That Reboot Of “The Mummy” Starring Tommy Cruise Is Really Happening….

April 6, 2016 / Posted by:

I don’t know why in the name of Brendan Fraser’s peak hotness Universal Pictures is going through with another remake of The Mummy, but they are and shooting has already started. The latest reboot of The Mummy happens in modern day, and on Tuesday night, Tommy Cruise and his co-star Annabelle Wallis (who looks like she could play his daughter but is probably playing his piece) shot scenes in Oxford, England. Even Annabelle Wallis doesn’t know why this is happening.

I hope they shot at least one scene where Tommy dramatically runs after something in the street. Because it ain’t a Tommy Cruise movie unless he’s showing us why he’s one of the highest-paid tricks in the game by running in lifts. And while doing research for this extremely important post, I found this maybe-fact about what Scientology believe happened during ancient Egypt times:

L. Ron Hubbard was never shy about discussing his version of the history of Earth – a scenario that falls somewhere between Star Wars and Star Trek. In a lecture he gave in November of 1959, Hubbard gave an out-of-this-world account of ancient Egypt, stating that at that time, Earth was under attack between two forces. One was the Space Command and one was the Martian Command. Although most Scientologists would avoid admitting it, they believe this completely and without reservation. Well trained Scientologists not only believe this, but they would nod sagely amongst themselves and add, “Ah, yes, the Fourth and Fifth Invader Forces. What a struggle that was.”

Fuck this Mummy reboot in its mummified asshole. Universal should’ve made a movie about Scientology’s version of ancient Egypt instead. Can’t you just imagine Tommy fighting both mummies and martians while wearing nothing but a loincloth? Although, he’d have to wear a diaper under that loincloth, because his Scientolohole would probably leak out several drops of excitement as he fought a martian with a spear while shooting a historical Scientology drama.


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