Not even a year ago, Taylor Swift was telling her squad, “Don’t even look at that shady whore Apple when she comes through the cafeteria,” and now they’re all the way up each other’s culitos. Tay Tay and Apple continued blowing air kisses up each other’s b-holes today by releasing an ad for Apple Music where she gets on a treadmill and raps to Drake and Future’s “Jumpman.” When you listen to Taylor rap, you’ll know who taught MH Weibe how to flow. Tay Tay also gave everyone a special gift when she busted out a moment that will probably become one of the GREATEST GIFS OF ALL TIME (sorry, KanyeShrug.GIF). “Taylor’s” (read: Taylor’s body double’s) face eats rubber at the very end:

Based on true events. #TAYLORvsTREADMILL @applemusic @Drake @1Futurehttps://t.co/ryUY3Yz7Prhttps://t.co/1eIHjoVIFU

— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) April 1, 2016

Never mind that Taylor looks like the shush baby of Anna Wintour and an inflatable sky dancer, she may get a taste of her own “sue a bitch” medicine thanks to this Apple Music commercial. I mean, the whole “prove that you’re oh-so-quirky and oh-so-real and omg-relatable by falling on the floor” is Jennifer Lawrence’s copyrighted trick!

Excuse me while I curse out my high school guidance counselor for not being able to predict that “sexy emoji designer” would be such a lucrative career option in the future. TMZ says that Amber Rose, seen above holding a cutout of Susan from Guess Who?‘s less-hot sister, is $4 million richer thanks to her emoji app, MuvaMoji by Amber Rose.

Sources tell TMZ that Amber got a pretty large check stuffed into her g-string when she first signed on to help create Amber Rose-themed emojis. Emojis that she totally didn’t rip-off of Kim Kardashian, okay? It was launched on Wednesday and ended up making $2 million on the first day. That isn’t exactly surprising; Amber’s app only costs $1.99, which is a pretty good deal for more than 900 emojis of asses, stripper poles, more asses, and tubes of lube. Obviously Amber doesn’t get to pocket that whole $2 million, but she does get a percentage of it. According to TMZ, all those percentages add up to $4 million. Get that emoji money, bitch!

Even though I would totally pay $1.99 for a whole bunch of nasty ho emojis, it still seems crazy to me that it made $2 million on its first day. That’s more than 1 million people who were desperate to get their hands on emoji of Amber Rose slipping on a rubber glove of Bill Cosby holding a sign that says “I DID IT“.

Amber Rose’s new emojis do NOT hold back: https://t.co/vdHHgKzCCg pic.twitter.com/9jD6jUPfpP

— NYLON (@NylonMag) April 1, 2016

Well, 1 million people, or 1 dumb Kanye West with 1 million iPhones thinking he could maintain the innocence of Bill Cosby and his booty hole by hoarding dowloads of MuvaMoji. “Kim, go to the Apple store and buy more iPhones! I can’t let anyone see this shit!”

Here’s more of Amber Rose at the launch of MuvaMoji on Wednesday night. At least I think it’s Amber Rose? Maybe all her slutty glamazon couture was at the cleaners.

Pic: Splash, Wenn.com

This old ad from 2013 of Emma Watson’s face next to some Lancome “skin whitening” cream called “Blanc Expert” was pulled out of the archives recently and caused some people to tell Hermione Granger that she should use an even stronger skin whitening cream to bleach the words “FAKE FEMINIST” into her forehead. Honestly, I don’t know how anybody knew that was Emma Watson in the first place, because there’s so much Photoshop happening there that she looks more like a factory-defected humanoid than herself.

When I saw this story earlier in the week, I sort of shrugged since I figured it was a dark spot corrector cream. You know, sort of like the kind I use on my asshole to get out the blemishes, even the skin tone, brighten it up and make it sparkle, Neely, sparkle. (“Even an industrial buffer couldn’t make that worn out thing sparkle” – my free clinic doctor) But the ad, which was only used in Asia, still caused outraaaaaaage and controversy. So Emma’s rep released a statement saying that she no longer has a contract with Lancome and when she did, she had no control over how her face was used in ads. Her rep’s statement via People

“Many artists often have limited control of how their image is used once an endorsement contract is signed. I cannot comment on my client’s previous contractual arrangements with Lancome. However my client no longer participates in advertising beauty products, which do not always reflect the diverse beauty of all women.”

Lancome also released their own statement about the product. (Side note: For years, my cousin pronounced Lancome as “lan cum,” which always sounded like lamb cum to me. I don’t talk to her anymore.)

“Blanc Expert was created by Lancôme 20 years ago. It helps brighten, even skin tone, and provides a healthy looking complexion. This kind of product, proposed by every brand, is an essential part of Asian women’s beauty routines.”

So what I’m getting from this is that Emma Watson probably never used the product and Lamb Cum just Photoshopped a picture of her into another dimension before slapping it on that ad. If that’s the route Lancome went, they should’ve went all the way by using this picture of Lucille Bluth:

Now that is how it’s done!

I’ll start by saying that, no, this isn’t Martin Sheen’s idea of an April Fool’s Day prank. President Bartlet really believes that O.J. Simpson is innocent of the 1994 murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, – like, not just “not guilty“, but actually for-real innocent – and he wants to prove it with a true crime TV show.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Martin Sheen will executive produce a six-part docuseries titled Hard Evidence: O.J. Is Innocent for Investigation Discovery. THR says that O.J. Is Innocent will reveal new evidence (finally, the star-making vehicle the rusty buried knife deserves!) and cover a new hypothesis as to what happened on the night of the murders. Most of it will be based on a book by a Texas private investigator called O.J. Is Innocent and I Can Prove It, which literally sounds like the name of a Facebook group for O.J. Simpson murder conspiracy theorists. Martin Sheen will also narrate the series. He says he hopes that O.J. Is Innocent will help answer the following three questions:

“What if there were enough evidence that proved O.J. Simpson did not murder his ex-wife Nicole or Ron Goldman? What if the real killer were still at large? And finally, what if a grand jury convened to reconsider the case based on new evidence.”

“Eh, just as long as it doesn’t take away the reason why we’re famous, go nuts” said the Kardashians.

I already see one major problem with that title. If Sarah Paulson’s frustrated Marcia Clark chain smoking on American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson have taught me anything, it’s that the words “evidence” and “O.J. is innocent” sort of cancel each other out. Maybe Martin could fix that by throwing a question mark on the end, like Hard Evidence: O.J. Simpson Is Innocent?. Or just rename the whole thing: If He Didn’t Do It: Like, Guys, It’s Totally Possible, Right?

Pic: Wenn.com

Ben Carson’s take on Noah’s Ark is as strange as his pyramid theory. – Shane Yorston

Upvote winner:

It runs on fossil fuel. – Shadeball

Pic: Izismile

The Pantyhose TV screen!

In honor of the day when “Donald Trump” holds a press conference where “he” pulls his mask off, reveals that “he’s” been Hillary Clinton this whole time and it’s all been one long April Fool’s joke America (I mean, they haven’t been seen in the same place at the same time in the past year), let’s pay tribute to the prank that fooled thousands of dumb Swedish messes in the 1960s!

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