The flying pink dildo that was thrown at a New Zealand politician during a press conference.

If you asked me something about American politics, there’s a good chance that my brain would go to sleep and the flying toaster screensaver would play in my head. (Yes, my brain’s screensaver is still the flying toaster. I haven’t updated its software since the 90s.) If you asked me something about New Zealand politics, my brain would fall asleep even faster, but before it did, I’d slobber out the words, “Er, isn’t Lucy Lawless their president or something?” So of course, I know nothing about this Steven Joyce politician dude and his politics. But apparently, a Kiwi nurse knows all about him and she let him know her feelings when she threw a dildo at his face during a press conference. Oh, in the US, our protesters throw shoes and tomatoes. In New Zealand, their protesters throw dildos. In the US, a dildo is our GOP presidential frontrunner. In New Zealand, their politicians get showered with dildos. What a beautiful place.

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George Clooney told Ellen DeGeneres the eye roll-worthy story about his 25-minute-long anti-climactic proposal to Amal Clooney. The writer who wrote that fake story for him so he could look oh-so-real on a daytime talk show should’ve made it somewhat believable. Like George Clooney’s ass cooks. We all know he has his food delivered by a drone from a chef in Italy  – Lainey Gossip 

I don’t know if I’d call Lil Wayne’s Super Bowl commercial racist. But I do know that I’d call it really damn stupid – Celebitchy

Why is Kate Hudson wearing a diaper made out of gauze? I didn’t know that Kanye West is designing for Fabletics now – Drunken Stepfather

Countess LuMann may try the marriage thing again – Reality Tea 

In case you were wondering what’s the latest dumb shit that Kanye West tweeted, here you go – The Superficial 

This supercut of St. Angie Jolie’s ACTING in that flop By The Sea is pretty much me on any night of the week – Jezebel

Nice try, Pimp Mama Kris, nice try – Starcasm

This bearded surfer in the Icelandic Glacier Water commercial is no Lucky Vanous – Towleroad

I was just reminded that Rose McGowan was married. But now I can forget that fact again, because she’s getting a divorce – Popsugar

Work that sloppy pile of men’s shirts, Alison Brie, work ’em! – Popoholic

Dylan Penn’s nipples look like this – The Nip Slip 

This dog isn’t stupid. Doggy knows that they’re either going to the vet or the shelter! – Hollywood Tuna 

It’s the puppehs of the Puppy Bowl! – The Berry 

Natalie Portman’s ballerino husband twirled on out of the Paris Opera Ballet and probably because he realized what’s the point of working when you’ve got a millionaire wife? – Just Jared

Mariel Hemingway’s daughter is Playboy’s first not-naked cover model – SOW

Rest in peace, Maurice White. Thank you for making songs that were the reason why some of us were made – HuffPo

Pic: Getty

Susan Sarandon’s 69-year-old chichis took over the SAGs on Sunday and got a whole lot of attention. Even Kate Winslet was in awe of Susan Sarandon’s magnificent chichis. But not everyone was into Susan’s cleavage. Noted cunt plug Piers Morgan let it be known on Twitter that he thought that Susan’s look at the SAGs was highly inappropriate because she presented the In Memoriam segment and he felt like it was disrespectful to the dead. Um, I’m pretty sure that dead people love titty balls too. Here’s what Piers spilled out yesterday:

Would Susan Sarandon wear this to a funeral? No. It was thus horribly inappropriate for an In Memoriam tribute.

No problem with Ms Sarandon showing off her cleavage. Big problem with her doing it for ‘In Memoriam’ tribute.

No, what’s tacky is deliberately flaunting your breasts on TV for publicity, during a tribute to dead stars.

