The lover tortoises who instantly became the best part of New York Fashion Week when they got it on during a fashion show.

The biggest fuck fest to hit NYFW was Kanye West furiously fingering his ego’s b-hole at his album listening party/Yeezy season 3 presentation. But the most beautiful fuck fest happened between two tortoises at Mathieu Mirano’s presentation for his new collection on Thursday.

Page Six says that Mathieu Mirano’ show was “desert-themed” so they threw in tortoises as props. Those tortoises deserve a raise because they turned a boring fashion presentation into a hot tortoise sex show. Someone who was there tells Page Six that during the show, the big dude tortoise wooed the lady tortoise into getting their hump on in front of everyone. Those tortoises showed the people what it would look like if turtle Larry King butt humped on fellow turtle Hugh Hefner.

“A large male began pursuing a smaller female tortoise around the models, who stood still posing in the sand. One model could barely hide her giggles as the determined male followed the female past her feet, and he then proceeded to climb aboard.”

That tortoise-on-tortoise action got Mathieu Mirano some free publicity, so of course he’s not mad. He laughed at the whole thing and isn’t going to turn those tortoises’ shells into necklaces (I think).

Screw drugstore chocolates and fugly ass teddy bears holding hearts. The best way to show your piece you love them on this VD is with some good old-fashioned public fucking. These two tortoises who saved New York Fashion Week definitely know what I’m talking about.

This model is my spirit animal. Effing love her! #fashion #wildlife #ninjaturtles #fashion #mathieumirano #fashionweek2016 #ruthiedarling #funny #girl #cute #werk #keepsmiling

A video posted by Ruthie Darling (@ruthiedarling) on Feb 11, 2016 at 7:35am PST

Happy Made Up Holiday Where We All Make Corporations Richer By Buying Dumb Shit For Our Piece Day, everyone! (And yes, I know all bitter hos like me say that.)

Pic: Sly Magazine

Hugh Downs (95)
Paul Butcher (22)
Allie Grant (22)
Shane Harper (23)
Freddie Highmore (24)
Brett Dier (26)
Jake Weary (26)
Tiffany Thornton (30)
Havana Brown (31)
Matt Barr (32)
Erin Torpey (35)
Danai Gurira (38)
Rie Rasmussen (40)
Big Smo (40)
Simon Pegg (46)
Jules Asner (48)
Meg Tilly (56)
Renee Fleming (57)
James Eckhouse (61)
Pat O’Brien (68)
Teller (68)
Alan Parker (72)
Michael Bloomberg (74)
Florence Henderson (82)
Phyllis McGuire (85)

Pic: Getty

Hey, it’s my first Open Post! An Open Post virgin no longer! I can’t wait to read what ya’ll talk about today! If you’re hurting for subject matter – The Game (jesus please us, that name) put another pic of himself and his rod up on Instagram. This time it’s straining against his compression shorts and once again accompanied by an arkful of hashtags. The hashtags combine to form a lecture on how to treat your lady this Valentine’s Day. The Game’s idea of a good Valentine’s Day includes flowers, very expensive purses, and expertly applied cunnilingus. I’ll say it – The Game sounds like he and his formidable cock have got Valentine’s Day down pat!

#ValentinesDayWeekendSpecial #TimeToBreakTheInternetAgain #WhatIsHeDoingForYou #DoesHePayYourBills #ItAintTrickin #DoesHeTakeCareOfYourKids #DoesHeLickItFromTheFrontToTheBack #HasHeSlidUnderThatPussyLikeAMechanichAndTunedItUpWitHisTongue #AndHeBetNotSayValentinesDayIsForBothOfUs #ItsForWomen #NowHandleYourBusinessBeforeIDo #SheDeservesA5000DollarPurse #SheDeservesFlowersEveryday #WhatSheHasIsAReflectionOfYou #SoMakeHerLookLikeSheGotTheSameStylistAsAKardashian #EatHerPussyLikeSheMadeJesusTheLastSupper #RunHerBathsUntilTheWaterIsWarmAsAMiamiMorningInTheSpring #TreatThatWomanLikeBarackTreatsMichelle #EspeciallyIfSheTreatsYouLikeAyeshaTreatsSteph #YouHad364DaysToPrepareForSundayBihhhh #MakeThatWomanHappy #ifHeDont #SlideInTheDMAndWeGoneFigureItOut #MeatPrintPapiHasSpoken #DropsMic

Hallmark released a card for V-Day this year that mentioned “eating her pussy like she made the Last Supper,” didn’t they? If it’s not in the religious cards section, then it’s definitely under “Shoexbox.”

For those of you who would like to see “MeatPrintPapi’s” meatprint, the NSFW version is after the cut.

