldn’t just swim up to the surface was that he was afraid of getting “the bends“, which the Internet tells me is decompression sickness. I guess the lack of oxygen caused Justin to forget that he was already equipped with a flotation device that was buoyant enough to bring him safely back up to the surface. Yes, I’m talking about the PFD in his pants. Next time, Justin. Next time.
Pic: Splash
Maksim Chmerkovskiy Is Getting Married
I know that he’s down on one knee, but thanks to that blurriness in the lower right corner, it totally looks like hot douche hall-of-famer Maksim Chmerkovskiy proposed to his girlfriend while lazily sitting on a chair, like “Hey, so you wanna do this, or what?”
So, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, the cocky dude from Dancing with the Stars who you would totally let do the asshole cha-cha on your down-lows (don’t lie, acknowledge your demons) and former Hot Slut (yes, really), is trying that whole “being engaged to a fellow DWTS dancer” thing again. Way way back in 2009, Maksim slipped a ring on DWTS dancer Karina Smirnoff’s finger, but it wasn’t meant to be and they called that shit off and denied us some DWTS divorce drama. I know, how RUDE. Then he went on to hump on a whole bunch of famous types, like Kate Upton, and JLo. Now six years later, he’s trying it again with DWTS dancer Peta Murgatroyd.
People says that Maksim proposed to Heavens To Murgatroyd during a performance of Sway in Miami last night, and according to the picture he threw up on Instagram shortly after, she said yes. Someone also got a video of the moment Maksim asked Peta to be his future ex-wife. No, that’s rude. I’m sure they’ll be together for a long long time and it totally won’t end up getting messy after Peta catches Maksim doing the pantsless pasodoble in Tom Bergeron’s office with whatever “star” he’s been partnered with that season. Anyway, here’s the video.
We are all that dude who fell to the floor of shock. “Whaaaaat? Legendary manslut Maksim is finally retiring his dick? Good heavens, grab my smelling salts, I do believe I’ve got the vapors!”
Pic: Instagram
Selena Gomez And One Of The Dudes From One Direction Are Probably Doing It
I’m sure you’re probably wondering why you’re looking at what appears to be a promotional picture of the cast of a failed Disney channel pilot about six psychic teens who solve mysteries while working part-time at Forever 21 called Sew What?!, but no. It’s actually a picture of Selena Gomez and bunch of her friends, one of which is her maybe new piece Niall Horan of One Direction.
Despite the fact that Selena was possibly humping on Justin Bieber again as little as two weeks ago, she has apparently moved on to Baby Heat Miser. According to E!, Selena and Niall spent most of Jenna Dewan-Tatum’s 35th birthday party on Friday night sucking face and constantly hugging on each other like that couple from every one of your middle school dances. At first I was like “Well that sounds like a drunk birthday party hook-up if I’ve ever heard one“, but E! says they had been hanging out at KIIS FM’s Jingle Ball earlier and left together after Selena’s performance.
Selena and Niall feels random-ish, but it’s not the first time she’s had the hots for one of the singing hipster elves. Selena recently told InStyle UK that she wanted to bone Zayn Malik, but since he’s currently off the market, it appears she had to remove her dart from the heart-shaped One Direction dartboard in her room and try again. And then it landed on Niall, and here we are.
And speaking of Justin Bieber, he seems to be handling this whole Horlena situation pretty well. And by “well“, I of course mean whatever the word for “throwing up an old pic of you holding hands with your ex to Instagram” is. Desperate? I think the word is desperate.
Here’s your One Direction-obsessed little cousin’s current sworn enemy looking like a low-budget Turn Back Time-era Cher while performing at the KIIS FM Jingle Ball last night, as well as some of Selena giving you goth brothel owner while walking the red carpet.