That started a cleavage war and chicks defending Susan Sarandon have been tweeting pics of their chichis at Piers since yesterday. They’ve been doing the same thing to Susan Sarandon as a way of supporting her (pun intended) and she’s been re-tweeting those pics. Susan also blew an air kiss of love at Piers today by tweeting this:

Today’s #TBT is dedicated to @piersmorgan. pic.twitter.com/InU7d6qhC0

— Susan Sarandon (@SusanSarandon) February 4, 2016

What’s pretty impressive is that Piers didn’t misspell any words while tweeting with one hand and jacking off to Susan Sarandon’s chichis with the other. That’s what’s really going on here. But you know, I have to agree with Piers. The outfit that Susan Sarandon wore would be highly inappropriate for a funeral. I mean, she wore a white suit. Wearing white to a funeral is tacky! But if she wore nothing but that black bra and black heels to a funeral, then that would be totally appropriate and okay. Hell, I want her to wear that to my funeral.

Pic: Wenn.com

If you were on the Internet at least once last October, you most likely filled your brain with the 148-tweet saga of Hooters girl/stripper Zola (real name: Aziah Wells) who went on a ho trip to Florida that ended in pimp-on-pimp murder. Zola’s Florida tale of ho’ing gone wrong went so damn wide that not too long ago I saw someone at a restaurant wearing a “HOEISM” t-shirt. Before everyone read Zola’s ho shit saga in October, she tweeted the story twice but deleted it. She wanted it to get more attention so she tweeted it a third time in October, and added some fake shit for dramatic effect (the pimp shooting someone, Jarrett trying to kill himself, etc) and tried to tell it in a funny way. Bitch got her wish, because it touched a million pairs of eyeballs and now it’s being turned into a movie.

Back in November, Rolling Stone went to Detroit to meet Zola and get the real story behind the night where she and “this white bitch” Jessica went to Florida to make some extra money stripping but ended up in all sorts of fucked-up situations. (“Pfft, that sounds like a slow night in Florida,” said every trick who lives in Florida) Zola told Rolling Stone that besides the murder and suicide stuff, most of it was true. Jessica did have a crazy pimp and ended up hooking. However, Jessica told Rolling Stone that a lot of it was made up and Zola was the one who sold her pussy to johns. Rolling Stone’s article titled “Zola Tells All: The Real Story Behind The Greatest Stripper Saga Ever Tweeted” will be adapted into a movie, and of course, James Franco is directing and starring it. Deadline says that writers Andrew Neel and Mike Roberts will write the script. No word if Zola is involved at all, but she did tweet the news.

If you listen really closely, you can hear a million people screaming, “I called it,” at once, because everyone called this. Everyone with a brain who read Zola’s story just knew that James Franco was going to find away to get involved. And we all know how this is going to go. James Franco is going to play the pimp, Vanessa Hudgens is going to play Zola, Ashley Benson is going to play Jessica and they’re going to call it Spring Breakers 2: Vibing Over Hoeism.

The year 2000 and the year 2007 has crashed together in a meth-induced haze and produced 2016’s greatest new IT couple: Aaron Carter and Chris Crocker!

Hilary Duff no longer has to worry about walking into her bathroom and finding her ex-stalker Aaron Carter making out with her toilet seat or spooning with the towel she used that morning while wearing her dirty panties like a face mask, because he has found himself a much hotter and sexier piece. The “LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOONE“ twink turned (that link is very NSFW —–>) power top porn star Chris Crocker posted this precious picture on Instagram of him cuddling up to his new boo Aaron Carter. Chrissy Crocker added this sugar-coated gumdrop to the pic:

Aaron found his candy

This totally genuine and real union probably started blooming right after Chrissy Crocker made a “LEAVE AARON CARTER ALOOOONE” video because the haters came for his man for refusing to do one of the only songs of his people know. Yes, they’re obviously faking this for Instagram likes, but I’m still going to choose to believe that their A-list love is for real and they will soon share it in a reality show that will rival Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. I mean, they already have their first scene for it:

And here’s Aaron showing off his meth abs on Instagram while looking like the kind of dirty hustler who uses plastic bags and rubber bands as condoms and will steal your wallet while he does you next to a dumpster. What I’m trying to say is that Chrissy Crocker is one lucky trick!