Night Crumbs
Macaulay Culkin has admitted that he’s pretty much retired and is doing whatever he really wants. This is the part of everyone’s day where we call up our parents and scream at them for not forcing us to be child actors, because if we played our cards right and didn’t Lindsay Lohan it, we’d be retired at 35. Sure we’d be messes, but we’d be retired messes! Our parents truly did us all wrong – Lainey Gossip
Kylie Jenner is so brave – Celebitchy
You know those threats Charlie Sheen supposedly made against one of his ex-goddesses? Yeah, the LAPD is investigating that now – Jezebel
Kim Zolciak and NeNe Leakes’ road trip reality show may happen after all. I wonder if they’re going to travel around in a semi and a trailer, because that’s the only thing big enough to house all their travelin’ wigs – Reality Tea
Okay, but why does Brit Brit Spears’ top look like it was worn in a community theater production of Xanadu? – Drunken Stepfather
Meth must make you a fickle bitch, because Aaron Carter is supporting Donald Trump again – The Superficial
Three things: 1. Why is Kevin Spacey a judge on an Italian talent show? 2. That trick is way too old for Kevin Spacey. 3. Why is Kevin Spacey a judge on an Italian talent show? – Towleroad
Forget Sophie Monk’s nipples, her eyebrow situation looks like barf – (NSFW) The Nip Slip
Jessica Biel worked the Hollywood mom uniform while pushing her kid around – Popoholic
I hope somebody told that woman that if Kevin Hart cloned himself and then sat on his own shoulders, he still wouldn’t be as tall as the real Chris Rock – Hollywood Tuna
FOR WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????!!!!!!???!!!!!!YYYYY???!!! – OMG Blog
If that pizza isn’t artisanal, then the Portland Pizza Squirrel has not earned the right to be called the Portland Pizza Squirrel – The Berry
And if you were hoping to see Don Johnson’s nipples today, it is your lucky day – SOW
Jake Gyllenhaal had a crush on Jennifer Aniston… – Popsugar
Jeff and Jordan from Big Brother got married and are going to be parents. They better name that child Chenbot – Just Jared
Rest in peace, Merle Haggard. My motto for the night is always, “I think I’ll just stay here and drink,” but tonight I will really just stay here and drink in your honor – Starcasm
Pic: FameFlynet
That Reboot Of “The Mummy” Starring Tommy Cruise Is Really Happening….
I don’t know why in the name of Brendan Fraser’s peak hotness Universal Pictures is going through with another remake of The Mummy, but they are and shooting has already started. The latest reboot of The Mummy happens in modern day, and on Tuesday night, Tommy Cruise and his co-star Annabelle Wallis (who looks like she could play his daughter but is probably playing his piece) shot scenes in Oxford, England. Even Annabelle Wallis doesn’t know why this is happening.
I hope they shot at least one scene where Tommy dramatically runs after something in the street. Because it ain’t a Tommy Cruise movie unless he’s showing us why he’s one of the highest-paid tricks in the game by running in lifts. And while doing research for this extremely important post, I found this maybe-fact about what Scientology believe happened during ancient Egypt times:
L. Ron Hubbard was never shy about discussing his version of the history of Earth – a scenario that falls somewhere between Star Wars and Star Trek. In a lecture he gave in November of 1959, Hubbard gave an out-of-this-world account of ancient Egypt, stating that at that time, Earth was under attack between two forces. One was the Space Command and one was the Martian Command. Although most Scientologists would avoid admitting it, they believe this completely and without reservation. Well trained Scientologists not only believe this, but they would nod sagely amongst themselves and add, “Ah, yes, the Fourth and Fifth Invader Forces. What a struggle that was.”
Fuck this Mummy reboot in its mummified asshole. Universal should’ve made a movie about Scientology’s version of ancient Egypt instead. Can’t you just imagine Tommy fighting both mummies and martians while wearing nothing but a loincloth? Although, he’d have to wear a diaper under that loincloth, because his Scientolohole would probably leak out several drops of excitement as he fought a martian with a spear while shooting a historical Scientology drama.
Pics: Wenn.com
A Judge Has Dismissed Kesha’s Abuse Claims Against Sony And Dr. Luke
Almost two months ago, New York County Supreme Justice Shirley Kornreich dismissed Kesha’s preliminary injunction request to free her from her contract with Sony and her alleged abuser Dr. Luke. Kesha’s lawyers responded with an appeal arguing that Sony’s refusal to release Kesha from her contract with a dude she doesn’t want to work with is “slavery.” It turns out that argument wasn’t good enough for Judge Shirley, because The Hollywood Reporter says she’s gone ahead and dismissed Kesha’s appeal too.
Not A Late April Fool’s Joke: Taylor Swift Will Receive The Taylor Swift Award
Whenever an awards show rolls around, don’t you find yourself sitting there, worrying about the over-boiled jicama sliver that is Taylor Swift? Because she’s never at those things and she never ever wins a trophy and we know that she deserves at least a zillion of them. I once won 6th place (out of 6 contestants) in an accordion competition, and I’ve always wanted to send Tay Tay that trophy, just so she can have one. Thankfully something called the BMI Pop Awards (Side note: I hate my fingers for not typing “BM Poop Awards” instead) exist and they have come up with a surefire way for Taylor Swift to finally win an award. They have created the Taylor Swift Award and they’re going to give it to Taylor Swift. But really, I wish one of us ran the BMI Pop Awards, because we’d create the Taylor Swift Award and give it to Katy Perry.
Beyonce Is Suing A Company Called Feyoncé For Making Money Off Her Name
“Oooh, if you need any help, give me a call. I love a good trademark lawsuit!” texted Taylor Swift to Beyonce.
According to the Daily Mail, a company named Feyoncé Inc has found themselves in some legal trouble with her holiness Beyonce. You see, just like Taylor Swift and many other artists who care deeply about dollars, Beyonce trademarked a bunch of stuff to protect her bank account from people not named Beyonce looking to make a buck off her name. One company in Texas clearly thought they found a loophole and started selling stuff with the word “Feyoncé” (pronounced like “fiancé“) on it in the same font Beyonce uses. Stuff like mugs, t-shirts, hoodies – basically anything a recently-engaged Beyhive member would buy to use as a prop in one of the 1,293 engagement pictures they’d upload to Facebook.
Open Post: Hosted By A Bird With A Death Wish
The other day, an annoying bird-brained creature named Miley Cyrus posted a few pictures on Instagram of the battle wounds that one of her pussies left on her body after attacking her ass. (Miley either didn’t let that puss take a toke of her joint, or she played one of her songs, or that cat was just being a cat.) Well, here’s a video of an annoying bird-brained creature summoning a special date with the Grim Reaper by poking at a cat. This video is like a prequel to those Miley pics.
As that cat calmly lays there, contemplating the different ways its going to torture that bird, the bird pokes and nibbles at that pussy. Somebody should’ve told that bird that there’s a thousand less painful ways to die. You know, like diving into a garbage disposal or slow dancing with a chainsaw. This is NOT the way:
And at the very end of that video, I expected the screen to go black and the words, “In Memory Of That Bird,” to pop up. RIP That Bird. So adorable, yet so dumb.