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Everyone who you’re not and never will be was at the Adele show in LA last night. Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, Woody Harrelson, Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom, and John Mayer were among the crowd screaming like the final girl in a horror movie when Adele went “Hello…”.

Here’s some slightly blurry and sort of far-away shots of the various celebrities entering and/or exiting the theater. Let’s see, there’s Katy Perry’s ass arriving. As you will note in those particular shots, I type that literally. Later on, you get to see her and Orlando Bloom exiting out of the VIP fire escape. Katy’s coat is giving me an uncomfortable feeling because it bears an eerie resemblance to my apricot-colored teacup poodle. For serious, his fur is the exact shade and consistency as that piece of apparel. He’s still here and not skinned. I checked. The last thing I need is some pop skeeve with breasts that shoot non-lactate substances breaking into my home and de-furring my dog.

There’s Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Stone exiting the side door as well. Joy seems to be trying to assist Ms. Stone in navigating those stairs. Drunks! But who doesn’t get shittoed at concerts? It should be noted that someone at the Wiltern obviously hates celebs. Making tricks who can afford the really quality booze and drugs exit down a really high staircase post-concert is asking for ambulances. I’m not judging!

According to TMZ, John Mayer was in attendance with a new lucky lady who’s hopefully had all of her shots. I hope there was some weirdness between him and Katy and Legolas. Legolas is the kind of douche who will slap at another douche so perhaps their celebrity skyboxes got crossed somehow and there was friction.

In lower-tier famous news, David Foster and Gayle King (see below) were on the premises. Wait, are they dating? Does that Lyme-disease claimin’ Yolanda Foster chick know that her ex is stepping out with Oprah’s lady? Shit, does Oprah know? Gayle better proceed with caution. Or the next president she’ll be interviewing will be at the Career Center because O will consign her to the curb.

Check out more pics of Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom, Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone, David Foster, and Gayle King in the gallery.

Pics: Splash

The other members of No Doubt (her ex-bf from her teen years, the guy in the diaper, and the…there’s another dude right? He’s tall?) finally admitted to themselves what the rest of us have known since the mid-90s. They’re merely overly dramatic doodler Gwen Stefani’s back-up band! With realization comes action, and they’ve tossed her out on her tartan bondage pants and 70s coke whore wigs and gotten a new guy!

Yeah, they’ve replaced their female lead singer with a dude. His name is Davey Havok, and he’s normally fronting a band called AFI. You know you’ve annoyed the very lifeforce out of your band when they replace you with someone of the opposing gender.

Billboard sez (via E!) that the band recruited Havok to take Gwen’s place when she’s busy flying solo (and cheesing it for the cameras with Blake Shelton for the umpteenth time. Seriously, spend a night at home. We get it. Cross-promotion is the newest fuck position. Check).

Obviously they got sick of waiting around while she named children badly and spun around in that stupid judging chair. They’ve reportedly already recorded a full album and are shoppng it around for a record deal. There’s no word yet on whether they’ll be using “No Doubt” as their band name. They should use “Full of Doubt” because this shit’s going nowhere. I’m not trying to hate. I liked “Spiderwebs” as much as the next 90s power pop-appreciating homosexual but let’s be truthful. Someone named Davey caterwauling a cover of “Don’t Speak” is not the look. Although, seeing as that’s the worst song of all time, it would probably be an improvement.

As you’ve probably read, Gwen dropped the track listing for her new record as well as the first single. You can listen to “Make Me Like You” below.

Check out more pics of Gwen mean-muggin’ the paps and taking her kid to church in North Hollywood last weekend in the gallery.

Pics: WENN

Good for her. I see Emma Thompson and I are both writing Babs Johnson’s name on the presidential ballot come November. As reported by London Live (via Vanity Fair), The Grand Duchess of DontGiveAFuck-stan (Exhibit A: that outfit) was attending the British Film Awards when she was asked about this year’s pale and tragic Oscar nominations. Q: How would you solve the lack of diversity at the Oscars, Em? A: Kill em’ all and let Bruce Vilanch sort it out!

“Let’s face it, the Oscar membership is mainly old, white men. That’s the fact of it. So, either you wait for them all to die,” said before jokingly offering up another option. “Or kill them off slowly—I mean, I don’t know. There’s so many options, aren’t there?”

There really are – bludgeoning, stabbing, shooting, riding lawn mower, wedgies…(no, for real)

Nanny McPhee’s got a point despite her newly admitted tendency towards sadism. “Slowly?” Yeesh.

Emma also described the whole controversy as “hilarious,” noting that “it’s no change there. It’s not as if [the Oscar nominations have] ever been awash with people of color.” Emma doesn’t just throw shoes, she throws truth!

Check out more pics of Emma Thompson at the press night for Guys and Dolls at the Savoy Theater in London last month in the gallery.

Pics: WENN